Mom passed away yesterday. How do we handle things collectively without discourse?

1. First, determine if a will has to be filed in your state. Your profile doesn't include the state in which you live, so I can't check that out for you.

2. If a will has to be filed, contact the county clerk's and ask if there is a will filed under your mother's name. If so, ask how to get a copy; it'll cost but will be necessary.

3. If neither provides a copy, one thing to consider is, with each sibling signing, send a certified letter to your oldest brother inquiring (a) under what authority he has locked everyone out, and (b) why he is apparently acting w/o any legal authority, and (c) ask (demand?) a copy of the will be provided and (d) ask why he hasn't complied with statutory authority and filed the will.

4. If in fact there is no will, your mother has died "intestate". How the will and assets will be handled would be governed by intestacy laws of your state. You can do an online search for your state's intestacy laws. You might have to search a few hits to get good information. I've found the best info is from legal sites, either Findlaw or Nolo, or a law firm's site.

I echo Alva's suggestion to ask one of funeral directors about a will, assuming that your brother has also appointed himself for this aspect as well.

If you do contact an attorney, inquire if he/she or the firm handles contested estate matters. Not all attorneys in that practice area will become involved with litigated estates.

It's unfortunate that your brother is behaving in such an inappropriate manner, especially after your mother dies. I'm sorry to learn of her passing, and hope that you find resources here to help you and your siblings work through this sad event.

Just read this post. My condolences for your loss.

This is a clear example of why it is important to discuss end of life issues with parents, so that there will be no questions when the time comes.

At the end of each year, my Mom and I would go over her important documents: Will, POA, Health Care Proxy, Life Insurance, and Obituary, to discuss any changes. I would then prepare a sheet with the date we did so, and we both would sign it. It gave us peace of mind. The last time was right after Christmas 2021. When I read her Obituary to her again, she commented, "Did I do all that in my life?" I replied, "You bet!" As her son and full-time caregiver, I also was her POA, Health Care Proxy, and Executor.

When she passed in January 2022 at age 93, I was ready to get things moving. Even the funeral director was shocked at my organization. After her funeral, I had all the documents ready to sit down with our Attorney to close the estate. I do have siblings who were not involved whatsoever. They did come to the service at the funeral home, but luckily, gave me no grief afterwards.

As others have noted, please discuss this situation with an attorney.

So sorry you're going through this nonsense. If your mother had an attorney, see if that person has a signed copy of her will. In my state, the probate court will accept a copy. The will states who the executor is. The executor has a legal duty to maintain property, gather assets, and, of course, distribute the assets. There are many other administrative duties that have time frames. If you can't find a will or your brother is not the executor, consult a probate attorney. A strongly worded letter pointing out the laws he's breaking, including trespassing, may wake him up.

Suggestions, not legal advice.

I don't think your brother has any right to lock you out. If there is no Will, Mom died intestate. One of her children now needs to go to probate and become an Administrator. This person will have the same responsibilities that an Executor would do. The difference, the State determines how Moms estate is split amoung her children.

After the funeral, I would see a lawyer about brother. He may need a letter sent explaining how probate works. If he contests in any way, it could take years to close Probate.

Someone needs to at least get a short-certificate from Probate to handle any outstanding debts and handle the bank etc. Be aware that insurance policies usually name a beneficiary. This means that the money goes to them and they do not have to use it to pay bills or funeral costs.

Perhaps I’m being doggedly positive, but it seems that brother isn’t moving in, he’s just changed the locks. Perhaps he has the will, and he’s the executor.

Changing locks is not that stupid a thing to do. In the last days of life at home, it can be like living in a railway station. People come and go all the time, doors are open, spare keys places are known, and keys can be taken away to cut duplicates. Carers know what’s worth having, their partners make plans.

We had something similar when MIL went into the NH. A visitor who knew all about her talked their way past the desk as a family member, but MIL didn’t recognise him. He asked to look at her diamond ring, took it off her finger and left. We came to the conclusion that it was probably the partner of one of the carers.

Clearly there isn’t much trust here, but perhaps don’t assume the worst. Brother might even be looking forward to replying to the lawyer's letter you've paid for, to say that he's done all the right things.

I'm sorry for your loss.

And sorrier for the fact you have (like so many of us!) a sibling who takes over without really having the power to do so. Ugh.

For the time being, yes, talk to a lawyer. Try to get the other sibs together and be one cohesive unit. It won't be easy, these things never seem to be when everyone has a different 'take' on what should happen.

Try to stay calm and remember that this too shall pass---and hopefully you will have some salvageable relationships when this is all put to bed.

I, too, have a YB who 'runs the show' and I KNOW when mom passes he's going to pull that same stunt. Mom lives with him, and he had the locks changed on their house years and years ago. For a while, about 5 years ago, I had to call ahead to make an appt to see mother, the relationship was so strained. I stayed calm and just rolled with it and he calmed down.

When you have some legal power on your side, you'll see some results. Perhaps brother did the 'new locks' thing to simply make an empty house not be empty--and who knows who has keys? That wasn't a bad idea, and even controlling who can go in and out--also not a bad idea, just seems a little petty if it was done to keep FAMILY out.

I wish you luck and hopefully a peaceful outcome.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Please, please listen…seek wise council from a attorney. Unfortunately, I have a similar situation. Your attorney will help you through the process and will hold EVERYONE accountable. It will allow you to grieve and the attorney does the rest. Bless you.

You go at once to an Elder Law Attorney or Trust and Estate Attorney ; ALL the remaining siblings. Tell the attorney that as far as you know there is no will. Whomever is best able to should be named and go to court to be administrator of the estate.
Then if the brother DOES has a will he will cough that up soon enough.
Ask the funeral place if the brother has made any arrangements and if so, to ask on what authority he did so.
As there is not an occupied house as yet I would, with your siblings, enter this house and go through it when brother is at work. (I am saying I would, not that you SHOULD). I would do that and if someone came I would say my parent died unexpectedly and I was checking for a will or any papers extant.
You don't say how many siblings there are, but you do indicate one is quite nefarious. You are going to have to prevent his becoming administrator of this estate without a will as he surely is now tring to work some pretty bad deals. It is a mess when a parent dies without taking care of these things. I wish you luck. You DO NEED an attorney's guidance. Forums are full of folks who will tell you anything (hee hee, such as breaking locks on a door).
Good luck. Hope you'll update us.
Basically SOMEONE is going to have to speak to this brother who reading further down I now see lived almost next door to your parent. What is the problem that has caused such animosity with the brother? Has he been doing most of the care of the Mom? If so, he surely may have been the POA and may now be the executor of any will. He surely is behaving as though he is.

Usually with death the true color of people come out. That is why I severed all contact with any family that may be left. I do not want to be associated with people with those personality traits. I would let your brother do his thing and ask you be invited to any funeral. If not take him to court and make him regret every moment.

Id get a hidden cam/s, and put it on the property. That way you know what is going on. Tell no one.
And you might want to get a title lock so no one can steal the title to the house and put it in their name.

Why would no one know where the will is? Who was her poa? That should have been found months ago. It might be in a po box.
Sometimes the person doing the caretaking decides they should be entitled to everything bc they sacrificed. Wrong. Doesn't work that way.
Is your brother poa? He might have thought changing the locks was a way to secure the assets. If he is executor then he is technically doing the right thing. Your supposed to secure assets 1st thing. Might not be doing anything wrong there.
Even if he moves in day 3 after the funeral; if it is not in the will, he has no rights to do that. And he must buy you out, or sell the house. And Id make him pay rent if he lives there. He's not getting a free property. There are laws.

Make sure you get her accounts locked down first thing and don't forget the pension if she had one. Or any other benefits. Notify them. They will also not tell you what money is in the account. I think they legally have to stay quiet about that. My sibling did not tell the banks my dad passed, and I found out he was still getting a pension for several yrs!!! I called and told them to close it. They were in shock as much as I was.

And I probably got someone fired at the bank, bc it is a person's actual job there, to scour national newspapers to find death notices, and lock down accounts. I found that out from my lawyer. And when I went to the bank with the proper paper work to reopen the account, the bank manager was ticked off. She and another associate were making several phone calls because the account had been open all that time.

So even with a lawyer you will still have to do a lot of detective work. They don't know anything, but what you tell them. So there is a lot you might have to dig and find out, and be a detective. Your gut instinct is never wrong. I should have listened to mine.

If there is no will, you have to go to court and claim there is none. Id get there first with your lawyer. It looks better. The court decides who will be Administrator. The word Executor means there is a will. The word Administrator signals to the court/lawyers there was no will. I kept saying I was executor, and my lawyer corrected me, and said I must use that word, not executor.
AND if there is a will and he is executor, you are entitled to answers. Not just silence while he (may, we dont know) pilfer the property. That is why you need a lawyer. He can't hide things then. I am still regretting not getting a lawyer sooner, bc I felt like I was destroying the family. No I wasn't my sibling did that. I found out my sibling not only resented me, but hates me. That had been simmering for decades. She wanted to make sure I got absolutely nothing. So getting a lawyer was the best thing I did. I destroyed nothing. There was no family there to destroy. It was gone with the death of the parent. But now at least I am getting something, rather than nothing, and I also get answers. I could not get them before. I am over feeling guilty. Do not feel guilty. You must stand up for yourself. If you know shady things are going on, your brother declared war on you, not by you. G.luck

In the interim, Id also make a list of items that may not be included in the will. I always thought wills were like on tv. They listed, a diamond engagement ring, the couch, tea set etc. No they don't. They might just say my children get 50/50 of my assets and nothing more. So if someone stole the china and tea set, what asset was that? It's not listed in the will. Prove it was ever there. Good luck if its stolen. Investment portfolios or bank accounts are not listed either. Not in my case.
Get a list together while it is fresh in your head. It will give the lawyer some leverage. They will have to come to court and bring tho