My mom is from Europe, raised during WW2. Her mother used to beat her and was emotionally unavailable, leaving my mother with back scarring that impacts her mobility and significant pain as she ages. My mom has led a very productive life, but much of the emotional pain she is sharing with me now more than ever. She said she does not want to pass over with bitterness and anger. I care for my mom full-time (meals, bathing, etc.), but feel ill-equipped to help her in this regard. How do I help her? We’ve had counseling over the years due to my dad’s alcoholism before he died, and my mother has had counseling and nursing training when she worked in the past.
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Mom needs to be shown that forgiveness is not for the abusers but for her. Maybe her Mom was beaten as a child and thought thats the way you discipline a child. Maybe she was emotionally unavailable because she had to be that way to survive. Europe was at war long before the US stepped in. Children were isolated and the family unit was all they knew. They thought it was normal. No TV to tell them different. How do you think Hitler got away with what he did. News did not travel the way it does now.
Mom has to forgive for her but its probably hard when you are suffering daily for what happened to her as a child. Her abuser is dead and gone. If she believes there is a God, have her ask him to lift this burden from her shoulders so when she leaves this world, she enters the new one with a forgiving heart.
Maybe it is ok for her to exit this life angry about what happened to her as a child. How come we never just tell people it's ok to be angry and bitter because of things that happened to them?
I don't think God cares one way or the other since he certainly cant be bothered with preventing children from experiencing the terrible things inflicted upon them by their parents.
There is no right or wrong answer but maybe OP should tell her mom its ok to be angry to rage and tell and then maybe she can move on to acceptance about what happened. Like the stages of grief.
God's not going to send her to hell for being angry at her mother.
Maybe that's what she needs to hear. That it's ok to be angry and bitter.
Maybe thats the first step to letting all that anger and bitterness go by getting it all out.
There is too much shame in religion that tells people they have to forgive or they will be punished by God. Or they are not a christian because they won't forgive. That is a form of abuse for the abused and wronged also.
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I am a Christian, so forgiveness is something I learned early on in my life as something we are to do when someone wrongs us, but it took me well into my adulthood for me to honestly be able to do just that.
But when I did, it was like a 100 lb. weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I could once again breath. It's hard to explain, but when we carry unforgiveness in our hearts it interferes with not only our mental health, but can affect our physical health as well, and until we are able to let it go, we can never be completely whole. And I wanted to be whole.
Harboring unforgiveness is like drinking a glass of poison and hoping the person who harmed/hurt us dies. It only hurts us, and yes I believe it can kill us too.
So my prayer for your mom is that she can once and for all forgive her mom and find peace(that only God can provide)so that she can leave this world for the next, whole.
God bless you both.
I wish there was something I could say that could give your mother peace as her mortal life winds down. The only thing I have is that her mother was genetically defective and an abnormality in what a mother and a human being is supposed to be.
I don't know what happens after we die but I do know all religions have no idea either.
I think that would be a major and very influential factor of your mother's life, one which she may be remembering now as she ages, remembering also the social pain, the losses, the fear, anxiety uncertainty and terror. Perhaps she now needs to share it and contrast it with post war life. Oro perhaps she feels that she needs to discuss it. From what I've read, that does seem to be a consideration for some people.
OTOH, my grandmother, her sister and 2 brothers escaped Armenia the year before the Ottoman massacres intensified, and she never discusses it. The only reaction is a far away look, very pensive, and quiet.
In addition, from what I've read, some parents had as much trouble coping with WWII as did survivors, including changing their parenting methods by becoming more demanding, controlling, and arbitrary in their parenting. In some cases it might have been b/c they knew what could happen and were trying to protect their children, albeit in an unpleasant way. This doesn't seem like compasson, but they knew what could happen and did happen and tried to obsessively control their families.
I think contacting a Jewish Welfare Agency might help; even if your mother wasn't Jewish, she could benefit from their skills and knowledge of dealing with survivors. I don't know if this would help, but perhaps networking with others, family as well as any neighbors who escaped Europe and Eurasia, might help.
You might also try to contact organizations of survivors, by nationality, to connect with them. Sharing those fears now when it's well past WWII might help discharge the terror and anxiety that prevailed.
I wish I could offer some insight, but this is a very complex issue, and not one which can be addressed with normal counseling.
That your mom at age 90(!) still bears the scars of emotional and physical abuse.
Is she religious of any nature? Reading the Bible (you can skip Song Of Solomon)--and putting positive vibes and attitudes out to her might help. Play beautiful music (The Mormon Tabernacle Choir has like 200 albums! My YB got to sing with them for 20 years, so I own a lot of those. Calm sweet music can soothe the soul like nothing spoken can.)
Would having a very gentle 'medical massage' help with her pain? A trained masseuse who works with amputees and medically challenged people can do wonders with releasing toxins found in the lymph system (yeah, I know, sounds kind of new-agey)--but after a MEDICAL massage, I always feel so much better. Also, the fact she would be getting 'good touch' as opposed to what she experienced as a child. Just a thought.
One of the things that helped me to 'get over' severe abuse by an older Brother was to have my therapist talk to me about 'the next life'. In my religion, we bleive that people will be 'assigned' to the kingdom of glory that they 'acheive' and her take on that was that my OB would not even be in the same PLACE as I would be. For eternity. That actually was THE turning point in my being able to get past the pain of abuse.
Do you have family? Ask them to write a letter to mom, upbeat and grateful to her for being her and for the love she gave. I treasure the letters my kids have written and now my grands.
Sadly, what your mom experienced was not unusual nor was it OK by any means. My SIL was beaten daily by his father. Now SIL is a prominent, well known and respected Doctor and his dad wants IN on a relationship. SIL has forgiven his father, but does not have a relationship with him, not does he allow his own kids anywhere near his parents. It's very sad. I don't see that ever changing.
Just give your mom all the love you can and let her grieve the childhood she didn't get...but do try to focus on the good. I believe that we will be incapable of anger and hate and the ability to hurt in the next life. It's THIS life that's so hard.
I'd be looking for groups or individuals from a related cultural background who can perhaps talk to her (and you) about her experiences and help her lay ghosts to rest. Are you in touch with any of her peers or their families?