Transitioning my spouse to a care facility. Any advice?

I, too, was haunted by the promise of my wedding vows, but I knew I could no longer care for my wife of 52 years. The wandering, the delusions, the hallucinations were all too much for me to safely care for her and I had to find her a new home. But I promised her that I would take care of her, not some stranger in an institution. “For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part”. Was I abandoning her? Was I reneging on my vows? No. I decided that if I could find her an acceptable caring facility, one that could ensure her safety, manage her medications, and understand her illness better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her.

You as her caregiver have an equal responsibility to take care of yourself. One danger a dementia caregiver faces is personally caring for a LO beyond their, the caregiver’s, caregiving limits. I don't mean caring as in loving your LO, but rather trying to provide for all of their needs and responding to their behavior at the expense of your own physical and mental health. I’m sure her request to not “throw her away” was gut wrenching to hear. But I assure you that your decision to place your bride in a care facility is best for both your and her wellbeing.

So let the tears come. Accept the grief that the separation will cause and the thought that your life has changed. I do pray that her stay in MC will be short (my wife’s was only 15 months). So visit her often. Hold hands (touch is important), express your love for her, reminisce. The last days are tough and even if she no longer knows who you are, you know who she is…be there for her.

It’s been almost 5 years since my wife’s passing, and although there’s not a day I don’t think of her, the grief is gone, and I’ve accepted my new life. You, too, will struggle with grief, but your life goes on.

"Till death do us part" means that you'll stand by your wife until the day she dies. And you're doing just that, my friend. You're placing her in a safe environment where she'll be properly cared for 24/7 by a whole team of people devoted to that very thing. That's hardly 'throwing her away', let's face it. Your wife may start using inappropriate words with you now, telling you how you've 'thrown her away' and begging you to take her home, calling you names, and all sorts of other ugly language. Expect it, but try to take it with a grain of salt, recognizing it's the disease talking and not your bride of 32 years. She's gone now, lost to the ravages of dementia, sadly.

I lost my mother to dementia in February, and prayed daily that God would take her because nobody wants to see their loved one live like that. We all suffer when dementia comes into play. It's a family disease. It's not just your dear wife who's dealing with this, but you as well. You're hurting and suffering right along with her b/c your life has been overturned right along with hers. I know how hard this is for you to place her in Memory Care (as I did with my mother), but know it's the right move, no matter WHAT others may tell you. Go visit her as much as you're able, and spend time with her in her new home after she settles in. It's all you can do. Know that you're a good and loving husband and your wife is in capable hands.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace moving forward.

Caring for someone you love means doing what's best for her, and that's what you're doing. You certainly are not throwing her away, and you are not parting. Now you'll be freed up from the more difficult tasks to simply love on her, and that's a blessing for you both.

I sent a prayer up. Your wife is a very lucky woman.

We had a lovely man at Church whose wife suffered from fluid on the brain. It causes Dementia like symptoms. He was so patient with her. When he was needed for a project at the Church, women friends of his wife would stay with her. He, too, eventually had to place her. He was with her every afternoon. He had lunch with her and stayed till dinner. He was there for her and him too. You are not throwing her away because you will be there for her and true to your vows. This is an awful desease and one person cannot be expected to care for someone 24/7. It takes a village.

So very sorry that you and your wife are going through this terrible transition.

You are with her till death do you part, you are just living in different spaces. She requires more care than you can give her, you are doing the right thing for her.

I wish you the very best in this long journey, my best friend is going through this right now, her husband is trying to hold onto what was, not what is.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with your wife's early onset Alzheimer's. My husband and I will pray for you and your wife during this transition to a Memory Care unit. You are fortunate to find one near by you. You are doing the right thing; and your wife will get the care she needs.
My FIL was moved to a memory care unit a few months ago; after 70+ years with my MIL. He has severe dementia that has progressed to the point he cannot take care of his daily toileting and other needs. The transition for him was not as difficult as it was for my MIL. Your wife is very blessed to have you making this difficult decision on her behalf. We will pray for peace for you as you cope with not having your sweet wife by your side.

The vow you made was to
Love and cherish her in sickness and in health.....
By placing your bride in a place that will care for her you are honoring that vow.
You are not for forsaking her.
You are not throwing her away.
You are making a difficult choice that will keep her safe and protected.
Would you want her to do the same if she were in your position?
With others helping to care for her you can again be the loving, devoted husband you are and not a caregiver.
You have done the best that you can do. No one can ask more of any human than that.
I always told myself when I went to bed each night that if I did the best that I could for my Husband that day then I could sleep easy.
Sleep well....((hugs))

My husband is not suffering from dementia. He has a progressive neurological disease which at some point will become fatal. He is at the point now where it takes two people to get him out of bed and he has to have everything done for him. He cannot do any ADLs. Right now. I have 40 hours a week of caregiving to help me. But it is likely that in the future he will become bedridden. Consequently I am looking for a placement for him for the fall because by that time I believe it will be too difficult to care for him in our house. This decision is the most difficult that I have ever made in my life. Even after we knew he had this illness, I promise to care for him at home. However, it is more difficult to do so than I had ever imagined. He understands and is willing to do what I need to do on his behalf. This does not make it any easier. I plan to spend every day with him when he is in a care facility. It is just that I cannot be alone with him anymore. It is not safe. Oh my goodness, just writing this all out for this group is difficult because it is a public declaration of what I'm going to do. We will be married 55 years as of next week. I've known him since I was 17 years old. The thought that he will not be in this house with me is overwhelming. Yet I know I need to do this for his safety and mine. These decisions are never easy and no one can understand what a person goes through to make a placement decision like this. All we can do is wish each other well with the decisions we make.

Terry, I'm glad you've found a good place! For those who are interested, here is an varticle on using well established Montessori principles with Alzheimer patients.

https://www.alzheimers.net/montessori-method-dementia

So happy you wrote. Just two weeks ago I transitioned my husband of 30 years from home care with myself/aides to residential care. Despite the much better care he is receiving and the lessened burden on me, my heart is broken and he of course wishes to be home. Taking this step is very difficult when you have built your life around someone. The good news is you are close by. I spend time with my husband each evening and more on the weekends. Every treatment/care facility is different. The programming offers much needed mental stimulation for dementia. We are fortunate to have the best near us with 24/7 nurses and aides on duty. It took a good week for my husband to get used to the new surroundings and routine. I am told it usually takes much longer. I have tears and fight tears everyday from my thoughts of him in a new place and my loneliness of being at home. While I can’t yet figure out my new routine, I do not miss for one second the wear and tear on my emotional and physical health resulting from taking care of him at home. It is a hard, confusing time for us both. I am grateful we are in a position to do this for him, for me. So many cannot. It doesn’t make it any easier. I wish you godspeed.