My 93 yr. old mother is refusing help. Any advice?

My mother does the same thing. My Dad is recovering from a knee injury and is in a wheelchair. He wants to hire housekeepers to come in every couple of weeks but she will not do it. Doesn’t want anyone in the house. I don’t understand it at all. Also won’t hire caregivers to help my Dad. She lets the Medicare people come in so wondering if she just won’t spend the money. They have it but she won’t spend a dime. It is really frustrating for me and my Dad.

My mother didn't want anyone coming in, either. She didn't ask and I didn't offer to do her cleaning and cooking. I set strict boundaries on the chauffering around I did. She finally accepted a housecleaner, who came in every couple of weeks (and I think she drove them crazy, as they said they only needed to come once a month). She mostly subsisted on Lean Cuisine (with toast for breakfast with some fruit, maybe a sandwich with fruit for lunch, one (very large) mug of coffee in the morning and tea the rest of the day. This was her choice, as she rigidly controlled her diet. I sometimes took over extras from whatever we were having, if it was on her "allowed" list of foods, and I did make her cookies occasionally, lest anyone think I was horrible.

Be very very careful, as the person she does allow into the house is YOU. Beware mission creep. You say you visit, provide medical appt. transportation, and "help out." What does "help out" mean? Are you already doing cooking and cleaning?

What's the plan as she further declines? My mother happily looked at ALs, but then insisted she wasn't ready, but that AL might be okay for "someday." (This was when she was 90, 91, 92...)

She ended up skipping the AL step entirely, when she was hospitalized with a gallbladder infection for 17 days, then on to rehab which became her LTC placement. Her mental state deteriorated upon entry to the hospital, and she needed someone with her all the time after that (plus, she had a permanent gallbladder drainage bag). She died not quite 6 months after being hospitalized with the infected gallbladder, at almost 93 years old.

All knew that I I would NOT become her fulltime life-in caregiver. She'd said for years that she could never live with me. Is there a question hovering in your situation that YOU will eventually be the one to take fulltime care of your mother?

I have thoracic back pain, and cooking and cleaning are also likely to make it come on. I have gone through the tasks and the movements to work out which ones are not good, and which ones I can do without repercussions. For example, I can’t cut up hard vegetables like pumpkin, can’t lift heavy things out of the oven, can’t vacuum, absolutely can’t clean windows. My washing up bowl sits on two upturned icecream tubs in the sink, to get it to the easiest height. I avoid the other tasks, or group them and DH does them as a quick batch.

It might help your mother to go through that process too. If she can find some things that are OK, and other things to delegate to someone (you? Cleaner? Carer?), it might help her to feel more in control of ‘her house’ and ‘her role’. It would drive me around the twist to be completely useless, and your mother might feel the same way. Sometimes it’s not just about ‘anyone in the house’, it’s about yourself.

"I don't want anyone in the house."

Who ever does?

Until robots become our reality, I suppose Mother will need to choose the least worst choice for her - from real world options.

You may add to it but here is my real world choice list;

- continue to clean/cook & put up with back pain
- continue to clean/cook, with more pain medication
- get meals delivered & go without housecleaning
- hire a cleaner/cook assist person, as a trial
- go without meals or cleaning

My LO's list got to the point of;
- accept falls alarm & EMS for fall pickup or
- live on the floor

I hope your Mother is not so stubborn!

Julie, welcome!

I think many elders, with or without any cognitive decline, feel and ARE vulnerable. When my mom got the point where she couldn't effectively clean any longer, we hired a crew of ladies who were related to the woman who cleaned for my sister in law. One of us stayed with mom while they cleaned, checked that things were done properly and handled the cash transaction at the end of the day.

Do you think your mom would be comfortable with that sort of experience?