My husband and I have been together since January of 2021, and married in March of this year. Two months after we married, my mother-in-law sent her mother-in-law (my husband's paternal grandma) to live with us after my MIL couldn't handle the responsibility anymore. My husband's father had passed away suddenly from COVID last year; prior than that, he and my MIL had cared for his mother. But now that he was gone, my MIL was burned to a crisp, and called my husband one morning, begging him to come get his grandma.
Grandma's been with us for three months now, and my husband works from home so he can serve as her primary caregiver. His grandma's on hospice care, though it doesn't seem like she'll be passing on anytime soon. A fall a few weeks ago had rendered her completely bedridden, and she now requires assistance with diapering (for some reason, the hospice nurses cannot insert a catheter into her).
My husband began showing signs of paranoid delusions after his father died; I attributed it to his drinking, and asked him to stop. He did, and his mental state seemed to improve.
But now, the paranoid delusions have returned, and are becoming a daily struggle. My husband believes that people all over town are conspiring against him (to poison him, to lock him in jail, etc), and that even his own family members are after him (that his mom sends people to "spy" on him, etc). He also believes that the television, YouTube videos, and even book covers are communicating with him. We've had many fights after he's expressed to me that he thinks I'm sending him secret messages when I talk, or slipping "digs" at him between sentences (which I haven't). I've begged him to get help, but as is the case with many paranoid folks, he has zero trust for mental health professionals.
I'm frankly exhausted and terrified at what the future holds. I know grandma needs to go somewhere else ASAP, but my husband is loyal-to-a-fault and has an iron-clad duty to care for his granny, and not "Dump her in a home" where "They'll probably kill her anyway."
I decided that if he doesn't move her to assisted living, I will, but the social worker informed me that I might not have the legal ability to, since he has POA but I do not.
It seems that the only thing I have left to do is to give my husband an ultimatum, which breaks my heart, as he is still the love of my life.
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He does need help before this gets worse.
Do you feel safe being in the home with him?
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And grandma needs to be removed from your home ASAP like yesterday. This stress is going to kill him or cause a permanemt psychotic break he may never recover from. Good luck to your husband and you.
Husband needs a full physical. It may just be a matter of a med helping him.
So soon after your wedding, there have been some happy times and you still feel that he is ‘the love of your life’. I remember many happy times with my first husband when we were young and relatively care-free, and the love I can find for him is still there after his death. But things changed, and it was not happy in the longer run. Getting out of it was what enabled me to remember the good times after the pain passed.
If your new husband has growing mental health issues, and is putting his mother and grandmother’s interests before yours so soon, you need to think about the longer term. In the meantime, try to keep your finances and belongings separate, just in case the problems can’t be resolved. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret.
My husband's brother was not having it, though, and insisted that he take care of grandma rather than have my MIL "dump her in a home." That arrangement lasted two months, until grandma fell, had a blood clot in her brain, and had to be hospitalized for two weeks, then admitted to a skilled nursing home for another two weeks. After that, my MIL resolved to let granny come back home with her, assuming that granny would be passing on soon. That arrangement lasted two weeks, until my mother-in-law couldn't take it anymore (grandma was soiling herself, refusing to wear a diaper, and being combative); that was when my MIL made that fateful call to my husband.
You cannot place his grandmother in managed care if you don't hold the POA for her, I'm certain of that. He would have to make that decision and with the attitude he holds about 'dumping her in a home where they'll probably kill her anyway', that seems highly unlikely. You are facing a situation where you may be in way over your head, unfortunately.
You can certainly give your DH an ultimatum, but if he's not functioning properly mentally to begin with, he may not give you the result you seek. Then what? What is your next move? Be prepared to move out or do what you say you'll do if he doesn't place grandma, and then also tell him he MUST get seen by his doctor for a full medical and cognitive workup right away. You HAVE to know what you're dealing with here......it's imperative, in my opinion. If you are going to be faced with being his caregiver as well as grandma's, you'd better know what lies ahead. Go into this with your eyes wide open.
God bless you and give you the strength & courage you need to deal with whatever lies ahead. Best of luck.
Thank you for being straight up with me, though, even if it's not the answer I want to hear.
You need to talk to the SW again and let them know that your husband's erratic behaviours is a safety concern to you and for his Granny. Be very clear that the situation is not SAFE.
I know getting emergency psychiatric care for a family member is very hard can take multiple professionals involvement to get him the care he needs. It took 3 weeks to get my son hospitalized in 2021. In the mean time his delusions were terrifying for him and the rest of the family.