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Terrioddgirl13 Asked July 2022

Family members taking over. How should I address the issue?

I am a HHA by profession. I noticed the decline in my father’s health and mental status and started the discussion with my mother and brothers about what to do to help him. Mom called in my brothers who live out of town. They then took over POA and chose to put Dad in a nursing home. Information was shared with me after decisions were made. Mom became unhappy with this facility. Again, changes were made without even talking with me. I realize I’m not POA, but I do live here and see what’s going on first hand.

AlvaDeer Jul 2022
Step away from it.
No one "takes over" POA. It is GIVEN to them. POA is conferred on someone by CHOICE, and by someone who is of sound mind.
You don't have POA. Step back into your own life and let this group manage the care and the problems that Mom and Dad conferred upon them. Don't discuss or gossip about it. If Mom or Dad complain let them know they gave POA to the people they gave it to, and to discuss it with those people; meanwhile take them out to lunch or something pleasant, and then get on with your life.
You have no power here and no responsibility.
deblarue Jul 2022
Love your answer to Terrioddgirl13.
Some of us here who are the ONLY caregiver would LOVE for the siblings to take over!!!
JoAnn29 Jul 2022
No one takes over POA. Dad would have needed to assign someone and be competent to do so.

Are you a woman? If so looks like your input means nothing to ur brothers and your Mom is allowing them to handle everything. After being a POA for Mom and now for a nephew, be glad you don't have POA responsibility. You may just have to sit back and allow brothers make the decisions.

I would not, without being POA financially and Medically, care for Mom or Dad.
Sarah3 Jul 2022
Sadly I immediately noticed the same issue, seems the mother puts her sons on a kind of pedestal, the op who’s a daughter is a HHA and lives right there so is much more familiar with what to look for and in the know of what her dad would need yet it seems simply bc her siblings are males were given poa- despite them living long distance and having no cg experience as she does.

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cwillie Jul 2022
Of course it's maddening, but just be glad they are stepping up and didn't expect your expertise qualified you to be the primary hands on caregiver.

Sarah3 Jul 2022
I’m sorry as someone else noticed it appears like your a female and your mom only gives weight to what her sons say and they have no experience working as you do as a HHA and living right there. I think the deeper issue is how your not treated equally and recognized with at least much consideration as your brothers. If I were you I would want little to do with this family, I say this bc you deserve to be treated much better - valued and recognized as much as they are. Actually since they live long distance and don’t have experience w caregiving and you do, your thoughts on it should be taken with more weight than theirs do. I wouod wash my hands of these people, that’s how offensive it is how they treat you like a second class it seems simply bc your a female.
my2cents Jul 2022
From a personal perspective on this - I think the parent(s) appeal to those who have not been helping in order to get them involved and to come around more often. I could do all the grunt work, yet if I mentioned that a house repair or car repair was needed, mom wanted to consult the son(s). I've been taking care of all that sort of thing on my own for my entire adult life and even prior to age 18 and she was completely aware I could make a good decision/shop for price. But... she would make the phone call to ask the son(s). No big deal to me, just seemed weird at first. Then I figured out it created more visits and conversations with them - and that was a good thing
CTTN55 Jul 2022
"Mom became unhappy with this facility. Again, changes were made without even talking with me."

What does "changes were made" mean? Did your brothers move your father to another facility?

Did your mother complain to your brothers, or only to you? How often do you see your parents, and are you doing any caregiving for them?

I echo what others have already said here. Step away. I hope you told your mother to complain to your brothers who make all the decisions.

And I hope you don't intend to become your mother's 24/7/365 caregiving slave, if/when the time comes. How is she doing? How old are your parents? What are their medical issues?

Your parents put your brothers in the decisionmaking role. Make sure that they don't involve YOU in any decisions without your input. You complain about that now, but what if they decide YOU need to move in with Mama, or vice-versa without your input? There have been people in this forum who do just that because siblings told them to do it.

AlvaDeer Jul 2022
I assuming that you have asked if you might be included,and I am assuming the answer is that they would prefer not. Given that, I would step back and get on with your life. Many would do just about anything to be left OUT of these endless loops. Let them decide. Get a good hobby and enjoy your life.

MeDolly Jul 2022
Being a female all that you are good for is caretaking, being the gofer. Your mother is of the mindset that the men are in charge and are much more qualified to make important decisions a woman cannot.

Back out, let them handle it don't continue to be the one who does all the runaround and caretaking for your parents, after all they do have sons to handle this job.

babsjvd Jul 2022
Let them handle it, and take deep breaths , accept that they are POA. If you want to give input, you can tell them , in a supportive way.
Sarah3 Jul 2022
While supporting family is generally a positive, in the case of the op bc she’s been demeaned and treated less than her male siblings who were afforded poa I think the healthiest thing she could do for herself is walk away and let them figure it out. If they want her support they should have recognized her as an equal and included her much more after all she lives there and is also an HHA. I think she should focus on creating better support for herself through close friends and other loved ones
Ella2021 Jul 2022
In our family, my husbands parents didn't put my husband POA over their finances because he traveled a lot and they didn't want to be a burden to him. They ended up putting their banker son over it, but preferred my husband. Before they died, they were talking to my husband about some changes the youngest son made against their wishes. s it possible your mother was looking at financial things and didn't want you to have to put your life on hold out of love and care for you?

Llamalover47 Jul 2022
Terrioddgirl13: The way Power of Attorney works is that your father, who would have had to be competent at the time, assigns an individual to be his agent as witnessed by a notary public. Power of Attorney is not "taken over" by someone.

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