I’ve read posts of many caregivers being burned out and wanting to get out of their situation. I see a lot of encouragement, do’s and don’ts, but what I haven’t read is a way for the caregiver to really Get Completely Out !!!!
I have been a caregiver for 3 years now. No help. I can’t go anywhere, not even to the store, which only takes me 20 minutes there and back unless I find someone to sit with my mom. By the way, she’s coherent and can get out of bed, but refuses to do so. She handles her business, but is petrified of being alone because she REFUSES to get up out of the bed.
I am totally burned out and I do not want to care for her anymore.
How and who do I turn to to relieve me?
She doesn’t want to go to a facility, she doesn’t want anyone in her house.
I am trapped!!
Any suggestions?
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Your mom obviously needs psychiatric help as do you for allowing her to use you like she has.
You give your mom a 2 week notice that you'll be moving out and that she will now be on her own, as it's time to quit enabling your mom and time to start living your life away from her. It will be much healthier for you both.
Best wishes in getting your life back.
Make plans to find a new place to live and let your mother know you are moving out on this date. You are enabling her behavior.
Let your mother know that you are no longer willing or able to be her caregiver. Set a timeline for moving out(?) or moving on with your life.
You are in a dysfunctional relationship with your mother. The only way out is the front door. Move on with your life.
You matter and I hope that you take charge of your future. You can always call her local police precinct to do a wellness check on her.
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I have never answered anyone on here (that I remember) but this time I need to. I have a very demanding Spanish mother who has been the Ruler of this house and our family for YEARS. Very demanding, uses words to hurt, doesn't care if she makes you cry. She can be Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Almost makes YOU feel crazy. I had to leave my beloved job one week early (5th grade math co-teacher and will never see most of them again) because my mom was released from her rehab nursing home. I did not lose my job but this tore my heart out. My #1 priority is my family so this was what I needed to do. My dad and mom are 82 but my dad had a stroke on October 31, 2021 and mom had hers on Easter 2022. Dad is not completely balanced on his right side. My mom is completely bed/wheelchair bound. The first month here I cried more than I have in YEARS. My situation is not as horrible as yours but here is my advice. I had to tell my mom that I run from being treated bad, I will NOT STAND FOR IT. When she is nasty I tell her that I will be upstairs and will come back when she "feels better". I leave and don't come back for 30 minutes to an hour. She is taken care of changed, fed, and is safe. She has treated me this way my entire life and I have always said, "Oh that was just the way it was back then". Well now that I am 58 I will not take it anymore. I love my mom but have said for years that if she was not my mom I would have cut our relationship many years ago. I have learned that it is best for me to walk away or tell my dad that I am taking my BELOVED dog to the park. If you let "guilt" take over you will be a prisoner in your mom's castle forever. You need to contact a social worker. I have never had therapy but since this change in my life I do now. I "pay" her to be my BEST FRIEND and listen to me complain and tell her how I deal with my life now. You need to have BOUNDARIES. When you walk away and go to the store or park it will feel like you are free from what has bound you for years. You need to care about yourself now. I am the only child that can take care of my mom but I told my dad .... if I go insane what do you have now? I also got visiting angels which my dad did not want to do until I went home (2 hours away ... all my plants are dead.....) for 3 days to get dental work and he realized that taking care of her is hard physically, emotionally and EVERYTHINGLY. (made up that word!)
If you value your life don't be a martyr. You have the power to change YOUR life. Get a weekend pass and get away. Give your mom the phone and water and protein bars and let her know you will be gone. I would actually start by leaving for an 1 or 2 hours....one day and more the next until she knows that you mean what you say. What would she do if you got sick and could not care for her? PLEASE don't be a slave to your mind and thoughts. I was trained to feel guilty about everything. My mom wanted to be a Catholic Nun so... imagine my youth. Catholic guilt like no other. STAND UP FOR YOU. You have the key to get out of your cell....to leave the shackles that bind you. Otherwise you might as well nail all the doors and windows shut. I wish I could convince you to act for your well being but only you can do that. Try to read books about co-dependence. I learned so much about why I acted the way I did. My trained guilt. Good luck. Care about yourself. Btw... you don't have to leave the house to get help. My counselor/therapist is by phone and zoom. The books on codependency can be read on your phone. Good luck. I hope I have helped. I do not mean to be harsh but this is the truth that I live until my job starts AUGUST 31st. Since June 12th I have only been home for 3 days. Before this I could not be around my mom for a weekend. It has been hard. but I have learned.
Nancy in Seabeck Wa.
I would have Mom evaluated. First a good physical to see where her numbers are. Checked for any cognitive problems. Then I would ask if Dr. could give an order for a physical therapy eval to see what she can and can't do. If its deemed she is cognitively ok and she is not 24/7 care then start making your plans. If you have no job, get one. If she feels she needs someone to help her, she can hire someone. If no money, see if Medicaid will provide an aide a few hours a day. Once you have a job, you can save for a place of your own.
Do you enable or disable Mom in any way? Disabling meaning she can do it herself but ur doing it for her because its easier than listening to her. Its not too late to set Boundries. Tell her your tired of doing what she is capable of. Maybe it will take her longer to get something done, but you aren't doing it for her.
If you are not her DPOA, while she is competent, have her assign you. This does not mean your her Caregiver or there to fetch and carry for her. Its a tool. It will not be effective until she is not competent to make informed decisions. If she is 57, this is the way I would go. If she is more in her late 70s into her 80s, I would have it immediate. She could still be in charge but you don't need the competency thing to take over when its felt you need to. It gives you the ability to place her when she needs that 24/7 care.
There are posts on the forum where OPs have placed a LO in an AL. Everyday the LO calls complaining. One day the OP stops for a surprise visit to find the LO having a good old time. Some its doing for LO because they say they can't do it. A camera is put in the house and low and behold, LO is doing what they have been telling LO they can't.
Look.
She refuses to get up out of the bed.
But how about...
You refuse to stay trapped in the house. There is the door. Open it. Step outside.
The point being:
Your mother makes decisions for your mother.
You make decisions for you.
You are not responsible for finding the support she needs. She is. So you tell her enough is enough, and ask her what she plans to do when (not if) you return to your normal life. Note this point carefully: it is not for you to suggest the options - in home caregivers, assisted living, whatever. It is for her to understand that your support is coming to an end and SHE needs to think what SHE wants to do next.
So, mom CAN get out of bed (say if there's a fire), but she's afraid to be alone, yes?
Has she been seen (via telehealth) about her anxiety by a geriatric psychiatrist? What does her internist suggest?
You and she are enmeshed in each other's lives emotionally and physically (since you live together). Call her primary care physician and report that she is confining herself to bed. Make an appointment for her to see the physician. If she refuses to do so in person, ask if a telehealth appointment is possible. A prescription for anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds may be offered to her. Then it will be necessary to set up mental health care (social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist---btw, of these providers only the psychiatrist can prescribe meds--but even her primary care doctor prescribes, then the other types of providers can help with "talk therapy"). If she refuses this, then you may have to call 911 for emergency treatment for her mental health at a hospital.
This will be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life thus far. You need to save yourself, though. She will likely rant and rail against any actions you take. But know that you are taking steps to care for both yourself and her.
Good luck, stay strong.
Mental health assessment clearly needed. Mother needs much more than a caregiver. And could continue like this for 40 years.
She needs to get a job, get some medication for her anxiety and depression, and start exercising to help her Arthritis.
You need to help her to do those things in order for YOU to get out.
BTW, I am 57, and am far from old.
Show her this: https://oldladygains.com/blogs/women-you-should-meet/meet-ginny-maccoll
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