Problem is his wife of 12 years ( not my mother) had three children and two of them are taking over his care. They are in their 50’s, one married and one not. My brother lives the closest 1.5 hours away. Her children came while she was sick in the hospital, then she passed. Both live out of state also so they stayed at my dads house for the weekend. One went home and the other One child stayed a full 9 days till the funeral service. She was “ helping” him with his grief and cleaning out her moms things from the home, etc. Two of my siblings showed at his house to console him too over that one weekend. I offered but he asked me not to fly In as he no longer had beds free. We found out In discussions with him that her two kids are making decisions for him, calling the doctor to put him on meds for short term memory problems, calling Social security four days after her passing, etc.Already looking for death benefits for him and them.
Her children barely know him and vice versa. They have only met twice In 12 years and the one who stayed till the service in his home had never met him. No one In Our family was comfortable with them staying. I dug up some background info and found out the one he just met and stayed longer has two theft records, two forgeries, a DUI and three bankruptcy’s the last 7 years and served some jail time. She has no job and lives on disability, no assets but a car. Has been hopping around living with friends and not good ones either. We of course have major concerns as he states she will go back to her state then come back in three weeks as she volunteered to be his caregiver, take care of things and give him companionship. Basically live in his home! We showed him the evidence of her past ( he knew some info) but he says he believes in second chances for people and she was a godsend the whole time they waited till the funeral and he trusts her. We believe due to her past she is going to scam him, take his house, weasel her way in to his credit cards and bank account. He says no he’s good and she would not do that then gets really upset at his children for saying so. Told us we can’t talk about it ever again and he’s not stupid. Threatened he would take us out of his will if we caused trouble though we are just trying to protect him. So help! He won’t talk about it anymore! Is there anything we can do? Neither of her children even called to talk to his kids about anything with recent events. My stomach just feels sick. She is taking advantage of his state of mind right now and truthfully never had a great relationship with their mother. Where were they for 12 years? Surely not visiting or helping her. Now they come out of the woodwork? His children except me have visited him every few days to help out but he is so stubborn he won’t talk about it anymore. None of us are in the position to care for him either unfortunately and live in four different states. He is a Vietnam Vet with an amputation that gets around with a walker and goes eat with his buddies 3-4x week. The whole thing is very sad. Help!
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Butt out. That's my advice. Allow your father to make his OWN decisions. What's 'very sad' here is that you don't trust the man to be able to make his own decisions and/or to ask for your help if/when he needs it. Unless he's a multi millionaire and blindly putting this woman on all of his accounts, how will she be able to swindle him w/o his knowledge??? It could turn out to be a good situation for both of them, in the long run. She gets a roof over her head and he gets a caregiver who provides care for him AND companionship at the same time.
So unless YOU want to move in with dad, you have no other choice but to leave him be and allow him to make his own decisions like the grown man he is.
Sure, she may be out to con him, nobody but SHE knows for sure. But I'll bet you can trust your dad to sniff that out of her if that's truly her goal. Then he himself will kick her out and that will be that. He's been through the school of hard knocks, your dad, and has learned how to rise up through all the hard times. He'll get thru this too, even without your 'protection'. That's my guess. I'd bet $100 bucks on it.
My DH & I have 7 adult children between us. If any one of them were trying to 'protect us' from ourselves for whatever reason, we too would have a reaction like your father is having. Like butt out and stop bringing this matter up or there will be dire consequences to pay, kiddies. Reminds me of the time about 15 years ago when my son informed me I was making some unwise financial decisions about 'his' inheritance money. That went over like a turd in a punchbowl. I informed HIM that MY money is MINE to spend and invest as I see fit and IF there's anything left when I die, it will be willed to whomever I see fit to will it to. That was the abrupt end of that conversation.
I'm just trying to get you to see HIS perspective on things. I have no idea if this step daughter is an angel or the devil incarnate. HE will find out though, soon enough, and make a wise decision moving forward. Trust him to do so, THAT is my point.
Good luck to you and to dad also; I truly hope everything works out to HIS advantage in this situation.
1. Short term memory has been failing. That’s what makes me (us) think he is struggling to make good decisions and though may just be temporary the fact he is grieving and quite upset right now.
2. To tell me (us) to butt out? Are you freaking kidding me? I would like to hope if you thought your aging parent was likely to be taken advantage of ( multiple red flags) you would at least have a couple of conversations, warnings, etc. That you would have enough compassion but I see you don’t have that. We had several discussions only and then put it in his hands. Realizing he was becoming more upset and saying he was too overwhelmed right now. He does make his own decisions.
Thinking it’s your approach to answering my ( our ) concerns that is the issue. I’m sure you are at least a decent person being on here thinking your helping others and I’m sure you do at times but not this time.
3. What’s “ very sad” is you can’t comprehend how in his state of mind right now after losing his wife he could possibly be taken advantage of then slam us for not “ butting out”. The one step daughter has a criminal record in several categories. Thefts, forgery’s, etc. Obviously she’s a winner In her community. Quite honest and ethical who should just be trusted to have “ changed.” Again just making him aware.
We do see his perspective. It’s having someone there who he looks at and sees his wife’s face, companionship etc. He is grieving and any way to hold onto his wife he’s going to. It’s not really rational right now. We feel he should give himself a few months to come to that solution or make a different choice when it’s not so fresh. He will or won’t-up to him.
4. As far as his money and other assets, none of his kids truly care. One could use some help but the rest of us do well ourselves. None of my post was concerning $. Not one bit. It also wasn’t a complaint posting the situation. It was just a worry how can we help.
He’s been through enough in his life. Doesn’t need his last years being taken by a scam artist.
That’s all. I do understand some of your post but I think you had some of your own bias posting and assumed things.
If you wish to assume care of your Dad it sounds as though he is going to have to be more near you, or you will have to be more near HIM.
You have already some siblings who ARE there, as I understand it. You are only not there because there is a lack of room.
Now, while your Dad is well enough with memory problems on the way I would say it is important that he make your siblings who ARE there POA, whichever is most capable of handling this DIFFICULT task for him.
You may be correct and you may be incorrect in your assessment of the inlaws. But without being there I cannot know how you can protect your Dad. Especially if they ARE there, and are "handling things" for him.
If there are not a whole lot of assets here for these folk to get hold of I am uncertain whether I would worry a whole lot. If there ARE, then you and your own siblings are right to worry, and should get together to decide who can help Dad protect his assets best now.
It sounds as though the siblings of the second wife have swooped in. If you want to protect Dad the only way to do it is to be there. I wish you the very best in what sounds like a difficult and confusing situation.
Yes, unfortunately his children are all spread out in different states. We cannot move there ( careers) nor can they. The nearest is in a neighboring state 1.5 hours away. He has siblings also about an hour away. He moved to be on a lake and fish in his old age many years ago. He won’t be moving near any of us. He has his lake, dogs, and friends.
He has the VA and Tricare being a Vet. Everything gets paid for with his insurance. They will even give him 24 hour care in his home and he won’t spend a dime. I’m all for that when the day comes and I’ll probably bet the person won’t have criminal records. They automatically go through background checks and drug testing is my understanding.
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And it sounds like if you push him hard enough he will shut you down. (You say he is stubborn it might also be that he does not want to admit that you are right, no one likes to be told or shown they are wrong.)
Keep an eye on things. If you can set up an on line account for his bank you can see what is going on. (that is if one has not yet been set up. If he or his step-adults set one up not sure if you would have access to it.)
Is he involved with the VA? It is possible that the VA could be of help and the VA will provide caregivers. Depending on the circumstances he may be due a pension form the VA and his caregivers could get paid for caring for him.
If you can get him to agree to move closer to you or a sibling that might be the best option but that is going to be tough.
Yes, he is still competent it’s just memory issues have been creeping up. He is in a poor state of mind right now as expected.
Yes, we said what we thought he should know, stressed our concerns then let it be. We are hoping he will go the VA route if/ when he needs assistance but we do still have to keep an eye on things.