This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.
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My father relied on me to take him places after his lung cancer surgery.
He earned one last check, and split it 3 ways for us siblings, leaving one check for himself.
I was a bit resentful that siblings received a "gift" from Dad and my "gift" covered my own expenses taking care of Dad.
On the night of Dad's death, my brother appeared as we got home to tell me he had died in the ER. He said to give him the outstanding check in Dad's name, and he would cash it.
Brother not only stole the check for himself, my husband and I had to pay the funeral expenses. The amounts are not important.
Before arriving home, my husband and I were at that same hospital with his sister, who had made a suicide attempt. Not knowing my Dad was about to die in the ER.
Today, it is as it always has been. I cannot be in the presence of "family" without it costing me somehow. Estranged and careful.
There was no other "inheritance" except Dad's legacy to my two siblings: The Con. The scam. The lies.
I did not receive those genes, being the middle child and scapegoat, confirmed by my psychiatrist at the time.
I have gone NO Contact with siblings.
awful.
as for:
“I have gone NO Contact with siblings.”
totally understand you. hug!
i’ve done the same. but every now and then, i must communicate with them. for example today. and as a consequence i had an awful day: they behaved terribly.
i send hugs to all of us, unfairly treated in one way or other.
protect your life.
and take some luck with you too:
here:
i’m depositing some luck right here:
🍀🍀🍀🙂🙂🙂
I believe an inheritance is a gift and not an entitlement. So putting the compensation for the care as part of the inheritance makes it an entitlement and that isn't the best plan. Being paid to provide services, as they are needed, keeps inheritance as a gift and usually stops parents from taking advantage of their caring off-spring.
I, also, believe that parents SHOULD NOT place or expect the burden of care to be on any of their adult children. They SHOULD pay for the help they need and make plans for their 24/7 care, if it comes to that.
i knew a family that was 2 daughters and 2 sons. When the parents got old w dementia and other issues the daughters practically worked themselves to a nub taking care of the parents, taking turns staying with them round the clock, taking to dr appts, cooking, bathing, changing adult diapers, getting up and down all night etc., spending MUCH time away from their own families. This went on for YEARS.
The sons visited occasionally, but were busy w their own families, couldn’t be bothered. The elderly mother died first.
The contents of the will were unknown and all the property was in the father’s name. He died about a year after the mother.
This family owned 2 large farms worth $hundreds of thousands of dollars which each parent had inherited from their own parents. When the will was read, the SONS each received one farm, with the unenforceable understanding that they would farm it. They also received a lot if money. Each Daughter received $10,000!
Each son immediately sold their inherited farm and gave not one dime to the daughters who had done all of the work!
God Bless all caregivers who gave and sacrificed beyond earthly meanings...
Putting it off and calling it an inheritance leaves so much room for something to go wrong:
The care recipient promises and intends to leave an extra inheritance but fails to follow through, assuming there is plenty of time, and then it is too late.
The presumed inheritance is all gone because of end of life expenses when care became too much for one caregiver to handle (e.g., Medicaid spend down).
If extra inheritance makes it to the caregiver as an inheritance, the other assumed heirs resent it and it builds into a schism.
The caregiver child has to deal with their grief, the loss of their routine, and the resentment of the other assumed heirs all at the same time.
I also believe it is best to distribute photographs and other heirlooms as much as is practical before death, so the recipients can have a chance to get the stories that go with the items.