Mom was scammed. How do I prevent this from happening again without making her feel dumb? And a warning to other caregivers.

Sometimes if a parent is resistant to giving up control of their finances you have to do what you can without them knowing. I have POA but my father will never ever admit he should not be handling his bills anymore. Even though he took his property tax bills into the bank to try to pay them. He just thinks everyone else is being difficult and won’t take his payment. He owns multiple rental properties so it’s a lot to keep track of. I also worry he could be scammed. Here is what I am doing to try to get control of his finances to protect him…

-I am on his accounts, so for the really important bills like property taxes, insurance, mortgages, life insurance, etc., I had the bills set to electronic delivery to my email address and no more paper bills to him. Then I pay them out of his accounts with checks I ordered for myself or set them up for automatic payment out his accounts. I also switched his bank statements to electronic delivery going to me. Out of sight, out of mind. I make sure they get paid, and he keeps his dignity by not even knowing I am doing it. I leave him just enough bills to pay on his own, and the small ones that aren’t going to cause a big problem if they are late or not paid at all, so he doesn’t get too suspicious. If he asks where a bill is I tell him, “Oh, you already paid that one”, and that seems to be enough.

-I put alerts on his accounts so if any check tries to clear over a certain amount, I set it at $250, I get a text and an email asking if this check is legitimate. If it isn’t I can put a stop on it and it won’t clear his account.

- I went to the bank and told the manager my father was having memory problems and to please keep an eye on him if he were to come in with anybody and try to withdrawal cash, or try to take out a large sum on his own. I was heartened that she said they were aware of my father’s confusion as they had noticed it, and had their eye on him and his accounts and they would call me if they saw anything suspicious. She also said that most banks keep an eye on their senior citizens more closely than other customers. I also told them that he is not “allowed” to take out more than $500 a week. Any more than that and they need to call me.

- I went to the big three credit reporting agencies and froze my father’s credit. That way nobody can take out a CC in his name and he can’t take out any new ones of finance any purchases. I did this after he had a car towed away after it broke down on the freeway and he took a cab home from 60 miles away and we never found the car as he didn’t have any info on who towed it away. So he went out the next day and just financed a new car. No more big purchases for him. I had to put an end to that.

- I cancelled two of his four credit cards so he can’t use them anymore, and then took them out of his wallet. When he asked where they were I said they had expired and we were waiting for the new ones. Then on the two remaining cards I had the limit lowered and did the same that I did with his bank accounts. I get an alert if a charge is made over a certain amount and I can deny it.

It’s a lot of work to get it all set up initially, but the best way I could think of to try to protect him. Especially as I live 3000 miles away on the opposite coast and have to rely on others to look in on him during the week, for now.

I am so sorry for her. It is very easy to fall for a scam, even if you are not elderly. Think of all the people who click on links in emails or will get help from tech support who attach "keystroke recorders" on the unsuspecting victim's computers.

We schooled my Mom that she was NEVER to "get" anything over the phone. Because she needed a reply to use, she would always say "I need to talk to my son. May I have your phone number and name and I will call you back". It turns out this is one of the most effective weapons against a scam. If the scammer does not give a phone number with a name immediately and hang up, chances are that the phone call is a scam. If they argue with you, then it is a scam. If they bully you, it is a scam. The chances are high that they cannot call you back once you get off the phone with them. The longer you are on the phone with them, the greater the chance that you will be drawn into the scam.

My Mom had only 1 credit card and it was a Discover card. At the time, most businesses only took Mastercard or Visa. That also stopped a few scammers. If your Mom used a credit card to give the scammers money, perhaps you could get her a different branded card that is more difficult to use for phone purchases. Since this has already happened once, it might be better if she does not have a credit card in her possession. Most credit card companies can issue a 1 time use number if she wants to order something through the mail. Is it possible to cancel the old card number and get a new number and not let her know the old number has been cancelled?

We told my Mom if anyone called her saying we were in jail, she is not to provide any money. She is to immediately hang up and call another one of the children or grandchildren. We said that we would rather have her hang up on us and leave us in jail, rather than give someone money which doesn't guarantee our release anyway.

My Mom never did like the computer for doing her finances. She visited the banks, She liked to touch and feel the goods before purchasing. For that we were grateful.

When I initially went to the banks with her, they would take her aside and ask her questions. Then they would ask me for my id and ask me the same questions to see if the answers were the same. I was grateful for those small checks.

My mother also moved into a condo which required a key to get through the main door. This eliminated the door-to-door salesmen and missionaries and the people who want to repair your driveway or your roof.

One can no longer tell if a phone call is a spam call anymore since the calls from foreign countries now use a spoofer to have caller id be a local number. After many calls of 1 or 2 rings and no one there, my Mom let the phone ring at least 5 times before she would attempt to pick it up. They tried the "grandchild is in jail" trick and she asked them for the full name of the child. She wanted the middle name, they just hung up. I happened to be with her when the call came through. That is when we told her that under no circumstance is she to believe those phone calls.

To add insult to injury, now that your Mom has been successfully scammed, she is now on "the list." This is a "victim" list that is sold to other scammers. People who have been scammed once, will generally be scammed again because they were embarrassed the first time and will try and make up what they lost...and get scammed again and again and again. The scammers are relying on the fact that these people are too embarrassed to get help, therefore they are now easy targets.

There are several pamphlets on scams, what they might look like and how you can protect yourself, that are available from your state's Office of Aging. If your Mom can still read, I would suggest that you pick up some pamphlets and let her read them. I suggest that you read it also and discuss strategies with her.

The only defense against scams is preparation and education.

You could see if your mom would be onboard with you taking over her fiances.
There really is no way for a person to not feel dumb when they realize they've been scammed. Especially if other people know about it. Your mother not being comfortable discussing how much she shelled out to these scammers means she probably gave them a lot.
All you can do is speak to her plainly. She got scammed. She's not the first, she won't be the last. Feeling embarrassed can help a person become more careful.

So, been there and done that with my dad.

He lives five hours away and called me one night and said I needed to be at his house 8:00 a.m. in the morning because PCH was coming to deliver his prize. I had to find news reports about this scam before dad believed it was a scam.

[This was six months after he fell for another scam (fake FB profile posing as his former secretary convinced him that he could get a $50,000 government grant if he sent processing fees). After he lost several thousand to that one, I took over his Facebook account, his comcast acccount (internet, email, and home phone) and put his cell phone on our cell phone plan so I can see the numbers that call and text him.]

There are federal agencies where you can file reports. Find them and file reports. Get your mom's passwords to her social accounts, email, online banking, etc. and monitor her activities daily.

Our parents belong to a generation that trusted everyone. They just don't get that not everyone has their best interests at heart.

I am so sorry. I was on my Moms accts so I was able to get access them. TG she got rid of her credit cards when Dad died and just lived on what she brought in. She was never one to buy unless she really needed it.

My Mom did not have caller ID. I drummed it in to her that if the call was about donating to a charity or someone selling something tell them her daughter handled her money. She was very good about this but did get sucked in once.

Do you remember the Vets and their lightbulbs? Mom bought them everytime they called. Well she got a call saying "Its time to order ur lightbulbs". So of course she assumed it was the Vets. Well the price of the bulbs were outrageous (like $80) and she said no I can't afford that. So they got her down to 50-1 gallon bags at the cost of $35.00 this included shipping. I know this because she fessed up that she thought she may have boobed. They sent the bags and billed her. TG she didn't have a credit card. Shipping was $8 so the bags were $27. The bags were no better than the $1 store ones. I called the company (no not the Vets) and told them I was sending them back and needed a shipping label. They told me to keep the bags and they would delete the charges. In the background you could hear kids. I looked up the company and only got a phone# no website.

I am sure my MIL fell for the same scam because she had a box of trash bags in her garage, from them, when we cleaned out her house.

I so hope your Mom didn't send alot of money. And by the way PCH is a scam in itself. So she shouldn't be dealing with them in any way.

As long as your mom has access to her own money this will continue to happen until she loses it all.

This happened to my Mom while she was on Oxy - it causes a cognitive decline for her. She was approached by a reliable friend on Facebook.

Same thing, PCH. They got all her information. Social security number, date of birth, birthplace, maiden name, mother’s maiden name, credit card number.

I filed a police report, went to the bank and investment company office. It is a small town, I didn’t have a POA, but I showed them the screenshots. They knew the guy whose account had been hacked. Unofficially, there was an alert placed on her accounts. I had her cancel her credit card and get a new one.

I’m slightly resigned that her identity has been stolen and this could go very badly.

She was frustrated with her ipad and had me get her a new one. I kept the old one and every so often I check her Facebook and email.

I’ve thought about checking her credit report - and I’ve tried to have her check it when we are together.

My mother thought a similar thing as well, she was hooked on PCH, bought all kinds of junk from them.

We convinced her not to keep doing this, she agreed, didn't for a couple of years, then she started all over again.

She is now in AL and all her mail comes to my brother at his house, finally ended the nonsense.

She didn't lose a lot but more than she should have.

My opinion she will not stop, she is hooked, that is why so many old women get caught up in the Nigerian scams, lonely and unable to make sensible decisions.

I think that you should discard the hopefulness part, and sit down with her and be honest, most important do not give her any money.

Good Luck.

You could get her a different phone number after you educate her. But if she answers scam calls, she’ll soon get more. Ask her to name you as a trusted contact on her financial accounts. That way if the bank senses that something isn’t right, they’ll contact you and you can nip it in the bud.

Just let her know that people of all ages get caught up in scams - she wasn't stupid or anything like that. It sounds good and that's what scammers want. Tell her that if she gets any calls at all where they ask for any kind of personal information, she should tell them she does not conduct business over the phone. Don't buy or pay anyone that calls you asking for info.

You might also tell her how sneaky they can be. The caller ID can look like the call is coming from her bank, the phone company, etc. If it looks like it's someone like that, she should hang up and call you. Then you can verify if someone legit is trying to call her.