My 83-year-old father-in-law has serious memory and self-care issues. He was hospitalized in February after setting his apartment stove on fire twice in a week (building manager had him transported) and having extreme confusion after doing so the 2nd time--he thought he was back in the Korean War. We discovered at that point that his apartment was covered in urine-soaked and feces-covered clothing, his bed was urine-soaked, and there was wet and dried feces all over the bathroom floor. He does not have pets. The place still smells, 6 months later, despite a thorough professional cleaning (including rug shampooing) and leaving the windows cracked open all winter with no one there.
He hasn't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or dementia yet because if we remove him from the hospital to take him to an appointment (they won't do the diagnosis themselves), they won't take him back, and there is nowhere else for him to go.
They called us out of the blue and said they are releasing him on Thursday, or charging him $1600 a day out-of-pocket. We've attempted to call over a dozen attorneys, and none have returned our calls. Only one accepted our phone call, and referred us to someone else who didn't return our call.
He has about $17k in his checking account, and an unknown amount of life insurance and investments--we've been trying for months to get the information from Merrill-Lynch and the insurance company, and despite my husband having guardianship over his person and estate, they are throwing up serious roadblocks. The investments are unlikely to be significant.
The state has been extremely difficult due to Merrill-Lynch thing, and someone at the state level called Adult Protective Services and started an investigation against DH for financial neglect--which is the furthest thing from the truth! My husband is freaking out and posting weird depressing/anxiety-ridden Pink Floyd lyrics on Facebook... he NEVER posts anything, this is extremely out-of-character for him, and I am very concerned that I'm going to end up with him in the hospital, or worse, as he's made scary comments about his own life insurance being useful.
The VA won't take FIL because when he was last evaluated, his service-related disability was a few percentage points shy of admission requirements.
We CANNOT take him into our home for several reasons:
The only two entrances into the house are dangerous for his physical condition due to the stairs both to the front door and from the garage to the living area on the first floor living space (under-house garage), which can be navigated by someone in fair condition, but even I, at an overweight 47 with back trouble, have trouble with them sometimes.
Our septic system for the 5-bedroom house is rated for 4 bedrooms, and we already have 5 adults and a 4-year-old in the home. We could just have it pumped more often, but the well runs dry regularly these days, leaving us with no water for several hours at a time. We do not have the funds to frack the well or drill it deeper, so we're making do.
The first floor of the home has a master bedroom with full bath, and a very small bedroom occupied by my autistic 18-year-old. The only other bathroom is a half-bath in the hall, so my 18yo showers in the master bath. The second floor is occupied by my oldest son and his wife and child (the 4yo). They have 3 bedrooms, one of which is used as an office for my son, who works from home, and my daughter-in-law has VERY generously (and crazily) offered to move the 4yo into her room to give space for FIL. However, the stairs to the upstairs are very steep, and we are concerned about FIL wandering around at night and falling down them--my DIL has fallen down them twice in the last five years (they're totally legal and normal, it sounds worse than it is!). There is a sliding door at the top of them, but it secured only by a hook and eye.
I think taking him on would be a major mistake.
Help? What do I do? :(
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We're trying to spend down the $17k by finding bills he has to pay, but because we have no idea what's in the investment accounts, we don't know whether that is just the tip of the iceberg. We think the investments are probably low based on FIL's potential lifetime earnings and his expenses, but have no idea whether FIL may have inherited money at some point that would have changed all that--his mother might have had some money and passed in the late '90s.
don’t worry @bout spending down. Wherever FIL is placed , they will quickly spend down for you in rent.
contact the social worker at the hospital. Is he in a hospital or a rehab attached ? Whom ever you talk to they need to do their job. Do not bring him home anywhere.
See, if you can get him into a self pay till Medicaid memory care , you never know … where I found a place for my mom , they wanted a year of self pay…she wasn’t going to make it. They took her anyway… (she passed 2 days before the appointment at my county office for aged and disabilities , for Medicaid application to be made)
speaking of your county office of aged an disabilities… contact them to see if they can help you.
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If the hospital doesn't have the proper equipment to run tests on FIL, usually the hospital will transfer that patient to a hospital that does.
Something isn't quite right.
There are enough beds and not enough staff. Because many have gone onto working where their salaries are higher or quit because they didnt want to take the experimental shot.
Let the hospital bill FIL. Assuming no one has signed to pay his bills, he might lose credit rating points but hey, that’s probably a minor concern.
How is it that with guardianship papers, he is unable to get his father into long term care and access the money to pay for it? Or apply to Medicaid?
As Guardian, your husband is responsible for his father as if he were a child. If he can't handle that responsibility (and it sounds like he can't) he needs to contact the court, resign and allow the state to take over.
Guardianship is a HUGE responsibility; I don't blame your husband for being overwhelmed.
Just keep repeating this, over and over. Make it your mantra, a prayer, a chant. And stick to it no matter what happens.
Find out if he will be made a state ward if you refuse to take responsibility for him. Consult a lawyer using his funds if you have to.
Some states require the involvement of offspring in situations like yours, but others don’t. Find out what your state does in such situations.
Have you spoken to a VA Counselor? Some are better than others but it’s worth a shot.
Why has the hospital refused to do a cognitive diagnosis? Will they allow you to bring in someone at FIL’s cost? You NEED a written statement indicating that he is incompetent because of his mental status.
AGAIN- REFUSE TO TAKE HIM INTO YOUR HOME.
If your FIL was in the service during wartime (you mention the Korean War), he could qualify for Aid & Attendance benefits from the VA to the tune of a couple thousand dollars a month for his care. Again, the EC attorney could advise you on that matter, too. I applied for benefits for my father who fought in WWII by contacting the State Veterans Service Officer at The Dept of Military & Veteran Affairs in my state. She literally filled out the application FOR me while I sat there giving her the documents she required me to bring with me beforehand. Dad was approved less than 1 month later, and the Aid and Attendance benefits he received went towards paying his rent in Assisted Living, which helped A LOT.
Don't think about taking him into your home; only experienced caregivers are qualified to care for an elder with THIS level of dementia at play. I wonder why the hospital did not diagnose him? My mother was quickly diagnosed at the hospital during a stay when she was given a cognition test. In any event, your FIL will need to be diagnosed and determined to need help with at least 3 ADLs (activities of daily living) before Aid & Attendance benefits will be considered.
As far as your DH is concerned, I'm sure he feels overwhelmed with what's happening with his father, and feeling helpless to fix this situation at the same time. Have him read the replies you will get here on the forum and he'll see in short order that he can take ACTION to help his dad. It's never hopeless when you have a PLAN in place to do that!
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Both of us work full-time, DH at a job where he's been doing the tasks of two people for several months (his manager quit suddenly and he got promoted to that position, but no one has filled his old position yet, so he's doing interviews on top of managing the team and doing his old job), and I own a struggling business where I just laid off 75% of my staff and DH and I are trying to pick up the slack. When Adult Protective Services called, DH said, "Fine, I'll resign as guardian!" and the woman told him he legally couldn't resign, and certainly couldn't do so without finding a replacement, which I've found is not technically true... it just seems he has to file with the court and "recommend" a replacement--which in this case would be the state, I guess. DH's mother died 11 years ago, his sister is 100% disabled and in a nursing home (FIL is still listed as her guardian, which we're trying to fix through the courts, since obviously he's not fit to be his own guardian!), and there are no other relatives at all on DH's side--both FIL and MIL were only children, and we don't know of any cousins they might have been in communication with. Even their friends from their hometown have all moved to Florida (FIL and MIL relocated 250 miles to be near us in 2004).
I have not seen him, as he had refused to see me for six months prior to him being admitted--last July (2021) when he bought a car (he'd lost his in November 2020 due to repossession for failure to pay--he had the money, he just didn't pay), I completely freaked out on him over the phone. For the first time ever I yelled at him, told him it was a stupid purchase, that he was too old and deaf and blind to be driving, and it was unsafe and he was going to kill someone. I then called the police about it, in an attempt to get his license revoked and perhaps the neighbor who drove him to the dealership in trouble for elder abuse (he got a kickback from the dealership). FIL and the neighbor got in an accident in the car 3 days later. Fortunately there were no injuries, although both cars were totaled. He refused to speak to me from that time forward, and regularly announced with pride that he'd deleted me from his phone. *The police did nothing.
In March, my DIL, who superficially resembles me, especially a younger me when wearing a mask, went with DH to visit. He didn't recognize her (she lived with him for a year about 7 years ago, so he's very familiar with her!), and rudely made it clear that he didn't want visitors that day. He's never done that except that one time that DH brought her, so neither of us visit so as not to agitate him.