How does one deal with the incessant phone calls begging for help to go "home"?

Hello there. I am sorry to read that you have this worrying problem. The problem is your mum's short term memory loss. She may only retain the memory of seeing or talking to you for minutes or even just seconds. The comforting emotions of seeing family may disappear just as quickly. You are acting kindly and sensibly by visiting as it suits you. Visiting or talking more frequently will not help her or you. May I suggest a chat to staff about some calming medication for your mum? What I would do if I was in your shoes is switch off your phone from 5 pm till you get up next day and give yourself a nice peaceful evening and good sleep every single day of the week. All the best.

I had the same problem with my hubby. Here's what worked for us.

1. I blocked his number as others have suggested. It's not cruel, it's survival. Calls go to my voicemail and I scan through them when I'm awake and can deal with it. It's not cruel -- it's survival.

2. I found out (on this forum) about a cell phone for people with memory problems (RAZ Memory Phone). You can Google it for more info. It's been a lifesaver. As the caretaker, you can set up her contacts, you can decide who is allowed to call her (if you want to), and you can set Quiet Hours, during which the caller gets a very friendly message that you are not available but will be excited to hear from you at a later time (something like that). Honestly, it's made all the difference in the world to us, and I wish I had known about it sooner.

Boundaries are not cruel, they are necessary for both you and your mom. Best of luck to you.

"Lose" the phone. If ur the only one she calls, then she doesn't need it. If like me, you can drop in anytime to visit. The staff will call you in an emergency. Ask that they not allow her to call you from a desk phone. Her continuing to call you when u don't answer is just causing anxiety on her part which she does not need. If you take the phone, tell the head nurse and Administrator so staff is not looking for it. If she is sundowning, the Nurse can ask the doctor to write a script. She needs to learn to allow the staff to help her.

I never recommend a phone be taken away from an elder because it's their only link left to the outside world. Unless they are repeatedly calling 911 and causing chaos that way, leave their phone alone.

I placed my mother in Memory Care because she needed 24/7 care. She didn't want to be there, as 95% of elders don't want to be in such a position. So let's ALSO take their phone away, shall we, b/c it's "irritating" they're calling us a lot? Which also prevents them from calling their other family members or GETTING calls from friends and family members, too.

How about we give them some DIGNITY and some freedom, folks?

Just turn your phone off if you don't want calls, or on vibrate like I did.

And Joann is further advocating the staff not "allow" this OPs mother to MAKE any outgoing calls once her phone is taken away! Really? So now she's in prison? SMH. It's not funny Cover, its CRUEL imo.

See about getting the doctor to prescribe a low dose of calming meds like Ativan for your mom to help her with this Sundowning she's experiencing in the evenings. Agitation with Sundowning is common, as well as the wanting to 'go home' which really goes on with most elders suffering from dementia, even those who live in their own home!

I used to turn my phone to vibrate in the evenings so I could get some rest when my mother lived in Memory Care AL. One phone call a day is plenty. Ativan helped her a LOT with all the anxiety she was suffering with the dementia.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
 
 She will discuss lots of Do's and Don'ts and other tips (including the 'going home' mantra) in her booklet & other publications and you may get some good insight into dealing with your mom.

I know how hard all this is, truly. Dementia affects everyone in the family, not just our mothers. It's hard for US too, and we all suffer as a result. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

I am not sure what stage of dementia your mother is in but when I had this issue with my mom it caused her immense anxiety. She would ask the employees to help her call obsessively. I had made her a call sheet with all of her kids phone numbers on it and she would get confused dialing. I found a phone on the Alzheimers store web site that was made to receive calls but not dial out. I thought it might upset her not to be able to dial out but she was advanced to the point where she forgot within a short time that dialing out was an option. It didn't upset her at all. She loved answering the phone whenever someone called and she no longer got agitated constantly trying to call everyone.

No, not until you either block her number or turn your phone off at night. If you block her, if something happens that needs your attention the home will call you.

My step-mother is in MC, the facility does not allow any phones in the rooms as patients would call 911 and do what you are experiencing.

Time to disconnect.

If she has dementia how does she know your phone number? Is there a phone in her room?
I would talk to staff and get that phone removed. That is way to many times to be calling you. Why is the staff allowing that? My dad was in a nursing home, and they didn't have phones in their room. He called 1 time, and had to get staff help bc he didn't know my number.
Is staff helping her? She must have a great memory. I would get to the bottom of it right quick. That is way to many times. And it is extremely stressful.
Call them right away and say enough. They need to remove that phone or getting staff to keep dialing the phone. I'm surprised they would have time to do that.
Did you give her a phone? Then you need to take it away when she isn't looking, or delete the number out of it.
But either way you need to stop it. Don't feel guilty. That is way to many times to be calling.

Satisfy yourself the place is responding to her. Why is she awake at night long enough to make 25 phone calls? Who comes to chat with her? I visited a friend in a home on Xmas day, someone fell, and I could not find or raise a staff member. Your Mom is agitated, ask for a geriatric physician's consult or take her to one. If you are satisfied they are doing their job, get a special phone for her with her own number with a reassuring message that you are not available right now. Tell her to contact the staff, and they can find you in an emergency. Make sure they can. If you aren't fairly satisfied, start looking around, Always, visit at varying times to assess care.


Discuss specific incidents at specific times and dates with the director if necessary. Most states will investigate places, as will medicare, for serious patterns of lapses in care. This results are usually publicly available.The facilities worry about it. But keep that powder dry, and it might not provide quick or specific help for your Mom. Better for after you move her if no improvement.

Thankfully, my mom eventually forgot how to call me. I visited and called every day when she was in assisted living, but the memory care facility limited visits. They didn't allow residents to have phones because there were too many 911 calls, but they didn't mind that I called twice a day to the desk phone when I wasn't allowed a visit. They just took the phone to her. It was in the middle of covid lockdowns. OMG, all the window visits.
I think it is very helpful for dementia people to know there is someone they can count on being there for them. It's difficult for them to trust the care givers, as they can't remember who the care givers are. Your mom will hopefully eventually stop wanting to go home. What I did was make up some stories about why my mom couldn't go home just yet. I learned to enjoy making up stories, since she never remembered the story I told her the day before. I told her once that her old tree fell down on her house and there were repairs to be done. She remembered the tree. It was true that her tree fell, but it actually fell on the neighbor's house. This tactic would get her mind working in other directions, as she liked to give advice on solving whatever problem I made up.
It's difficult for you and I know how frustrating it is. Hang in there and make sure the director of the facility knows what's happening. They might have suggestions or can divert her themselves.