Mom needs 24/7 care but does not want to pay for more care. She has the funds. What do I do?

She refuses to pay caregivers because she has you for that. She doesn’t care how this affects you. Stop being available and she will have no choice

“Only” children, or daughters who are abandoned by siblings, have to learn to be VERY CAREFUL when they begin to think, or WORSE, are TOLD by other “loving” family members, that they “have to”.

Your mother has two children. One of those children has bailed out, and the other is being deprived of her life by self imposed guilt. YES, SELF IMPOSED.

If God forbid you became unable, for any reason to be your mother’s current caregiver/servant, do you know what would happen to her, and who would be LEGALLY responsible for her care?

FIND OUT. Whether you decide to act on the information you get, or not, informing yourself can be empowering.

ALSO, find out what residential care sites are available in your area. If your mother NEEDS the 24/7 care of people being trained and paid to do this, you OWE it to her to find a way to provide it FOR HER.

You have responsibility FOR YOURSELF. YOU are important too. Take steps to restore balance for her, and for yourself. The smallest step forward can be a big step for you both.

Time to stop allowing your brother to manipulate you, and stop neglecting your mother. Best of luck in taking the first step.

You do not HAVE to live with her, that is your choice. Change your mind, get back to the day to day business of living your life and planning your future.

Get your ducks in a row, tell her that you are moving out, she can either have her son move in with her or go to AL pick one. Give it 90 days and go.

She is refusing because you do everything for her, good deal if you can get it.

Stop torturing yourself, move on, you have done your part.

So you chose to move in, to help as Mother was in need. But this is not working for you as you feel unsafe. If you go, Mother will be alone.

Staying somewhere you feel unsafe is a deal-breaker to me. But I would try to get Mother as safe as she allowed before I left.

Not to disrespect your opinion, but I guess I would get an opinion from her medical team about staying alone at night. Does she get up for the bathroom? Is her sight impairment new? Or has she been long used to moving around her home in the dark? Does adequate lighting help?

If she CAN safely stay alone at night, then go. Make a welfare call to her in the mornings.

If not, this will need to be discussed with Mother. Then a night carer arranged. She many not like it but I'm sure there are many things she would love to change if she could. This is just how it is.

If she is mentally competent, she DOES have the right to take risks. To refuse care.

But she does NOT have the right to instruct you to stay.

Remove yourself as an option, but do call Adult Protective Services for her so that she can get placed appropriately: they will inform her of how it will be paid for (again, take yourself out of the equation). Let her know that you will be a helpful visitor if she chooses a place near you. Sounds like your mother has taught many lessons to her son about controlling people and situations. Sounds like she taught you to take orders and guilted you into accepting your fate.

Instead of living at home, in this familial situation, perhaps there are hospice facilities that can accommodate her needs while freeing you up to love her without living with her. https://hospicefoundation.org

I just put the name of a little paperback here, "When I say NO, I feel guilty."

Make plans to make the most of your life while you help ease mom's transition with words of love and gratitude............perhaps you can visit and read to her (does she have a favorite author or topic?).

Most states and communities have an organization that will check elders to see if they need different care and/or can live independently. Your hospice should be aware of this and give you the name. The hospice staff as well should have a pretty good idea of her independent functioning ability. Talk to them; they hear all sorts of stories in their work. They will have seen various solutions; you can ask for a supervisor also for more information. The police almost certainly have the name for the elder care department, call them as well and ask for the person in charge of wellness checks. I would also discuss your concerns about personal safety with both of these agencies. Oddly, or maybe not, your mother's congressman's office should have some information. Also, the county commissioner, whatever the local name is, will have some information. A good nursing home administrator or assisted living one will have LOTS of information about this sort of thing. AARP will have a help line. Among the considerations, the way the POA takes care of the elder will be a big one. If I had no sight and limited hearing, I would be pretty frightened of new caretakers. Can you bring a caretaker in before you leave, for a trial? You don't have to deal with this alone, get some help.

I'm I'm correct here, your brother is toxic and yet he has your mother's blessing to do as he pleases in and out of the house. That's a problem that's not going to go away, so you need to work around it if possible.

Who has POA?

Do you have POA? If so, then hire an overnight caregiver and don't ask for permission or approval from your mother or brother.

If your brother has POA then he gets to run the show.

If there is no POA, then try to get one signed over to you while your mother is still mentally competent.

If your brother is putting up road blocks to everything that you try to do to insure your mother's safety, then your options are limited without a POA.

Eastflower - My heart goes out to you. In reading all the responses, you have some great advice already. In my experience, everyone will have their own opinion of how you handle things regardless of what you do or don’t do (relatives, mom’s friends, your friends…). Hold your head up high, do what you know in your soul is right (I am of the opinion that you must take care of you first), and keep moving forward.

Hospice is a powerhouse of resources- you may consider asking the social worker for resources to help you through this process. They can’t comment on family situations, but they can connect you with valuable resources. Believe me, they’ve seen and dealt with far worse so it won’t be new to them.

None of this is easy, but you will get through it. In the process you will learn some things about yourself. It’s clear you are a loving, smart, honest person who just wants to do right by mom in a very tough situation. There is no perfect way to do it. Do the best you can, give yourself permission to take care of you, and know that the love you have for your mom transcends all of this minutiae that is happening in the last stretch of her life. 

I’m cheering for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Does Mom have the funds to do 24 x 7 care? Are you financial and medical POA?

Since your Mom cannot see and has very limited hearing, I'm sure she is scared that someone would take advantage of her and/or do something to her that she does not want to do. Your brother could also be adding to her anxiety. On the other hand, I'm sure you are burnt out, so done, and want to run.

If she has funds and you have the authorization, see if you can find somewhere to take care of her 24 x 7. Go tour and research at least 3 to ensure that you are making a good choice, not a choice because its is the lesser of all evils. This process will help you with the guilt that I'm sure you will be feeling, if you are not already feeling.

As other people have mentioned, talk to hospice and her PCP to see what options are available to you.

It is possible that once your Mom "moves" away from you, she could die within a year. You don't need and shouldn't need to feel that guilt. You need to be mentally strong enough to "help" her through her journey, carry out her last wishes and deal with anything that comes along with it (like your brother).

Don't sacrifice yourself for your Mom. If you die or become incapacitated, she will be worse off than if you put her into a care facility or get someone(s)/agency to do 24 x 7 care.

Good luck. Talk to Hospice and your Mom's PCP and see what options are available. I feel for both you and your Mom. Both are you are at a very vulnerable time of your lives.

P.S. If you find this all overwhelming, then try and get a therapist to help you through this part of the journey of your life.

Eastflower, tell your mother and your mother's hospice provider that you are returning to work and your home on [insert day and date]. Then do it. If they agree that she is not safe to be alone in her house they should be able to help her source services or respite residential care, which you then use your POA to pay for.

Look.

If your mother refuses the services and is deemed to be capable of making that decision, then the responsibility is your mother's.

If your mother is deemed not to be capable of making that decision, then you can use your POA to make it for her.

Her hospice providers, meanwhile, have a responsibility to their patient. If they feel that her living situation is unsafe, they must take it up with her (first), and if that doesn't work they refer her to APS.

But no one is able to take you out of the picture except you. No one is going to tell you to go home with their blessing. There you are, providing free care, and how is it not in your mother's best interests for everyone else to let that continue? It's great! She's happy, she's safe, she has the support she needs. So of course they won't interfere. If you want it to change, you have to change it.