The added stress of my heartless family is killing me as I care for my elderly mother. What should I do?

I have MS. And anxiety attacks (for many years!) Stress will cause things to get worse

Honey, get Mom moved. You have no support, no $$ and it’s not going to improve

My mom (just turned 90!) moved in with us after my sister and her 3 adult kids basically ignored her

I’m lucky. Mom has no dementia, few medical issues and is loving and kind. My husband is very supportive, we have the room and it’s financially easy for us. Her main issues are hearing and mobility. And she wants her room at 89 degrees lol

But you know what? It’s still stressful. It’s still hard
. There are good and bad days. I’m lucky, true. But if it was 100% me doing EVERYTHING & finances were bad?? I couldn’t do it. No way. No question

Get help. Or get a plan to move her. Ask for help. Contact local places, take a tour. Do it for both of you.

You matter It’s gonna suck, at least for the start, but you need to get out of the quicksand. Now.

You don't want(more likely can't) live the way you are living and Mom doesn't want to got to AL. Why is her want more important than yours?

You have MS and this stress cannot be good for you. Stress would cause my cousin to end up in the hospital. This desease is also expensive. My daughter has a friend who gets shots regularly and is in debt for 30k at least and will be for the rest of her life.

If Mom has the money, time to place her in an AL or MC. If not, maybe Medicaid in LTC. Your health will not allow you to go on like this.

Ohhh--the dreaded judgy family!! How many of us have that going on?? Far too many, I imagine.

You are crashing and burning right now-and probably hanging on to the knowledge that in Jan things may ( and SHOULD) change.

I know of maybe 2 people who went WILLINGLY into assisted living, and they were both VERY unusual women, strong and loving and aware that their care was far beyond what they wanted their families to give them. 2. Out of dozens, at least. No, mom is not going to go 'happily'.

As far as the obnoxious sibs. I get flustered when trying to make my thoughts/feelings understood. My therapist suggested that I write letters (or emails) detailing my feelings. DON'T send the original. Let it sit for a day or two, then rethink it, retool it and mail it.

Be upfront and honest. Short and to the point. Ask for help (full well knowing you likely won't get any!) and then lay out the plans you have to move mom into a place that will be HELPFUL to her, and to you.

EXPECT anger and lack of support, since that's what you have now. BUT, continue on the path of having mom moved.

DON'T expect any help and you won't be hurt when you don't get it.

Please find a counselor to talk to, if possible. You will need a mental health advocate in this. If it's not possible, well, this forum is a great place to dump our anger and pain and you won't be judged. We've all been where you are, or similarly so.

I'd start NOW to look for a place for mom. It can take months. If money is a huge factor, that makes it harder.

You can't change how your family feels. Only how you do. (I know, as trite as that sounds, it really is true.)

YOU deserve a life that is as free from these endless stresses as much as your sibs do. Keep telling yourself that. You are worth it. You're NOT abandoning your mom, you are actually helping her, and while maybe she won't feel that way if she is allowed to help make the decision about the move.

Please, please, please don't let guilt eat you up. You have done far more than most people would.

And please, see you PCP for something for your anxiety. It's a silent killer, and it really does a number on our emotional health.

((Hugs)) you really need them!
MidKid

Your plate is full. One of the things you can remove from that plate is considering things to do with or about your extended family. You will not ever change them. It is already clear to you that they will be of no help. That will continue.
You say Mom doesn't want certain things. In all truth it doesn't matter WHAT Mom "wants" as so often in life it doesn't matter for a second what we do or don't want. It is about the facts as they stand today, and about Mom's needs and who is best to fulfill them.
If you are spending your own funds on taking care of your Mother, who is in line to take care of YOU when you need that money? How are you earning money for your own retirement?? I am 80 and my brother died at 85. I can tell you that you need to save a lifetime for yourself to be safe in old age.
You need to have a talk with Mom and let her know you cannot go on and she must now move into care. The sad TRUTH is that Mom has had her life and you have a right to your own. She has a right to the dignity of your honesty.
You may think about choosing counseling. You have painted yourself into quite a corner by moving away from your own life and into your Mom's. Think in terms of a Licensed Social Worker in private practice as they are best at life transitions work.
You needn't abandon your mother, but she shouldn't be living with you, nor you with her. You need not sacrifice your own life for another. Your siblings seem already to know that. Please think about getting help so that you are able to understand that support doesn't mean giving up your life for another. I sure wish you good luck. And that sister on the phone? Tell Mom you don't want an instant replay of whatever nonsense she has to tell anyone that day, that Mom has a right to listen to it, but you don't care to.
I sure wish you the very best of luck.

At some point it doesn’t matter whether the LO wants to go to assisted living. She has to go, like it or not. Adjust your thought: you are not abandoning her but getting her the care from professionals who know how to do the job. It’s not solely up to you and never was. Now go visit some care facilities and choose the most suitable one. Then move her. Good luck, you can do this!

You are not stuck, the ball is in your court, stand up for yourself. Advise your family that you are not able to continue caring for your mother. She either moves in with one of them or goes to AL.

Those are the choices. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Don't continue to do this to yourself, this could go on for years, trust me I know, my mother is 97 and still going strong and yes, she is in AL, very happy too, new friends activities and is waited on hand & foot.

I blamed my mum and dad for 'my issues/stresses' towards them for a long time, I STILL can lapse into this way. With a new mindset now of taking FULL responsibility for all my feelings...man what a change. Even if in the company of my mum when I visit her and she starts on me for ...it can be anything, I own the discomfort within, (Hurt/anger/resentment etc) This manifests in behaviour that is much kinder to myself. E.g.1.) leaving..."bye mum, I love you but saying that to me is not ok. I'm gonna leave now and come back another time." (I only needed to do this twice.) 2.) Shorter visits. (She used to complain, and ask in a VERY curt tone ...why are you leaving? She doesn't say anything now or she thanks me for coming.) 3.) I dont share details of my life. (This used to hurt, but I accept the situation now. Sharing details results in unsolicited advice which ends badly.)
It's working a treat! Take back your power!

I love Margaret's line "Every one prefers a slave daughter who loves them."

You are killing yourself. Plain and simple. Only 4 hours of sleep a night? Stop obsessing on what your nearby sister does and won't do. You can't change her. She doesn't want to be more involved.

The only person you can change is yourself. Right now I'm seeing someone who has serious health issues, yet insists on martyring herself to the "Keep Mommy Happy" cause. We see that a lot on this forum.

What is your mother's financial situation? She only has enough for burial? Could she be Medicaid-eligible? Who is paying for the apartment lease which is up in January? Is she contributing anything at all?

If she is 82-83, how old are you?

Do you think you are able to make the necessary changes to improve your health and life? Or are you going to sacrifice everything for this woman?

If you have MS, like my daughter, you must be getting tired easily. The work load, plus the family stress, is just over the top. Something has to change.

Your post, and your extensive profile, suggest that your mother is quite with it, even though she gets upset easily (understandably). Perhaps she can help with the trashing from your difficult sister. She can tell sister not to call, and hang up more quickly if she does. She may be able to tell the true story to the people who may believe the lies you think your difficult sister has been spreading, including to your other sister. And if you know that they are lies, and that they are going to continue, you need to try to stop yourself from paying any attention to them.

You say that you are “killing myself to keep my mom alive, safe and healthy”. If you kill yourself, your mother is in even more trouble. You need to look after yourself, for the sake of everyone. You need to be a daughter, not an Emergency Services Worker.

Your mother “doesn't want to go in Assisted Living”. No-one ever does! Every one prefers a slave daughter who loves them. That is no reason why you should kill yourself doing the impossible. Many parents who ‘didn’t want’, find that they really enjoy AL, and many posters find that their parent actually improves with more professional 24 hour care from the team at a Nursing Home. Caring posters don’t “abandon” their parent in a facility, in fact posters often seem to be doing too much and not letting the staff do what they are paid for!

The fact that your care is overwhelming you may be a reason why your not-so-difficult sister in the next county is hesitant about getting involved.

I hope that posters will suggest other options, because you need to look at them. Best wishes, Margaret

This plan has gotta change!

To summerise the situation:
*Mom needs a full-time caregiver, now.
*Mom's care needs will keep increasing due to VasDem.
*You work full-time.

So to be blunt, unless you can clone yourself & have one of you at work & one at home - you will need MORE help.

This may be a team of aides to continue at home - Plan A.
Or Mom moves into a care setting - Plan B.

Continuing as you are will result in real problems for your health. If you collapse, who will care for Mom then?

Despite how hard & upsetting being blamed is, ignore.

Refocus on what you CAN do to get more help & change the plan to one that works.

It sounds like you are barely holding it together. Be honest with your mother that you simply cannot handle the stress of this situation. Unless she can come up with another option she needs to go to assisted living. Your well being matters too. Good luck.