Is it normal for a family member with dementia to talk down to you? MIL has dementia and our family has had it with her. She’s always been snarky and rude due to her own issues but recently, since her dementia has progressed. She has become obsessed with everything we “don’t” do. She’s also become delusional (seeing things, imagining things). She’ll say we don’t feed her, help her, do her laundry, etc. If we dare to leave the house, she calls us to tell us she’s calling 911 because no one helps her. We bathe her, dress her, feed her, administer her meds, do her laundry, but none of it is enough. She’ll say we are trying to poison her with the trash and accuses us of stealing. I’ll do everything during the day and then she’ll say she’s been begging for help and I ignore her and poor her, no one does anything for her. She’ll threaten to call a social worker and tells me I’m going to lose my children because I “don’t know how to keep a house.” Is this harassment even though she has dementia? She has become unbearable to even be around. Our whole family is suffering now.
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In the meanwhile, educate yourself about dementia/ALZ. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
The booklet also discusses Care Needs and what to do about driving, accusations about stealing, and other behavioral difficulties that go along with dementia.
Remember that dementia is a family disease: you can't ONLY take MILs needs into consideration. If she's ruining everyone's quality of life and causing suffering, then she needs to be placed so you can ALL have a better quality of life. My mother lived in a Memory Care AL for the last nearly 3 years of her life b/c there was no way on earth I could or would do the hands on caregiving for her in my home. It would have been WAY too much! The behavioral difficulties require a team of people working in 24/7 shifts to manage, in my opinion.
Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation
And why is she in your house?
Some people just are extremely unpleasant and seem unable to help themselves. Perhaps they do it for fun. But in all seriousness if the strange imaginings and paranoid accusations are *new* then you need to report her for medical attention - as with any marked, unexplained change.
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Her complaints and threats have little or no relationship to what you say or do, so stop taking them to heart.
It sounds as though she’s no longer safe when left alone.
Whether you’ve “had it with her” or haven’t makes no difference to how she behaves or will continue to behave. Develop your “ignore” muscles and soldier on.
It may make you more comfortable to start searching for a good residential care site near you. Just knowing what’s out there can be comforting to you.
It’s altogether awful.
Dementia steals joy, control, and a sense of time, place, and reality.
Time for a different placement.
Your children should not have to live like this. Neither should you.
Any naysayers that pop in have never dealt with 24/7 dementia in their own home.
I think you are looking at a need for nursing home or MC placement. It isn't fair for children to suffer through this.
I am so sorry you are going through this.