How can we stop feeling guilty for not visiting in the nursing home more often?

My mom wants to see 2 of the 5 living sibs. I'm not one of them.

I have gone 18 months without seeing or talking to her (during my cancer tx) and she never reached out to me. When I DID have hair again, and didn't look so horrible, I went to see her. She acted like I had seen her the day before. I'm just not on her radar, unless she cannot get something done she wants done. Then she'll get a message to me that she 'needs me'.

I don't feel one IOTA of 'guilt'. It's a 2 way street. Mom does not have dementia, her memory is scrambled, but she passes the tests they give her, so for all intents and purposes, she's just more self involved than 'demented'. My cancer didn't resonate with her and so she didn't think about it.

ANY 'guilt' I had about not doing more for her was 100% eradicated at that time.

None of my relatives judge me. Esp my sibs. I've had people who know her say to me that I need to spend more time with my 'precious mother' while I still have her. (She's 92). I just thank them for their concern, and ignore them.

I say set your own rules on how often you WANT to visit. It's not a competition. It doesn't mean someone is BETTER if they visit more often or that someone is WORSE if they visit less often. I visit my elderly parents every 2 wks roughly and I could go more as they live very close. I could also go less. This works for me atm and I dont need to defend/justify/explain anything to anyone about my visits. when I visit I behave respectfully and helpfully. Do other family members judge me? I am sure they probably do. It's none of my business what they say about me behind my back.

I don't understand these questions lately -- "How do I stop feeling guilty," "Should I be upset when..," "Am I right to feel..."

How does someone ask strangers to justify their feelings? Is that really going to make you feel better?

I can only go by my own experience and feelings. I would never have gone six weeks without communicating with my mother. I didn't see her in person for a full year during Covid, but I called her and talked to her. I had the aides bring a phone to her. I dropped her a note in the mail and had them read them to her because she was mostly blind.

I made the effort and found the time.

How should you not feel guilty? I would suggest not doing things to feel guilty about.

I have tried to visit weekly, but for this summer, every other week.

She no longer knows who I am, which is actually a relief. I’m just some nice lady who brings her mail and reads it to her. She tells me about her child and I tell her about mine.

I am trying to be there for her, my kids, my husband, my friends and neighbours. I can’t be everything to everybody all the time. Neither can you.

We all seem to make time for what we really want to in our life right? So I can only guess that for some reason she is just not a priority in your life right now. I'm sure you must have your reasons, so just accept whatever those reasons are and quit feeling guilty about it.
And don't get me wrong, after many years of abuse from my parents they too were not a priority in my life, and I had made peace with that after I forgave them, and have no regrets now that they're both gone.
You just don't want to have any regrets after she's gone, so make sure that you truly are at peace with the random visits,(and if you're not, then do something to change it)because once she's gone there's no going back to change things.
Have fun on your vacation!

Set up a schedule of regular visits and then stick to it. Even if it's once every month or every other month. Otherwise you won't find the time to go and you'll wind up feeling guilty as a result. Failure to plan is a plan to fail, I've found in my own life.

I am in the same situation, mom in NH, and try to visit regularly. I have two teenage kids, a full-time job which includes travel and a desire to enjoy my weekends, which is the only time I can visit.

I went up almost every weekend throughout summer and it was incredibly difficult. I missed out on enjoying my summer, having the kids home and doing things as a family. I decided to take the final two weekends off.

I agree that consistency is key. I have decided that going forward I will visit every other weekend. When I do visit, my mother doesn't talk much to me as she can't hear very well.

My mother has been in a NH for 2 and 1/2 years and I anticipate will be there for much longer. I know I had to find a balance or I wouldn't be able to spend time with my kids, have a career I love and travel with my husband.

My advice, visit as often as you feel comfortable. Don't feel guilt for not being able to do more. We all have limits on our time and need to balance as best we can.

'Enjoy your vacation

Some members here would probably be "happy" if their loved one acted like your mom in the NH.

NH has your number if something comes up, so that lessens the worry on you.

It’s okay. The visits seem to mean little to her. She may not remember them, or visiting is so tiring to her that it’s not worth it. You are checking up on her with the phone calls. It’s not as if you don’t care.

Maybe do a short visit once a month?