Hi Regina, I think you should probably seek a part-time job out of the home and arrange for part-time care for your dad. There are two reasons: 1) you need to save for retirement or when the time comes that your dad passes and you no longer have income from him. 2) You need to be away from the house for a least a few hours each day/week. You have to save your sanity. I understand how enmeshed an only child becomes in caregiving for parents, I'm an only, too and older than you. If you're like me with no children, no partner, you need to think about stashing away some cash so that you'll be able to care for yourself as the years pass. Good luck to you and sending a virtual hug.
Adding a few thoughts to the already useful comments you’ve been given-
If YOU are thinking that you’re burned out and scared, it’s at least fair to assume 50/50, that you are right about how you’re thinking, AND (importantly) your dad may WELL need a higher level of care than he’s getting.
If you have given your best shot for 7 years, you have ZERO REASON to feel ashamed. In addition, guilt and shame NEVER equal good or better care giving.
Add to the very good advice you’re hearing a next step. If you don’t know the financial situation that would emerge from placing your dad in residential care, find out. Just take that one step.
Then, going a little farther, look up some local residential settings near where you’re living. If you see a couple that you think might work (some day), take a walk in. If you’re welcomed and encouraged, the facility gets a point already.
If the welcome is cordial and you’re encouraged to make an appointment, that’s OK too.
Don’t talk to your father about your research right now. This is just for you. Take one step at a time.
It's time for you to get a different job. I learned a while back that no amount of payment or potential inheritance is worth the kind of miserable slavery so many caregivers live in and many like you and me, for years at a time. You say here that you feel ashamed. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Everyone in the world has a limit and a breaking point.
EVERYONE. You have reached yours and now it's time for other people to take responsibility for your father's care and needs. You cannot do it anymore.
I've been in caregiving (mostly to elders) for almost 25 years. I remember the first agency I worked for. I had to train for a month with a senior caregiving aide as training. The one who trained me then was about my age now (near to 50). She was leaving the field. I asked her why when all her clients seem to like her so much and she's so good at it. She told me that there comes a time when a person reaches their limit in how long they can be a caregiver, and when they reach that limit it's time to walk away. It's time for you to walk away the same as it's time for me to. I will not take on another caregiving position and will not continue caregiving for my mother. I'm so burned out from caregiving that it almost killed me. Know when to walk away. Your father should be placed in a care facility appropriate for his needs. I find that in family caregiving situations, when it gets to the point where the elder refuses to bathe, or allow the hoard to be cleaned up, or behaves abusively to their family member caring for them, it's time to let others take over. For your own sake, please let a care agency or care facility take over your father's care needs.
Regina, in the 7 years you have been caregiving, have you had any breaks? Vacations? Help?
Because nobody can work 24/365 for 7 years straight without time to recharge without burning out.
I would contact the local counsel on aging and get a needs assessment done, then schedule dad for 1 month respite in a facility that can meet his needs based on the assessment. Then you do whatever you want for the next month.
You will either feel able to continue or you will decide that you can no longer meet the level of care he requires.
I recommend consulting a certified elder law attorney to help you navigate the entire process and to ensure you are protected.
There is no shame in reaching the end of your rope. You matter too!
Please recognize that you are not god, are not able to fix everything, and have reached your limitations. Please see a therapist who can guide you in how to move forward. A Certified Licensed Social Worker who is trained in private practice to do life transitions work would be best in helping you comb out your options going forward. It would be a mistake to sacrifice your one life on the altar to someone who has already had his own life. I am so very sorry for all you are going through and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will update us here.
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If YOU are thinking that you’re burned out and scared, it’s at least fair to assume 50/50, that you are right about how you’re thinking, AND (importantly) your dad may WELL need a higher level of care than he’s getting.
If you have given your best shot for 7 years, you have ZERO REASON to feel ashamed. In addition, guilt and shame NEVER equal good or better care giving.
Add to the very good advice you’re hearing a next step. If you don’t know the financial situation that would emerge from placing your dad in residential care, find out. Just take that one step.
Then, going a little farther, look up some local residential settings near where you’re living. If you see a couple that you think might work (some day), take a walk in. If you’re welcomed and encouraged, the facility gets a point already.
If the welcome is cordial and you’re encouraged to make an appointment, that’s OK too.
Don’t talk to your father about your research right now. This is just for you. Take one step at a time.
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It's time for you to get a different job. I learned a while back that no amount of payment or potential inheritance is worth the kind of miserable slavery so many caregivers live in and many like you and me, for years at a time.
You say here that you feel ashamed. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Everyone in the world has a limit and a breaking point.
EVERYONE. You have reached yours and now it's time for other people to take responsibility for your father's care and needs. You cannot do it anymore.
I've been in caregiving (mostly to elders) for almost 25 years. I remember the first agency I worked for. I had to train for a month with a senior caregiving aide as training. The one who trained me then was about my age now (near to 50). She was leaving the field. I asked her why when all her clients seem to like her so much and she's so good at it.
She told me that there comes a time when a person reaches their limit in how long they can be a caregiver, and when they reach that limit it's time to walk away.
It's time for you to walk away the same as it's time for me to. I will not take on another caregiving position and will not continue caregiving for my mother. I'm so burned out from caregiving that it almost killed me.
Know when to walk away.
Your father should be placed in a care facility appropriate for his needs.
I find that in family caregiving situations, when it gets to the point where the elder refuses to bathe, or allow the hoard to be cleaned up, or behaves abusively to their family member caring for them, it's time to let others take over.
For your own sake, please let a care agency or care facility take over your father's care needs.
Because nobody can work 24/365 for 7 years straight without time to recharge without burning out.
I would contact the local counsel on aging and get a needs assessment done, then schedule dad for 1 month respite in a facility that can meet his needs based on the assessment. Then you do whatever you want for the next month.
You will either feel able to continue or you will decide that you can no longer meet the level of care he requires.
I recommend consulting a certified elder law attorney to help you navigate the entire process and to ensure you are protected.
There is no shame in reaching the end of your rope. You matter too!
Please see a therapist who can guide you in how to move forward. A Certified Licensed Social Worker who is trained in private practice to do life transitions work would be best in helping you comb out your options going forward.
It would be a mistake to sacrifice your one life on the altar to someone who has already had his own life. I am so very sorry for all you are going through and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will update us here.