Should I separate my parents who live together in a personal care/memory care facility if mom is suffering his verbal abuse?

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ALZ1andDEM1 Asked July 2022

Should I separate my parents who live together in a personal care/memory care facility if mom is suffering his verbal abuse?

My parents have been married 72 years and currently live together in a personal care/memory care facility due to my dad having Alzheimers and my mother suffering from dementia along with other health issues. She is the one that needs the personal care for her mobility issues. He must be in a secure memory care as he is a flight risk. At this point he does at times still know who my mom is but most times he is confused about her identity, why she is there, wants her to leave, etc. He has become very vocal and spends a lot of the day yelling at her and it very upsetting for her. He is not physically abusive at all but he is literally driving the poor woman crazy. They have been together all these years so I am not sure if I should separate them into their own living spaces or not? I am worried that he will feel incredibly more isolated than he does already and that she will miss him if he is not there all the time as she has when he has been in the hospital in the past. Anyone that has any experience with this situation that can give some advise it would be so helpful. I am at a loss on what is the best thing to do for both of them

Abusive Relationship Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Memory Care

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score 0 · Answer 1

Just because he isn't physically abusive now doesn't mean it mightn't happen, unfortunately dementia removes all barriers and makes the unthinkable a possibility.

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score 0 · Answer 2

How ’separate’ do they need to be? If they have a double room at the moment, can they each have a single, side by side? That way, they can be together a lot of the time, but at least sleep separately. At a minimum, they should be able to be together in common areas for some of the day. It could be a good idea to talk to the MC admin about what possibilities there are for the trial.

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score 0 · Answer 3

I think a trial is a good idea. Make sure your mother understands it *is* a trial, that's a promise, and if she shows any sign of distress at the separation then put her straight back again. But it's reasonable to hope that a few good nights' sleep and a few days' peace will give her a real boost, and then she'll be able to discuss her options with a clearer head.

While she's staying separately, make sure that news of your father is edited to be reassuring. This is all about her wellbeing - his will be taken care of, of course, only not by her for the time being.

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score 0 · Answer 4

I recommend you talk to dad's doctor about his agitation, maybe doc can prescribe some med to calm dad down. Maybe the med will make him dopey but that's better than him getting worked up and berating his wife. This is a phase in his illness and it will pass, so he won't have to take the med forever. Don't separate your parents. Loneliness is a killer for anyone.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Have you discussed this with Mom?
It may be worth a try if you can afford it, but hard to imagine whether or not it will work for better or worse.
Surely do wish you good luck and hope you'll update us.

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I have talked to her and sometimes she thinks it would be a good idea then she starts talking about who will be there for him. The $$ is not a problem as they both have LTC insurance. Going to talk to her again this week and the director at their facility and see if we can maybe do a trial separation. Thanks for the good wishes

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Should I separate my parents who live together in a personal care/memory care facility if mom is suffering his verbal abuse?

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