Recent visit with Mom who is 95. Her dementia not improving. She has balance issues, hearing and vision loss. My sibling came to home to take Mom and me on an outing. Sibling's car had no air conditioning and it was very HOT, in 90's and humid. No air vents turned on, windows rolled up because of a fear that the bug on windshield would get into car. Also drove a route that had many hills, twists and turns. Our mom started to get carsick and so did I. After dropping us off at her senior home, sibling left us without saying goodbye. No contact since then. The sibling cannot talk to mom without outside help and haven't talked to her since I left. Tried working with this sibling to set up zoom meetings, no response to any request I make. Sibling has aspergers issues, so I know there are mental issues on the sibling's part. I need help dealing with this. I have tried to be positive in all my dealings with this sibling, but I really don't want to have anything to do with this person. They once said, what does this have to do with me? At Dad's funeral and wake only talked to others about personal plans, nothing about Dad. After many years, I can't take it anymore. Certain stress relievers help on a temporary basis only.
Any help/advice someone can give me would be appreciated.
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Dementia will never 'improve', it will only worsen. Your brother's condition will never improve either, so your best bet is to limit your contact with him if he's causing you this much stress. Try to structure your visits with mom so that they don't coincide with your brother's visits. Don't take rides with him in his car since he has no a/c. The best way to 'deal with' him is to avoid dealing with him, since there really isn't anything you can 'do' to change his Asperger's diagnosis. He's set in his ways and nothing is going to change that. He sees things in black & white and how they pertain to him, basically, which isn't going to change; it's how his brain operates. If you don't want anything more to do with him, then don't have anything more to do with him. We all function within the parameters of what we have been given. Your brother's been given a bit less to function with, so he needs some grace to be extended to him as a result. Feeling anger towards your brother won't change the fact that he's on the spectrum and functioning within his capabilities. It seems frustrating to you, I know, but he isn't aware there's a problem; if you mention it, he is still unlikely to see a problem. So leave it alone and avoid him, for the most part. Don't expect him to treat your mother as a loving & devoted son would; he's not capable of that. Just continue treating your mom the way YOU see fit, and leave it at that.
Best of luck.
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Without giving him an outright “pass”, you are aware that he may be missing some parts of her care needs and perhaps over exaggerating others.
So maybe it’s the best for all of you to ease up a little on your expectations, especially if she’s more or less dealing with him and he’s dealing with her.
You .certainly need to do your best to keep an eye on things, but for yourself try not to get too involved in anything that seems not perfect but at least functioning OK.
What heSAYS doesn’t have to be an issue for you, and only YOU can overlook his “stuff” so work on letting it go. He’s lucky to have you as part of the care team.