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Jj0327 Asked June 2022

My grandfather (103) has serious nighttime bladder issues and is starting to forget things. His wife is 95 with severe dementia. Any advice?

My husband and I recently moved his grandparents (103 and 95) in with us and became the primary caregivers. One of them is peeing on the floor in their bedroom at night and the carpet by the front door at night. I don’t know if it’s grandpa (103) forgetting where the bathroom is, or grandma (95) who has moderate/severe dementia just waking up and peeing. I work graveyard shift so on my nights off I have sat downstairs to catch which one it is but when I’m downstairs they never move, and if they do it’s just grandpa waking up and walking to the bathroom. We also have a 4-year-old who is potty trained and a two-year-old who is not. I don’t want to sound like a horrible person but I already struggle with the shift I work and babies let alone 4 babies. Some days I wake up to a poop diaper from my son, my grandmother wiping herself with the dishrag or whatever she can find, and my grandpa shoving his dirty diaper down the toilet. I am at my wits' end. Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have. I have an 18 yo as well who just graduated high school and has been the biggest help through all of this, but I don’t want to burden him too much cause it’s not his job. It’s not even his grandparents. I need advice on every aspect of this because I’m close to having a mental breakdown. My house constantly smells like pee and poop from the three people in diapers. I’m losing my mind. We have a caretaker that comes over, but we can only afford her for 3 hours a day--enough time to wash them, change them, give meds, and feed them. We even have a house cleaner that does a deep-clean every other week. It doesn’t even make a difference. What do we do?

SnoopyLove Jun 2022
How did it happen that you ended up with the grandparents? Where are their children? Where were the grandparents living before? And not to sound snarky but just genuinely wondering, what was the thought process about how this situation would work?
Jj0327 Jun 2022
Long story short they lived with my husband mother and she was their primary caregiver. She had to move out of state to help her brother due to his illness. She asked us if we would take them for a bit, and when we would go to visit and talk about all the ins and outs she never told us the fine details. As for the rest of grandma and grandpas kids they are all worthless, we have had them for a year now and not a single one of the 8 of the kids they have has even called my husband to check on them or ask if they could help there are some that live out of state and some live in state. I have never met any of them. My husband also has 3 sibling and not a single one of them help us either. As far as our thought process…we were very under informed about how far gone they were.
Mountaingyrl Jun 2022
You need to find somewhere else for the grandparents now. Your kids deserve your attention and support and you cannot give it to them if you are looking after the grandparents.

It is an unfair situation to you and your kids and is clearly effecting your mental and physical health. Also, at their age they need more care than you can provide and moving them would be the best option for everyone.

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sp19690 Jun 2022
Sounds like you are living a real life verson of the movie The Visit with a few differences of course.

This is nuts both grandma and grandpa need placement ASAP.

103 years old and still going strong. 95 and no end in sight.

They sure don't mention any of what you describe when they do those news reports on a person living past 100 years old.

MeDolly Jun 2022
It is time for your grandparents to be placed in memory care, they will not get better, they will continue to get worse.

I would turn this over to their children to figure out.

Most important don't subject your 18yo to this, it is not theirs to be involved in.

cinzim281 Jun 2022
Dear Jj0327..Have an ambulance pick them up for the ER..They have a myriad of physical & dementia health issues that need full assessment..Let the hospital social worker know, it is not safe for them to return to your home. They can give you the options for facilities & availability..

It is an unsafe environment for them, you, your spouse & young children..God bless & prayers to you!🙏🏻 From one sandwich generation Mom to another. Hugs
BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
A 'Social Admit' through a hospital ER. They will find them placement.
Llamalover47 Jun 2022
Jj0327: Your grandparents need to be placed in a managed care facility posthaste. Your own marriage and your children are your priority.

Countrymouse Jun 2022
Man alive! That's a lot to cope with.

How recently is recently? Where were they living before, and what was the main reason for moving them in with you?

Two options to consider for today:
1. Make sure the bathroom light is left on at night, and the door open. If grandpa is getting disoriented this might guide him to the correct place. [If it were grandma going a-wandering, would grandpa wake up?]
2. A bedside commode that the elders could use at night.

One priority: talk seriously to your husband. If he feels that this is the only option for his grandparents, why does he think that? Be gentle with him (I'm sure you will be, because you generously attribute your relationship difficulties to lack of time rather than a startlingly rash decision on his part) because no doubt he's at least as stressed as you are by the whole thing and you don't want him lashing out; but this situation is bonkers and needs an urgent rethink. Too much work for two lone mortals.

lealonnie1 Jun 2022
You said it all right here: "Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have."

Your children should be your primary focus in life, not your grandparents who need to be placed immediately. They need and require more care than you are capable of giving them, as do your children. You are doing neither a service by trying to be Superwoman, but a grave disservice instead.

Please see to it that your grandparents are placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility together and that you take your home back so it can be occupied by your immediate family only. Then you can work on repairing your marriage and giving your toddler the attention s/he needs.

Otherwise, what happens when YOU are hospitalized with a breakdown? Who cares for your husband, grandparents and children then?
Maryjann Jun 2022
THIS. SO MUCH THIS!
againx100 Jun 2022
Why didn't they go back to your mom's??

Tell mom either she takes them back or they are going into a facility ASAP. The stress level that you must have is way too high to be continued. My mom has an occasional pee issue (been twice a week for the past 2 weeks) and it's making me nuts and thinking of how much longer I can withstand that in my home. Not long. There are 2 more things that we are trying for her incontinence and if they don't work, well, I know just the nice facility for her. With dementia, I am not having high hopes for success but I am somewhat hopeful.

I don't see there being any hope in your situation. They are quite old and have serious issues that need full time help to deal with.

Good luck.

TChamp Jun 2022
I don't envy you, except for the longevity genes that you will inherit from your grandparents. In reality you got 4 toddlers, two little ones growing forward and two big ones growing backwards. The older ones don't fit in you house, period.

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