My step brother is toxic and now has complete control over my mother. Any advice?

Ruth, the way I'm reading this is this is your stepmother and her natural born children are overseeing her care and paying for her care with her money that she accumulated during her marriage to your father. Likely your father earned the bulk of the assets and when he passed it went to his wife. Now your step mother needs nursing home care and those assets that you were hoping to inherit are being used up for step mother's care. You seem to be upset that there will be nothing left to you. I'm sorry if this may upset you, but this is the feeling I'm getting. What you need to understand is your step siblings can't spend step mother's assets on themselves. When the assets do dry up and Medicaid needs to be applied for, the state will do a rigid accounting of how the assets were spent, and if there was any misappropriation, your step brother will be in trouble. You have no proof that they are doing anything wrong, and very likely, they are not doing anything wrong. Nursing homes are very expensive and whatever money step mother has, it is going to the nursing home.

I only have some emails from my step-brother which are just awful. I asked if he was POA but gave no response. I have politely asked him to provide Mom with her bank statements again no answer. Mom's info is definitely not reliable. She didn't want to sell her house but I think she may have put him on the deeds. He and his wife are joint holders on Mom's bank account. I reckon he will just spend her money on himself, until she qualifies for Medicaid. There will be nothing left. I will have been robbed of any inheritance. I will get Mom to sign the HIPAA release, but the nursing home is just so badly run. I mean they have one phone that is often not charged up (so it konks out) and I spend about an hour, long distance trying to get throughout considerable expense. I know her bank account is compromised. My SB even said to her she no longer has an account and doesn't need a check book. I feel all her rights as a human are gone and I can't seem to do anything about it. Feel heart broken and depressed.

I agree with JoAnn. You really need to be THERE to get a real feel for what is going on. You are 'half siblings' with this man and who knows how he feels about anything? Did he grow up around you? IS he much older/younger? Unless you can talk to him face to face, he doesn't sound like he's going to be much help.

You should hire a lawyer, but one in the city/town where she is, not where you are.

I can only wish you luck. This is going to be tricky. We don't have enough information about your 'brother' to make any kind of decision or to really give you advice.

Likely mom would love an actual visit from you.

Yes, if you share the same biological mother you are halves and as such he has as much rights as you do when it comes to Mom. I can see why he feels the way he does since u consider yourself an only child. What was the relationship with her sons prior to ur dad passing? Was Mom invited to move near her sons or did she just take it upon herself to move? If she had no real relationship with her sons and she took it upon herself, maybe this son now is angry because he is left doing for a woman he had no relationship with. I think there is something more to the story and he has a perfect right to feel the way he does.

Your half-brother has to have POA or guardianship to sell Moms house. Those proceeds are probably being used to pay for her care in a NH that probably costs 10k a month. As POA/guardian, he cannot tell you anything about Moms financials. He represents Mom so that info is private. If she needs Medicaid in the near future, there is a 5 yr look back so any large sums of money coming out of her acct will be questioned. Those deductions will need to be backed up showing that the money was used for Mom. If not, then there will be a penalty and brother would have to pay for her care or do the caring himself until the penalty was met. So taking money for himself personally, will only cause problems for him later.

You can't just place a person in a NH because you feel like it. They must meet criteria of 24/7 care with a Dr's order. Since ur overseas, maybe you have no idea how Mom has declined. Even Dementia patients can "showtime" meaning they seem normal for a short period of time.

How is your Mom going to buy sweatpants in a NH? If its one of those outfits that go around to NHs selling clothes, they are very very expensive. She can't order on-line because checks are not used on-line. She also does not need a checkbook, debit card or credit card in a NH. Residents wander and tend to pick up things from other rooms and sad to say, some staff members may not be honest. And you are getting your info from a woman who may have Dementia and is confused.

I think you need to go see Mom before you can determine what is really going on. If brother has POA not much u can do. Guardianship...that was assigned by a Court Judge and that would be hard and expensive to change.

Well.. I’ve got to say , your step brother refuses to be transparent. I don’t understand the need for siblings to be this way. Only way you will get anywhere is to get advise from a lawyer.

My BIL did the same thing , would not let other brother see bank statements. ( we believe POA was borrowing money ) That brother turned the POA brother in to adult protective services because POA brother bought a car for over $40000 for mom in memory care.. after all the hella boo APS determined he was legally ok, but told him that he’s not done things in the best interest of his parents…

First of all, if I'm reading this correctly, that is your half-brother correct? This is mom's natural born son from her first marriage? Then it is your half-brother. Or is mom really your step mom? Secondly, if mom is in a nursing home, then the nursing home needs to be paid. If mom had assets, then her assets will be going to the nursing home, like they should be. Your brother is spending her money where it needs to go. Your brother has been doing the hard work of supervising the care of mom and overseeing the finances. If you want to get involved, you are going to have to go there, hire a lawyer, and state your case why you should obtain guardianship over mom. You would have a right, I believe but am not certain, as a direct family member to obtain information about any wills created, but you won't have a right to view her finances without obtaining guardianship. I'm sorry if I sounded a little blunt and harsh, I know it is not a good situation for you to be in.

1) Find a good elder law lawyer in your area

2) Put together a concise, easy as possible to read statement of the issues, and narrative of the history with times and dates. State clearly what your questions to the lawyer are. Don't leave out important details, but trim as much as possible, anything that's not necessary. The better you prepare this, the better your answers, and lower costs.

Welcome, Ruth
(((Hugs))))

I take it that, aside from the direct communication from step-brother, your information is coming from your mom.

My mom had a stroke and developed Vascular dementia shortly thereafter. It took me a loooooong time to realize that she was no longer a "reliable reporter".

If brother is mom's POA, and mom is no longer competent to be in charge of her affairs, he may have sold her house to fund her NH care. Totally legit.

Is mom on. Medicaid? If so, she may have only a small personal needs allowance to pay for stuff like clothing, haircuts and the like.

Can you contact the social worker at the nursing home and ask if she can have mom sign a HIPAA release so that you are privy to medical info? And ask her how mom's clothing supply is?