Gatekeeper: How do you encourage family to engage, but keep it light?

Your mother is on hospice in a SNF with advanced Alzheimer's and your family members are asking her when she's GOING HOME? I'd be livid and calling each one of them on the phone immediately for a Come To Jesus meeting! It's not hard to explain to these people that your mother is terminal, with advanced Alzheimer's, COPD & CHF and on hospice care with less than 6 months to live. Her cognizance is severely compromised and the ONLY things they should be talking to her about is happy memories and what dessert she's having for lunch! She's not going home, except to be with God, so there will be no more questions of any kind asked of her or you'll have to block their numbers on her phone. Kapish? You have plenty of control in this situation!

I had to make a few of those calls myself to the "well meaning" relatives who caused my mother nothing but upset when she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living with advanced dementia. These people's ignorance is no excuse for upsetting our mother's and then WE are left to clean up the fallout and the extra tears they cause! I did whatever I had to do to help mom and I didn't care about stepping on anyone's toes because NONE of these family members did ONE single thing to help me. So I'd be damned if I'd sit by and watch them do things to HURT me or mom, nope.

The last thing the elders need is agitation to add to their issues, that's for sure. The goal with dementia and Alzheimer's is to keep them calm at all costs, especially when hospice is on board. That's the message to anyone who wants to call, or their number will be blocked. Don't encourage calls from people who are too dense to understand the situation or who think you are keeping them in the dark 🙄

I'm sorry you're going thru such a stressful time with your mom now. I pray that you have the strength to push out all the noise in your lives right now so you can focus only on what's important. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and guidance thru this end of life journey.

Maybe ask the Hospice nurses for advice.

Ask for any hand out handout/brochure that is suitable to share via email with extended family members that are struggling to understand.

The aim will be a little education for them.

I get that you care deeply & wish to spare Mom awkward conversations, but you can't control what they ask or talk about with Mom of course. Offer a little education + a little advice to be light as you said, then let it go. (As some folk will stay in ignorance/denial no matter what evidence is before them). You will need your energy for bigger things.

Strength to you for the road ahead.

Assuming that you’re POA, you may be able to work through administrative channels and limit visits/phone calls to those you feel are most “understanding”

Your job is to establish and maintain Mom’s SAFETY AND COMFORT, not to be the family geriatric educator.

If ignorant/naive family become a challenge to her discomfort and actually “agitate”, either the Hospice manager or the facility management (or both), may be willing to “guard the door”.

It’s doubtful that if “loving family” haven’t picked up on your previous suggestions, they’ll be dissuaded by being “educated”.

YOU have NO REASONS to be concerned about what others think. Assume your justifiable role in the driver’s seat and stay there. She needs calm interactions dictated by the person who knows her best.

She’s lucky to have you.

Your Mom is able to pick up a phone? Does she need one in her room? If no to both questions, then get rid of it. And POA or not, I would limit her visitation not allowing those who upset her. Then let them call you and you say sorry, but it seems your visits upset Mom and the last thing she needs is to be upset. Then explain that she is not coming home and Hospice means end of life.

I read this and thanked God he took my one Aunt before my Mom passed. I could just seeing her doing this stuff and when something said to her getting indignant. These type of people can not be emailed. You have to be blunt because they have no idea how to read between the lines.

Asking someone who is in Hospice "When are you going home?" Is insane. As is asking someone with advanced Alzheimers, complicated questions.
Have you explained that Mom is dying?? Do they not know what hospice is?
Have you explained that alzheimers is brain damage and not merely "forgetfulness"?
Hit them with HARD and BRUTAL truths to stop them from being HARD and BRUTAL to your Mom.
I am sorry you are going through this.

Might tell family - "Nobody knows how long he or she has.." "Let's focus on 'now' and being loving together... and I will answer any questions after your visit together."

Be open about her condition and be specific. "Hi My Mom has Alzheimers and needs to be in a nursing home indefinitely. I appreciate you calling to keep her spirits up and she love to hear from you. She is very happy and adjusted, but please avoid questions as to her diagnosis and when she is coming home because they upset and confuse her. If you want to know anything about her health conditions, don't hesitate to ask ME".

One of the biggest fears we have as adult children is losing a parent. I would suggest you, as the main caregiver, ask them what they’d like to ask so that the parent “knows how to answer” then you discreetly answer their question.
Then they can ask less direct questions. I haven’t read any other comments but will tell you this. When my mom started getting dementia my brother told me never to say that word again, he was angry. He finally came around and I know his anger came from fear. Please be patient with your sibs, it’ll take each o them their own time to come around to understanding.
love and light
you are doing a great job and I know how hard it is

CassWall: Quite shockingly, these family members have zero grasp on the disease of Alzheimer's. To ask her when she is going home is absurd. You could suggest to these family members that they read the book, "The 36 Hour Day" or any other numerous publications on the disease.

Maybe if you tell them if they have any questions about your mothers health to just ask you. And not to approach your mother with this as it upsets her.