At home care for my ALZ wife is fast becoming unsustainable with 3 shifts. Is there a recommended way to prepare her for assisted living home?

She will be better in Memory Care not AL.
The hardest part of this is not preparing HER for the transitions but preparing YOU for the transition.
She will have people around her to help her.
You are going to go from a home that had caregivers constantly. With the noise and "stuff" that is accumulated over the years of caring for someone. bins of ointments, briefs (aka diapers), wipes, gloves, extra bedding, possibly equipment that you have used, extra garbage cans, if the liquids need to be thickened then you have that product, and on and on.
The house will now be empty save for you wandering room to room wondering what's next.
She will transition easier than you will.
She will find another person staff or resident that she will shadow and look for cues. The staff is adept at making the transition easier for people. It might not be perfect, nothing in life is.
Remind yourself you are placing her in Memory Care because her needs are more than you can handle at home. Her safety is your priority. And probably as you have done you whole wedded life you are taking care of her needs over yours.
((hugs)) rest easy you have done your best. Now when you visit you can be a loving husband first not a caregiver first.

Here is a post from another member of forum on this very subject:

For those of you that are transitioning loves ones into an ALF or memory care, I found I book that has helped me tremendously regarding grief and guilt. I only wish I had found it before my mom's transition. You may find it helpful. "The Eldercare Handbook: Difficult Choices, Compassionate Solutions". Author: Stella Mora Henry, R.N. with Ann Convery.

That book may help YOU with guilt, not necessarily on 'how to' drop your wife off in the facility. Your best bet is to ask the administrator of the facility b/c they have been through such things many, many times in the past and have many ideas for you, I'm sure.

Sometimes in life, there is no 'perfect answer' to difficult situations. Sometimes, we choose the lesser of the evils, hold our breath, and take the plunge. This may be one of those situations for you. You know what you're doing will be the safest and best bet for your wife who has a disease that's robbed her of who she is, right down to the very core of her being. THAT is what we're sad about, and there's no fixing it, either. I dealt with my mother who suffered from dementia for a long time, and had her in a Memory Care AL where she was given excellent and compassionate/loving care for nearly 3 years. Guilt comes with the territory, but I knew in my heart it was the right place for her, and for me, and so it made it a bit easier to deal with the begging to 'go home' and all the rest of the heartache that goes along with dementia. It's the disease that makes this so hard, not the choice to place them in managed care. I hate dementia/AD with every ounce of my being because nobody wins when dementia is in the house. We all lose. It's the long goodbye that we deal with every day for years.

Bless you and all the best of luck to you.

Consider taking her with to lunch and some activities at the Alf. If she has the idea that you’re going because there’s good food and interesting people, she’ll likely want to come. Better yet if she thinks you work there.

When the transition happens, therefore, she will be going to a place that is familiar.

I think that Assisted Living may not be appropriate placement; your wife may now need memory care. She is likely, there to have a roommate which may be somewhat comforting to her. As to guilt, you are not a felon. You are a loving spouse who isn't God, who has limitations, and who is close to reaching them. You will continue to be loving. The word that is a better G-word for you is GRIEF, which is what it means to be limited, to know you can't fix anything. You cannot really know how your wife will adjust. There certainly will be a period of time when she is very very upset and MC often asks that the caregiver doesn't visit for some week of two to enhance attachment and adjustment to others. I would ask they stay in close daily contact with you if that is the case. Your stressing yourself out in the manner this must do to you could cause your own early exit; what then for your wife? It would be placement, but without your loving visits.
I am so sorry. We on Forum witness this grief daily; many have gone through it. I hope they reach out to you.

Natoniere, I fully relate to your situation. My husband has advanced dementia (with Parkinsons) and hardly lets me out of his sight without calling for me. I have caregivers 2 -8 hr days a week but I haven't had 24 hours to myself in over 7 years. We can't vacation together anymore (sigh...). I know he will be a handful if I were to move him to Memory Care, calling out for me or "help" constantly; he is also a fall risk. He will try to "escape." However, I can't bear the thought of him being in MC calling and calling out for me even during a period of adjustment (assuming he will adjust). He will feel abandoned, and I would feel immense guilt, so I haven't been able to make the MC decision, until such time as he is oblivious to my presence. I've toured a couple of very nice MC facilities in that event; their protocol is to not to allow family contact in any way for 2-4 weeks (to help in the adjustment). That would be excruciating for both of us. I think that an illness on my part would mean there was no choice but MC. I fully expect that I will pass first. I don't have any suggestions, but I feel your dilemma and pain.

It sounds like she needs MC not AL.

I agree she would not be a candidate for assisted living.

Natoniere: Your wife is not a candidate for an assisted living facility. She requires residence in a memory care facility.

You may also need to create a timeline of slowly extending your "absence" from her so she will be used to not seeing you all the time.

To reduce your wife's dependence upon you, is it possible to enroll her into a senior day care for 1 or 2 times a week or more, until you are ready to make the big move? This way, she will get used to the fact that you will be back if you are not there right now.

At a living facility, my understanding is that at many of the facilities, they provide dolls, for their residents to carry around so that they feel that they have a connection.

Regarding CBD (nevermind the THC), each state is different and each facility is different on whether they allow it. Medical marijuana is legal in the state I'm in, however, due to the lack of research, many of the facilities don't want to administer it to an elderly patient, even with doctor's prescription because there hasn't been enough research done on elderly people to determine that there are no adverse consequences.

I personally would not volunteer at the facility while your wife is there. That will cause confusion to her (why are you helping these other people when you are my husband?)

After 6 months, my Mom has finally gotten comfortable knowing that I'm not "dumping" her in a facility. I visit her every day unless I'm taking a business trip. Sometimes the visit includes lunch and lasts for 5 hours. Sometimes it is just doing exercises and brushing her teeth (30 minutes). Major events (like when I leave and when I'm returning, her doctor's appointments, etc.) are all written on a "pocket" calendar that the nurse's can read to her. I bring her fruits that she does not get through their meals (e.g. sliced oranges, grapes, etc.) I try to make her feel that the only reason she is there, is so that I don't have to directly hire caregivers anymore.

Because my Mom never really understood how to use a smartphone or flip phone, we use Facetime (Apple) for her to get hold of us. The caregivers at the facility will help my Mom use her ipad to talk to my sister and any of the grandchildren.

Don't expect her to make new friends at MC. Most people on the MC unit are "locked" in their own world and many cannot speak and have lost the ability to relate to others.