How do you deal with a highly picky grandma who is very demanding and shows no appreciation for you bending over backwards? I’m losing it!

In truth, our loved ones are supposed to treat us with kindness & respect even more so than friends and other people in our lives. But many times, they don't, for some reason, and they think it's okay, that they're entitled to treat us poorly and for some reason, we feel 'obligated' to accept that poor treatment as if we deserve it. Well I'm here to tell you that you DO NOT deserve poor treatment from grandma, even though she pays you to care for her. She pays you to do certain chores and things for her, but you say you're unclear as to what they are, exactly. Now is a good time to sit down with grandma and your uncle the 'manager' and write out a detailed job description; what duties you are expected to perform, so you'll know for CERTAIN, once and for all. In reality, grandma IS your 'boss' because she pays you a salary. That said, she should also have some rules to abide by if she wants to keep you as her 'employee'. She should treat you with respect and decency at all times. It's sad that such things need to be outlined for her, but it sounds as if they do.

You have trouble asserting yourself with this woman b/c she's pushy and due to the type of relationship you've always had with her. Which sounds to me like she's difficult, a 'my way or the highway' sort of person who has always intimidated you. If so, I can understand your hesitancy in pushing back with her. But you have to learn how to assert yourself in a positive way in life, whether it's with your family members or a boss at an outside job, a teacher, a lover, whomever. May as well get some practice in NOW, with grandma! What's the worst that can happen, she fires you? :)

When she asks you for a brown napkin instead of a white one, or to use a certain knife to cut her food, it's just a power play. It makes no difference what color napkin she uses or which knife cuts her food, let's face it. It's the last bit of control she has left in her life and she's exerting it where she can. Pick your battles. Push back on the things that bug you the most, and let the rest of the nonsense go, that's my suggestion. Tell her I love you gram, but I expect you treat me with respect, so I'm leaving your presence when you treat me poorly. And then DO IT. I'll betcha she will gain a whole new level of respect for you for standing up for yourself! Try it!

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this; setting down some boundaries and learning what the rules of your job are. And, if you don't like them, QUIT. Let grandma use the agency exclusively for her caregivers from now on, and you go get a job of your own that you CHOOSE. You can do this g/f! You're worth it and you deserve to be treated well.

So, here's a suggestion.

Sit down, notebook and pencil in hand with gma tomorrow.

"GRANDMA, I feel like we are working at cross-purposes here. I want to do a good job and develop some skills that I can use in the workforce. You NEVER seem pleased with my work. Can you tell me 3 things that you'd like me to change about how I do things?"

You need some goals that are SMART--that stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely. Look that up and you'll get a good framework for how to write 3 SMART goals with her.

It can't be "you never..." It needs to be something like, on Mondays from 3-4 you will serve me tea using the proper utensils. She needs to spend some time telling you which are the proper spoons, linens and showing you how she wants it done.

"On Tuesdays from 1-2, you will dust the living room and vacuum, in that order, using a feather duster on the curio cabinet and a rag and furniture polish on all other surfaces."

Engage with her over this (if this is a job you want to keep). What did you study in school?

I'm having a hard time wondering why you would even give her 3 hours of your time. She must be paying you fantanstically! Do you have another job? Are you in school? 23 is a full grown person--not a teenager trying to flail through life.

If you 'enjoy' elder care, get the proper training and go at it like the career it is!

And drop Granny as a client. If you cannot stand up to her--then nothing will ever change. But you know that.

AS for your question as to whether this is normal or not: the one rule of elder caregiving is that NOTHING is 'off the table'. Granny is bad, possibly, but we've all seen worse.

Maddy, are SS and FICA being withheld?

Is this going to be your career?

If not, this is a dead end.

Why do you think you can't tell your nasty gma to "stuff it"?

Are you dependent upon her for financial support?

How did you end up caring for her? Are you being paid?

Demeaning behavior should not be tolerated in any job. Make a plan to leave. She needs to hire different help.

She is being a Senior Brat. And you know who Senior Brats tend to target even more than their own children? Their grandchildren. Because they can get away with it.

You CAN and must say no to her starting now. Oh, you live in her house? Easily remedied by one in their 20s. Starbucks here will pay your health benefits at 20 hours and most customers generously tip. Uber and Lyft even started benefit programs for their people and will provide a vehicle. So on.

People make it all the time in these situations.

Bottom line, she needs you more than you need her. You can always leave. She has a whole generation of people who are in her will, whereas for grands it’s always more nebulous.

She, and possibly your own parents, need to be reminded of their own responsibilities.

Maddy, what are your career aspirations? Have you been to college/uni?

What do you do with the rest of your time?

The question in my mind is, is Gma doing you a favor? Are you unemployable in some way due to disability?

Or does she just THINK she's doing you a favor?

Where are your parents?

So grandmom can't walk but she can use her hands to fold clothes and towels that are hers. Its called disabling when they can do and you do it for them.

Since there are other caregivers, I guess u don't bathe her. Look up Homehealth aide and CNA duties. HHA tend to do some light housekeeping, get lunch. Duties are similar but a CNA is more hands on. Your only there 3 hrs. I think I may just let it roll off my back. What I would not tolerate is putting you down. Next time she says refold the towels hand them to her and tell her to show exactly how she wants it done. Next time u do it her way and she complains, tell her you r doing it the way she showed you. Video it to prove it. Or, fold things away from her then put them away. Or, hand them to her and say "grandmom you are capable of doing this yourself and should because seems I never do it right."

maddylovex, I view it as "teachable moment".

Since your Grandmother pays you, she is your employer. I would quickly learn how my employer would want things done, so I don't wind up having to do things over and over again.

Also one needs to realize that at 87 years old Grandmother is unable to do things that she use to do when she was your age. She can't get into the car and drive over to see her friends. Plus her friends either have moved away or have passed away. Since Grandfather is not in the picture, chances are she lost the love of her life. Life isn't easy for her, either.

So give Grandmother some breathing room to complain. And try to find a common interest with her. Maybe you start doing a family tree. Bet your Grandmother would love giving you information that you need. Just a thought.

Maddie, as someone with a spouse working in (high end) senior care, I’m telling you that this place won’t abuse you like grandma is. They are dying for people like you to just work your 8, get your 90 percent employee Kaiser, and so forth. Most of the residents are rich and many feel real bad they’re not allowed to tip, and what do the most functional of them do? Raise actual money by selling seeds and having bake sales to help pay for college. There is not one person there who has been turned down in fact.

There is generally a lot of goodwill and opportunities for ppl in their 20s that diminishes maybe every five years. You are at your peak age where ppl want to help. Grams can be her narc self with whomever will put up with her. It doesn’t have to be you.