My elderly mother wants to move to AL. My elderly dad w/ Parkinson's wants to stay home w/ caregivers. How to help them w/o separating?
Mom has history of falling & breaking bones the last 2 yrs. Dad can't be left alone w/ his physical limitations. Adult kids are at a loss. Mom has all the decision making authority w/POA, etc.
This makes me so sad. My brother's in-laws are in the same position -- Mom has Parkinson's and wants to move to AL, and Dad has numerous issues, including severe foot-drop and refuses to budge. Both are major fall risks, but more so him because he's too proud to use his walker. He's 6'5" and probably 260 pounds, and he's fallen so hard against the wall that he went right through the drywall.
She knows that it's a matter of time before a crisis will require a major change, and she's not willing to be the one to whom the crisis happens but he doesn't care. They do have caregivers at home, but they leave around 3 p.m. each day, and they're left on their own until the caregivers return in the morning.
These two have more money than God, but the husband refuses to bow down to age and infirmity, which is fine. He can do what he likes from the safety of an AL apartment that'd be about the same size as where they live now, as they currently live in a tiny beach house, but he's decided that his wife's level of infirmity would become his level if they were to move. Both are fully cognizant and competent, so their daughter can't do anything about it until The Phone Call comes.
I can offer no solutions, I'm afraid. Like it or not, a marriage does not create one person out of two, and sometimes one may just have to make a decision solely for herself alone. He might agree to move once she's been gone for a short time, so that's the best outcome you can hope for, I'm afraid.
Since mom has POA and wants to move to AL, then she can make that decision for both of them. Sell the house and use the proceeds to finance their lives in an apartment in AL. Dad doesn't have to like it, but he'll get used to life in AL and he'll be with his wife, so things should work out in the long run. You kids all get behind mom, support her, and urge dad on to get pumped about this move!
My parents lived in an Independent Living apartment for a couple of years when dad fell & broke his hip. He had no other choice but to move to Assisted Living and mom had no other choice but to move WITH him to AL. She wanted to stay in the IL apartment alone but I said no, b/c I had POA for both of them and could not afford to pay 2 rents, one in AL and one in IL. Plus, dad was adamant that he wanted mom with him in AL, so I told her she had to move with him. I had the job of liquidating all the things in their IL apt and moving her out of there and in with dad in AL. It all worked out in the end, they were together, honoring dad's last wishes (he died about 10 months later), and mom got her wish to live alone soon enough.
Sometimes in life, it's not about what we 'want' but what is required we do. In reality, my mother wound up requiring Assisted Living even more so than my dad. She lived in AL and then Memory Care AL for a total of 7 years before she passed away in February. I am very thankful I had them BOTH move to AL when I did, truthfully. It turned out to have been a very good decision, in hindsight. There is help available 24/7 in AL, and that's a good thing for an elder.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I feel your pain.
If mom has been the caregiver then she deserves some respite. Encourage her to move to ALF and let dad deal with caregivers in the home as long as he is able. He probably doesn’t realize how much he depends on her, Don’t think of it as separating but as them each getting needed care and time to come to grips with this stage of their life. Know that he will be following, just not right now.
Perhaps Mom is being realistic about how each of them are declining, and the reality that they will need to have help readily available at all times. Dad is balking at the change, but since he cannot be left alone, he already needs 24 hour care. Mom may be trying to get both of them to AL to avoid having the adult children have to take on all the tasks of managing a house and caregivers and medical issues for both of them for a time, and then moving to AL. If Mom and Dad don't need their adult children to help with mobility and hygiene and toileting, they are still your mom and dad. If you have to help them with personal care, there is a power shift that is awkward for all involved. Maybe talk with Mom more about her reasoning for the move. She may be helping Dad more than you all realize. May be more appropriate for all the adult children to get on board with the transfer to Assisted living - and 'act as if' the decision is made, when dealing with Dad. He will grumble, but he can't stay alone.
If Dad is competent and the POA is Springing Mom can do nothing.
You know even in an AL Mom will fall. There is no one with her 24/7. Figure out how much it costs for Dad to hire in home care. Then find out the cost for both of them to live in an AL. Then make a list of pros and cons.
If the adult kids are making it possible for them to stay in home, than the parents are no longer independent. If they need Caregivers, they are not independent.
Maybe you can talk to Dad and ask he consider Moms needs. His health will decline and she cannot care for him when it does. By going to an AL they have 3 meals a day. A nice room/apt. People waiting on them. Aides round the clock. Cleaning and laundry done. Activities and outings. Socialization. This is what she wants and needs, can't he give her that. You kids will help with moving them and doing what needs to be done to sell or give away things they won't need and get it ready for sale.
in this case mom wins. She holds all the cards so to speak if she has POA. Help her plan the move, help her make the decisions. Be supportive of her. Dad will have to go along. He is not going to like it but he will get used to it. If she has it narrowed down to 2 or 3 places bring him for a tour and get his input even knowing he will grumble and groan about it. I guess the choice will be "picking the lesser of 2 evils" as far as he is concerned. Maybe if he can be convinced this is for his wife's best interest and safety that might help make the move a little less "distressing" for him.
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She knows that it's a matter of time before a crisis will require a major change, and she's not willing to be the one to whom the crisis happens but he doesn't care. They do have caregivers at home, but they leave around 3 p.m. each day, and they're left on their own until the caregivers return in the morning.
These two have more money than God, but the husband refuses to bow down to age and infirmity, which is fine. He can do what he likes from the safety of an AL apartment that'd be about the same size as where they live now, as they currently live in a tiny beach house, but he's decided that his wife's level of infirmity would become his level if they were to move. Both are fully cognizant and competent, so their daughter can't do anything about it until The Phone Call comes.
I can offer no solutions, I'm afraid. Like it or not, a marriage does not create one person out of two, and sometimes one may just have to make a decision solely for herself alone. He might agree to move once she's been gone for a short time, so that's the best outcome you can hope for, I'm afraid.
My parents lived in an Independent Living apartment for a couple of years when dad fell & broke his hip. He had no other choice but to move to Assisted Living and mom had no other choice but to move WITH him to AL. She wanted to stay in the IL apartment alone but I said no, b/c I had POA for both of them and could not afford to pay 2 rents, one in AL and one in IL. Plus, dad was adamant that he wanted mom with him in AL, so I told her she had to move with him. I had the job of liquidating all the things in their IL apt and moving her out of there and in with dad in AL. It all worked out in the end, they were together, honoring dad's last wishes (he died about 10 months later), and mom got her wish to live alone soon enough.
Sometimes in life, it's not about what we 'want' but what is required we do. In reality, my mother wound up requiring Assisted Living even more so than my dad. She lived in AL and then Memory Care AL for a total of 7 years before she passed away in February. I am very thankful I had them BOTH move to AL when I did, truthfully. It turned out to have been a very good decision, in hindsight. There is help available 24/7 in AL, and that's a good thing for an elder.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I feel your pain.
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Encourage her to move to ALF and let dad deal with caregivers in the home as long as he is able.
He probably doesn’t realize how much he depends on her, Don’t think of it as separating but as them each getting needed care and time to come to grips with this stage of their life. Know that he will be following, just not right now.
Dad is balking at the change, but since he cannot be left alone, he already needs 24 hour care.
Mom may be trying to get both of them to AL to avoid having the adult children have to take on all the tasks of managing a house and caregivers and medical issues for both of them for a time, and then moving to AL.
If Mom and Dad don't need their adult children to help with mobility and hygiene and toileting, they are still your mom and dad. If you have to help them with personal care, there is a power shift that is awkward for all involved.
Maybe talk with Mom more about her reasoning for the move. She may be helping Dad more than you all realize.
May be more appropriate for all the adult children to get on board with the transfer to Assisted living - and 'act as if' the decision is made, when dealing with Dad. He will grumble, but he can't stay alone.
You know even in an AL Mom will fall. There is no one with her 24/7. Figure out how much it costs for Dad to hire in home care. Then find out the cost for both of them to live in an AL. Then make a list of pros and cons.
If the adult kids are making it possible for them to stay in home, than the parents are no longer independent. If they need Caregivers, they are not independent.
Maybe you can talk to Dad and ask he consider Moms needs. His health will decline and she cannot care for him when it does. By going to an AL they have 3 meals a day. A nice room/apt. People waiting on them. Aides round the clock. Cleaning and laundry done. Activities and outings. Socialization. This is what she wants and needs, can't he give her that. You kids will help with moving them and doing what needs to be done to sell or give away things they won't need and get it ready for sale.
Help her plan the move, help her make the decisions. Be supportive of her.
Dad will have to go along.
He is not going to like it but he will get used to it.
If she has it narrowed down to 2 or 3 places bring him for a tour and get his input even knowing he will grumble and groan about it. I guess the choice will be "picking the lesser of 2 evils" as far as he is concerned.
Maybe if he can be convinced this is for his wife's best interest and safety that might help make the move a little less "distressing" for him.