How can I help my mother make better decisions?

My mother was just like yours; I had to move both parents out to live near me in 2011 when dad had to stop driving and mom refused to. She was going down the dementia highway THEN, but she hadn't been diagnosed yet. So she'd do all these dumb things and lie like crazy to get away with it. One time, I told her I'd get her the Rx's she needed at Walgreens, but no, she had to do it herself after promising me she wouldn't. She crossed a huge and busy intersection to get to Walgreens when I was on my way there in the car. I get to the pharmacy counter and lo & behold, who do I see waiting there but HER! I thought I was going to burst a blood vessel in my neck. I tapped her on the shoulder. She nearly jumped out of her skin, "What are YOU doing here?" she shrieked. "Better yet ma, what are YOU doing here?" I asked her. She stammered out some bald faced lie and I was livid. She'd go on long walks around a brand new neighborhood w/o a cell phone or any way to call for help if she fell, with dad begging her not to. She did it for spite, I'm sure. She had bad neuropathy in her legs, too, and was a prime candidate TO fall, as she'd wind up doing a few years later, 95x to be exact. I kid you not. Anyway, all this to say that she'd move heaven & earth to get her way, and lie like a rug, make up stories to suit her narrative, and do whatever was necessary to do whatever she pleased. She also wound up falling into the bathtub one night after insisting on taking Ambien and broke her foot too! That was before they moved to Colo.

By 2016, after 3 hospitalizations and more issues than Newsweek, I begged the ER doctor to admit mom after I'd taken her there yet again for another bout of vertigo. I told him she DEFINITELY had dementia, but that she'd Showtime her way through life to the point where everyone THOUGHT she was fine when she wasn't. By then she was living in Assisted Living (I had to move her & dad out of Independent Living & into AL after dad fell and broke his hip; dad passed in 2015). The doc said okay b/c he saw how close to a meltdown I was, I think, and they tested her for dementia. Bingo, she scored an 18 on the MoCA or SLUMS test (I forget now which test they gave her) showing that she indeed had progressive dementia! It had been COMING ON for 5 years before it was officially diagnosed, is my point. Stubbornness and argumentativeness and passive/aggressive 'punishments' and all sorts of other ugly behaviors she was displaying was all part of the undiagnosed dementia! She had no ability to use good judgment or logic or reason anymore, and dementia was the cause of it.

Get POA for your mother NOW, before she's officially diagnosed. She's Showtiming for everyone like a champ; putting on the Ritz for all while she's internally struggling to function. She can even fool her DOCTOR with Showtiming, but she can't fool YOU. Nor can she fool the MoCA or SLUMS test when she finally declines enough to score poorly and be diagnosed.

POA (both medical and financial) just means that you can make decisions FOR her, on her behalf, and write checks, that's all. You need her to agree to sign over POA to you before she's officially diagnosed, otherwise, she'll be incompetent to do so. Once you have POA, then you get to go with her to doctors, get ALL the info about what's going on, no HIPPAA crap gets in the way, and mom doesn't get to keep you in the dark anymore. And, in the worst case scenario, if she needs Memory Care down the road (as my mother did), you get to place her there w/o her consent if necessary.

Hoarding is also a sign of dementia, so that's nothing we all haven't heard around here 1000x. Women like this tend TO take over our lives b/c they turn into a full time job in addition to our regular full time jobs and our own families and those obligations. Set down some boundaries now with your mom and stick to them like glue, that's my suggestion. Preserve your own sanity, is the point.

Good luck!

"She doesn't have dementia, at least not enough that is diagnosed yet. I've seen behaviors indicative of it, especially when she's stressed, and some memory issues, but we cannot get POA based on that."

You need to have your mother grant you (or someone) power of attorney BEFORE she is diagnosed with dementia.

I think you are confusing POA and guardianship.

There "fiercely independent" types have another name in my book--their own worst enemy.

The doctor should have sent your mom to rehab, not so she would see how awful it was, but so she could get better, more consistent therapy and so she could see how nursing homes, AssistedLiving and other elder facilities have changed.

Here's the deal--"mom, work with me! I'm your kid and I love you. But you're wearing me down with stubbornness. I can't devote my every moment to you, so either accept the help I'm offering, or do it your way and when the time comes, the state will do all your decision making for you."

To piggyback onto the good suggestions given by Grandma1954:

You don't mention anywhere that you or anyone is her DPoA. If she doesn't have this in place now, or is unwilling to do so, or stalls until an attorney interview will result in an "incapacity" to be able to then create those legal tools, then you may see things become more out of control than it is now because your family won't have any legal ability to make her do anything in her own best interests.

Many a non-PoA elder has had the county come in and acquire guardianship, but not until things get extremely bad and your family is powerlessly looking on the entire time. Her having a Will is good, but not what you need right now.

Your profile says your mom pass a dementia test. Is that so? Is that what she told you the result was, or did you actually speak to the doctor or see the results for yourself? Many an elderr has fibbed, or forgetten, about the actual test result. I would not go by anything she tells you without seeing the proof.

Also, at her age, dementia can begin at any time, even from month to month, so if she had a test "last year" she's due for another one. And every few months going forward.

Many an elder has been described as "very proud" and "stubborn to a fault" but these are often actually descriptions of dementia behavior (regardless of these being original aspects of their youthful personalities).

I think you're at a juncture where you and your sister decide if you are willing and able to take on managing her care (and not even providing the hands-on part yourselves). If one of you wishes to do it, the other should never be "assumed" into doing it.

If I were in your shoes I'd start by working on the DPoA thing, if it's missing. Then I would take her in for the cognitive exam (but make up another reason why she's going to the doctor, then ask the staff discretely to do that test and also check for a UTI or any other test to discount other non-dementia reasons for her behavior -- and there are a few).

Then work on locating and securing all her sensitive info and assets so that she can't fall victim to scammers and phishers. Get her accounts online access and use a password keeper.

Then seniorize her home for her own safety, until there is a decision to hire aids or she transitions to a nice care community.

None of this will happen quickly and you most likely won't get cooperation or buy-in from her -- especially if she feels rushed. Imagine being in her shoes. You think you'd be all "reasonable" and such but that's doubtful. Aging decline does a number on just about every person should they live that long.

This forum has lots of great info. I wish you all the best as you eat the elephant one bite at a time!

We've done all the things you suggest, but she changes things around even so. That's what's making me crazy and angry. Her refusal to adapt based on her physical condition. I have told her she's one step away from a nursing home the way she continually gets hurt or is noncompliant, but she's almost defiant. I wish the doctor HAD sent her to a SNF with this last injury so she could see what it's like and make the necessary adjustments. She just says my sister and I are exaggerating and continues on. I know legally I'm stuck. Backing off is probably the only thing I can do right now. Thanks for your advice.

Unless or until she is declared incompetent she continues on as she is. You can not stop or prevent her from making decisions.
You can help her make things safer.
Motion activated lights in her bedroom and hall so when she gets up at night the light will come on. One by any stairs she has as well. And any other room she may go into without turning on a light, or as I often do, turn off a light before you get to the other side of the room.
Remove any throw rugs, make sure there are no extension cords that she can trip over.
If there is a possibility that she would leave the stove on disable it. Leaving an electric stove on is just as bad as leaving a gas stove on.
Discuss with her the ramifications of doing risky things. Discuss with her the options she may have later. Assisted Living or Memory Care Or if she needs it Skilled Nursing. And is there a possibility that she will have to apply for Medicaid?
And maybe back off a bit. Don't call the doctor's office. Set up a portal with her medical team so you have access to all the information. You can send notes to the doctors. They respond to those faster sometimes than a phone call.

OK...I have to start reading profiles BEFORE I answer.
You say your mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's/dementia.
She should not be living alone
She probably should not be driving.
Is either you or your sister designated as POA? If not one of you should be. It is possible that a meeting with an attorney (best to be an Elder Care Attorney) if the lawyer things she is cognizant she might still be able to sign legal documents. If the lawyer thinks she is not cognizant then either you or your sister could become her Guardian. If no one wants that task she would have a Guardian appointed to her by the court.
With dementia she can not make plans, her mind does not work into the future.,