Feeling guilty all the time. Any advice?

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TMP1964 Asked August 2022

Feeling guilty all the time. Any advice?

I lose it with my mom. I am 57, We care for a 39 y.o man with down syndrome who is non verbal and deaf, We care for my 3 and 4 y.o. grandchildren most of the time and my 83 y.o. mother lives in an in-law we built on our house with the sale from my parents home. My dad died in 2017. My mom seems to have increasing attention seeking behavior such as selective memory loss and not having a clue about anything. I put my ear to the door and hear her having completely normal conversation on the phone with her friends. She calls my sister and will feign being terribly ill when she is not. We recently got covid and she would not stay out of our house although I got so upset with her for trying to get it which she succeeded in. Luckily not a severe case. I have lost it with her so many times and feel so guilty when I do. She was a good mom for the most part and seems to be able to turn her dumb blonde act on and off at will. She is still relatively independent other than my providing some meals so she will eat better and filling her pills. I just took them from her this morning actually. Just looking for some tools for my toolbelt to deal with this more graciously.

Family Caregiver Guilt Multi-generational Living Relationships

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score 0 · Answer 1

You have a lot on!

Maybe you thrive on busy.. Absolutley love running this caring multi-gen household you're in! Great! But everyone needs some down time, right?

Q1. What does your day/s off look like? Is it enough to fully recharge? To fill your 'tank' again before giving out all week.

Q2. Was Mom also a caregiver for the man you care for?
But now Mom has moved/is moving from 'Caregiver' to 'Care Recipient'?
So effectively you are now very outnumbered.

*Time to re-evaluate the whole plan*.

Need more in your team. More 'boots on the ground'.

Either OUTside your home;
- Kids to daycare.
- Young man to appropriate social day group.
- Mom to senior centre.

Or if that is all too hard to find - INside your home;

Arrange 2 aides to come to your place instead a set day a week. Train them up & take a regular respite day off.

You are amazing. But still ONE person. Unless you can sprout some more arms... hire some 😊

Thoughts??

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I do have a wonderful husband who helps with grandkids and individual we care for. He encourages me to take off with my friend for day trips, walks etc. I think my reactiveness to my mom stems from knowing she is deliberately trying to hurt me when all I ever do is try to make her happy. I feel very babyish to say that. She has some friends and goes to church and to the park to read . I give her as much attention as I can. But I guess it just isnt enough. We take our grandchildren because they are in a very bad situation with their mother. My granddaughter was molested last Christmas at 3 y.o. while with her mother. Nothing was ever done by cps or police. My son is not even in their life. So we try to keep them as much as possible. My mother knows all we have on our plate. I dont understand why she feels the need to add so much unnecessary stress on top of it.

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score 1 · Answer 2

Your mother seems bored and in need of things to occupy her time. Is there a senior center where she can go a few hours a day? That will get her out of the house and meet with people her age to socialize.

Are there things/hobbies she can still do independently to keep her out of your hair?

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She does do things when she decides to get off the pity pot. She has friends, goes to the park to read, goes to church, the store etc.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Spend more time with your grandchildren, less time with your mother.
Leave the room before you blow up.
Count to 100 before you reply to anything your mother says to you.
Remove some stress from your plate by relinquishing some caregiver duties. It's too much!
Take time for yourself every day where you're caring for NOBODY.

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score 0 · Answer 4

One person with Downs syndrome seems like more than enough to deal with. If dementia rears its ugly head with your mother, look out.

Also, everyone's capacity is different for different reasons. There isn't a rule book that says, "you are by yourself, you can handle X, you have a brother and sister, for you it's Y, your Significant Other, well, that adds Z".

Regular life can be a load, doubly so in a bad situation. In other words, don't feel bad, it happens.

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score 0 · Answer 5

You have too much on your plate. You’re struggling to be too much to too many. The best thing would be to get rid of some of the responsibility. Maybe it’s the care of the grandkids that needs to go. Their parents could find other arrangements. As for your mother, she will get worse, not better. I hope you’ll plan accordingly, and good luck. It’s up to you to make it better for yourself.

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score 0 · Answer 6

As it was explained to me: Guilt is when your expectations of yourself and your behavior don't match. So . . . the remedy is to change your expectation of yourself or change the behavior. My guess is you want to change the behavior, but maybe you should give yourself some slack as well. Most of us can only handle so much stress. Maybe you could ask your mom what she needs. Maybe if she is just seeking attention, schedule a time to visit with her each day, so she has something to look forward to - tea? lemonade? a walk? a card game?

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score 0 · Answer 7

One person with Downs syndrome seems like more than enough to deal with. If dementia rears its ugly head with your mother, look out.

Also, everyone's capacity is different for different reasons. There isn't a rule book that says, "you are by yourself, you can handle X, you have a brother and sister, for you it's Y, you Significant Other, well, that adds Z".

Regular life can be a load, doubly so in a bad situation. In other words, don't feel bad, it happens.

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score 2 · Answer 8

One person with Downs syndrome seems like more than enough to deal with. If dementia rears its ugly head with your mother, look out.

Also, everyone's capacity is different for different reasons. There isn't a rule book that says, "you are by yourself, you can handle X, you have a brother and sister, for you it's Y, you Significant Other, well, that adds Z".

Regular life can be a load, doubly so in a bad situation. In other words, don't feel bad, it happens.

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Feeling guilty all the time. Any advice?

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