How do you redirect a conversation without leading into an argument?

Can't you just say ok, mom? Then of course don't.

You cannot reason or explain to dementia. You are wasting your breath and causing you both plenty of anxiety. Just try agreeing with her and see what happens.

Um. Is she still online? I've been astonished before now by what otherwise intelligent and worldly-wise people will sincerely believe if they see it on the world wide web. If she is, some judicious site-blocking might be a possibility, or find other, worthier causes for her to focus on.

When she isn't worrying about Joe, what else does she do and talk about day to day?

Laus, is there a diagnosis of Dementia?

The level of delusions you mention do sound like the confabulations of dementia. Or is there a diagnosed mental illness with psychosis?

Infections can cause delerium, confusion, hallucinations & delusions too. So can a change/quick withdrawal of medication.
That's why I wondered if this behaviour was new.

I read that Mother has had 2 mini-strokes. These are often temporary, yet I think can also cause lasting damage too. I wouldn't have thought mini-stroke (TIA) would cause delusions though?

If the delusions are treatable or not is important to know.

Dealing with them may be more *emotional* than *practical*. Use 'fiblets' eg "Joe is OK. He gets very good money from his army pay" (fire-fighters pay, job d'jour etc).

I personally couldn't live long with this. I would move to a placement situation and visit Mom when I worked up the strength. We can't change others. We can only manage our own lives in light of where they are at. Arguing with dementia doesn't work (and in fact arguing with anything doesn't work). The best way not to argue is that whenever something bizarre is said you say "Oh. Is that so?" very sweetly, and get on with it.

Mini-strokes, sounds like the start of vascular dementia, just like my mom, only mine is farther down the road. My mother has all sorts of delusions about having a lot of money and what she wants to do with it. At this point I just agree that going to the beach or going on a cruise, or what ever, sounds great. I have total control over her finances and she can't access anything. What concerns me with your case is the access to social media. If it was me, I would start with deleting accounts, apps, and change her phone number. Does she even need messaging? You can go into the app and disable it. Those scumbags are relentless.

Laus4585: Disable her social media messenger app. Perhaps your mother should be residing in a managed care facility.

Your mother should not be living alone, chatting online and being checked on by neighbors! With this level of dementia at play she needs either 24/7 care at home or placement in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, especially since she's a flight risk. Terrible accidents can happen at home and/or she can walk out the front door to go for a walk and get lost. The least of your problems will wind up being Joe and what stories she believes about him today, God forbid😑

Delusions and confabulation is common with dementia as well. It's best to educate yourself about how dementia presents itself and how you can respond to your mother so the arguments can decrease as you enter her reality instead of try to change her mind about things. That's a waste of time and energy on your part.

Pick up a copy of the book The 36 Hour Day and download the 33 page booklet called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent Fuller. That's your best bet if you intend to keep mom at home. Even if you don't, you should learn about how her mind works now.

If her delusions cause mom too much anxiety, contact her doctor to see about medication to calm her down a bit.

Good luck to you

You need to take away her access to social media, or a phone where these messenger posts come through. You might have to get her phone away from her while she sleeps but you have to do it. If she asks you to get her a new phone don't do it. My own mother becomes obsessed with certain ideas, eg: she wanted to change the color of my brothers casket. I told her I called cemetery and they did what she wanted. This satisfied her. You might have to tell her some kind of story too. Perhaps explain Joe is now on a secret mission and can't message her at this time. Don't let her have any way to access messenger. The scammer will eventually stop once they don't get money or communication from her. It's very difficult to dispell her beliefs in the scammer so turn it around and do not argue with her that this is a scammer because she will not hear you about it. Good luck.

First you should file a police report in your community for fraud, have all the receipts and documents. They will open a fraud investigation. Most likely you will not get anything back but help people who are going through this.

Then change phone numbers, block phone and email. Don’t argue with her, just say ok Mom I’ll send it later today when I go the bank. And walk away. Repeat as necessary.

I do not understand why someone with vascular dementia - who is unable to manage her own finances and has already fallen victim to fraud - still has access to any form of communication that would put them in touch with predators.

My mother does not have dementia, yet her phone has an app to block all numbers not on her contact list, her bills are set to auto draft reducing her concern about money, I balance her account regularly, she does not access social media, I changed her email from an old and lousy product to something with good safeguards and check her account thru my phone, and I even control her TV channels.

Basic facts to accept and live by:
Predators exist.
Any elderly person is at risk of falling victim to these predators.
Power of Attorney for someone with dementia means you have legally accepted to protect the person to the best of your ability.
Work with a geriatric care specialist and social worker so you understand what this fully means and how to step into the role as POA fully and without guilt.