I got into an argument with my Dad today because I was too busy to come stay with Mom whilst he went out.
He tried to guilt trip me about how "you can't abandon your mother."
And I kept trying to tell him that you can't just ring me up randomly and always expect I can drop anything I am doing to come sit with Mom. I have a life. I have a wife.
Here's the thing. My Mom has severe Parkinson's. Very severe. I have pleaded with my Dad and my brothers to get Mom into a hospice or to hire a nurse. But they always complain that its too expensive/intrusive.
I have always warned them, that there will come a time when we may all be occupied.
Taking care of Mom is a 24/7 job.
Just because I am a doctor... doesn't mean I'm always available 24/7. I am married, just as my siblings are married.
Before I was married it was :
"well you are unmarried, so you have the time."
Now that I am married my priorities have to shift.
My Mom isn't getting any better.
If I leave my wife every night to nurse my mother.....its not gonna make my mother heal any better.
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Sorry dad, it's simply impossible for me to fit one more thing into my schedule at this time. How can I help you arrange for in home help for mom?
Don't buy into the guilt trip, it's 100% unwarranted.
"I can't possibly do that" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
Dad needs to arrange care for your mother.
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Your dad is trying to manipulate you by using FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Knowing what is going on is the 1st step to dealing with it.
Maybe, saying no more frequently will create change?
Suggested alternatives. Over & over. Fell on deaf ears. No change.
Then said no when the phone rang. Over & over & over.
Whatdya know? LO actually COULD call taxis & hire services + much much more...
Fast forward & real change has happened, been sustained & LO is HAPPY about it too! Win/win/win.
A very wise person on this site once gave me solid advice, instead of guilt use grief. Grief that you can’t be there for your mom 24/7 because you have a responsibility to yourself and others. Grief is okay, you can move through it. Guilt however, will rob you of all joy you have.
Best of luck to you as you learn to navigate that you aren’t a super human. If you meet one, let me know!
Your Dad needs to realize that Mom now needs more care than HE can handle. Mom is his responsibility and should be his #1 concern as your wife is now to you. Dad can just not pick up and leave when he wants to an expect one of his boys to rush over. My God, your a doctor. Does he really expect you to leave a patient to cater to him? Really, this is unrealistic and if he is only in his 70s, I would worry about this kind of thinking. And when he leaves, does he come right back or does he consider it a night out? Yep, unrealistic. He married Mom for better or worse and this is the worse.
Hospice is paid by Medicare. Yes, in home the family does most of the work. An aide will be provided 3x a week or so to come in and bathe Mom. Usually for an hour but an OP said she was able to get 4 hrs. Other option is a LTC facility with Medicaid paying if there is a money problem. Seems Dad wants it all his way and thats not how life works.
I was in a similar situation as my father refused to get help for my mother. I couldn't help very often as I have a full time job, married with two teen kids and far enough away that it would be over an hour round trip to come to their place. After several early morning and late night trips up there, I let me Dad know when I could be there and any other time, he would need to find help elsewhere.
If my dad would say, "We need to care for you mother" and try and make me feel guilty, I would agree with him but reiterate that care needs to come from someone else. Just because you have outside help doesn't mean you are abandoning your mother, just finding the care she needs.
but caring for your mother at night is going to eventually compromise your medical decision making, putting your license and livelihood at risk.
Block EVERYONE’s numbers for awhile. They want to use you for free, rather than listening to you.
‘No’ is s complete sentence.