My mom is constantly asking to go home. She's living with me and I tell her this is her home but she keeps asking. What do I do?
My dad passed away last Christmas eve ...my mom was already suffering with dementia and couldn't live alone . I'm the POA so we sold their house and moved her in with my husband and myself. It breaks my heart when she keeps asking to go home
Be creative. Say she’ll go home next week. Redirect her to something else. Or, ask her what her home looks like. She may want to reminisce. My friend’s dad wanted to go home for 5 years that he and the mom lived in a care home. In order to explain why he wasn’t home, his brain invented the idea they were staying in a hotel. Stay in your LO’s reality and accept that it’s nothing like yours.
Learn all you possibly can about dementia and how to care for a loved one who's suffering from it. Ie: what to say to them when asked where their husband is (when he's deceased), what to say when they want to go home, etc.
The vast majority of elders with Alzheimer's and dementia say they want to 'go home', even when they are living in their own home. The reason being that as their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.
This results eventually, in the person with Alzheimer disease thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30. They are also looking for the HOME they lived in when they were 30 years old.
So the 'home' your mom is looking for no longer exists, except in her mind. When she asks to go home, just try to distract her; offer her a snack or show her some photos. When she asks where her husband is, tell her he's gone to visit relatives in another state and will be home next week. The goal is to keep her calm, not be totally truthful with her as you would a person w/o dementia.
You also say that no activities work to keep her entertained; not a fidget blanket or coloring books, etc. You may reach the point where she either needs Memory Care Assisted Living or medication from her doctor to keep her agitation down to a minimum. Ativan .25 mgs worked well for my mother with dementia who lived in Memory Care. Hospice upped the dose to .5 mgs as needed when her agitation and demands to go home to be with her deceased siblings got to the point of being 24/7. It helped a lot in calming her down.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
Think about your future and mom's future now, as her dementia progresses and her agitation increases. Especially if you can do nothing to help her. Consider Memory Care where she'll have others to associate with and activities geared to her abilities specifically.
Many people with dementia have ‘home’ in their minds as being where they grew up, not where they lived last. If your mother’s dementia has got worse, this might be happening for her. It’s along the lines of ‘you can’t be my daughter, you’re old, my daughter’s just a girl – you’re lying to me’.
It might be useful (and enjoyable) to have a nice long conversation with her about all the places she has lived in over time. As well as finding out where ‘home’ is in her mind, it could give you some family history, and help her to realise that this last is just one more move and she has moved many times. Worth a try?
IMO an important part of serving the needs of seniors with dementia is to have them interact with others their own age, mingle, be preoccupied with activities.
Have you considered day care or AL for her so she can be kept busy? A lot goes on in their minds, if she is busy and returns home to her new home she may adjust better.
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The vast majority of elders with Alzheimer's and dementia say they want to 'go home', even when they are living in their own home. The reason being that as their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.
This results eventually, in the person with Alzheimer disease thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30. They are also looking for the HOME they lived in when they were 30 years old.
So the 'home' your mom is looking for no longer exists, except in her mind. When she asks to go home, just try to distract her; offer her a snack or show her some photos. When she asks where her husband is, tell her he's gone to visit relatives in another state and will be home next week. The goal is to keep her calm, not be totally truthful with her as you would a person w/o dementia.
You also say that no activities work to keep her entertained; not a fidget blanket or coloring books, etc. You may reach the point where she either needs Memory Care Assisted Living or medication from her doctor to keep her agitation down to a minimum. Ativan .25 mgs worked well for my mother with dementia who lived in Memory Care. Hospice upped the dose to .5 mgs as needed when her agitation and demands to go home to be with her deceased siblings got to the point of being 24/7. It helped a lot in calming her down.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
Think about your future and mom's future now, as her dementia progresses and her agitation increases. Especially if you can do nothing to help her. Consider Memory Care where she'll have others to associate with and activities geared to her abilities specifically.
Best of luck.
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It might be useful (and enjoyable) to have a nice long conversation with her about all the places she has lived in over time. As well as finding out where ‘home’ is in her mind, it could give you some family history, and help her to realise that this last is just one more move and she has moved many times. Worth a try?
Have you considered day care or AL for her so she can be kept busy? A lot goes on in their minds, if she is busy and returns home to her new home she may adjust better.