What is a greater level of care than assisted living and how do you know when it’s needed?

Also - the AL is somewhat motivated to keep her there as long as possible, mostly because of $$$. I know people who have worked in them and know this to be true. Also probably just as true that a memory care facility will say that people that are too high functioning to really belong there would be a good fit. I'm in that pickle with my mom. She needs a lot of help for me to provide BUT she's still in pretty good shape and I don't think MC is a good fit for her yet. But AL could not easily meet all her needs. Tough to decide and look through the financial motivations that facilities have in saying YES.

The covid and pneumonia most likely set her back quite a bit. Confusion is real and imagine how that is for her. If she's usually negative anyway, it has to be worse for her now. If you need to step back, absolutely do that for a little while and see if she adjusts to her new surroundings. Perhaps check with the director of the AL each day to briefly get a sense of how she's doing and ask if you should be looking into finding a memory care facility.

Greater level of care are skilled nursing home or memory care, depending on if her needs are physical/medical or cognitive in nature.

Being sick can make them very confused. My mom gets really loopy when she has a fever, for example. She's 79 with dementia. At her age and condition, I doubt that AL is the right fit for her. Why did you not think rehab would be good for her? Not judging, just curious. I have been happy to have my mom go to rehab when available so she could make some big strides in her mobility and strength. Is being in a wheelchair new for her?

Her level of confusion could be her new normal but also maybe could improve as she continues to recover from being sick.

She's already on hospice? Due to what?

Negativity is SO hard to deal with. My mom is a chronic complainer and it's draining and annoying. Ugh. You are totally within your rights to back off a bit and let the facility staff take more care of her. You need to take care of you and have some time and energy for hubby, kids and grandkids. Oh and YOURSELF!

Good luck!

Yes, it is absolutely ok. It's going to be a tough transition moving facilities anyway, and with the recent health problems it adds to the stress. But know that she is in a safe place where she is being taken care of. She's where she needs to be, with the people who can help her. You're doing the right thing. Please take some time for yourself. Think of it this way - spending that much time there is only bad for you, and doing so will not make her feel better or more positive. It just is.

Also, there are some very good residential board and care homes (my mom was in one). Very few patients and a homey atmosphere.

Of course it’s okay.

You MUST take care of your own mental health above all else. Really, what good are we if we fall apart?

When my mother gets awful (she saves it all for me! 😝) , I cut my visit short.


I visit only as much as my own mind can take.

Best wishes to you!

ps: Memory Care or Longterm Care/Skilled Nursing would be best. You can ask your AL’s Executive Director to find out if they think that a move is necessary.