Any advice on guiding my spouse to use the toilet instead of just standing wherever and urinating?
In the last couple of weeks, especially the last two days, my husband has been standing wherever he is, dropping his pants, and urinating on the floor. Right in front of the bathroom or even in the bathroom.
My husband has been in a MCF for over 2 years with dementia. The last few months he had become a lot worse. He pees in the sink in his room and the waste basket. He sometime poops in the sink and shoves it down the drain. Clogging up the drain. He also pees in the community room in the garbage pail also on the chairs. I've caught him peeing on the chair. He doesn't understand and he just looks @ me with a blank stare. So I know how you feels. When I was taking care of him @ home he pooped all over the house, he stepped in, smeared the walls with it and I just couldn't control it. I just about cried myself sick. I had to admit him to a MCF if I wanted to stay sane. It was a very sad day for me. I visit him every day and give him a shower every other day. He needs it and the facility does not shower them every other day. There are just too many residents to take care of. Blessing to the people who work in those facilities they have a hard job. I'm so very sorry for you to have to go through this. I know how you feel. I think a diaper would help somewhat. You may want to start looking @ a MCF for your husband. It will be very sad for you, but you have to think about yourself to keep you healthy and sane for him. This will be a tough journey for you. Wishing you peace and lots of support. Sending you prayers and lots of hugs.
Dustyoldangel: Your dear husband, Terry requires toileting assistance as he unfortunately suffers from dementia. He may need to wear a protective pad or Depends. I don't know if that may help him, but it's worth a try. You may have to consider managed care facility living when his needs outweigh your physical and emotional stamina.
This is hard to deal with. My husband has early on set azthimers it started over 10 years ago. he is 75 now. it is a long painful leaning experience. I have ordered a bed alert that goes under his sheets from amazon. it alerts me if he moves or gets up. then I run to the bedroom and take him to the bathroom which he struggle with me to do. But after waking up many times with pee and poop all over the bed, floor house before waking I had to do something. He only goes once in the morning I walk him in and have him sit on the toilet and run the water and listen. I tell him to push so he poops. Its very had. With brushing the teeth. When I get him in the shower with a struggle and wash I will hand him the tooth brush with tooth paste on it and say brush your teeth and demonstrate it. I have to chose my struggle now. Its ok. Your not alone. Its very challenging everyday will be different. just move through and do your best. That's what they do in assistant living! they drug them and make them bed ridden so they don't have to deal with it... they don't love them.one day one hour at a time .Breath Breath your stronger then you think... Its just not the life you expected. But who is to say what life should have been . this is your life. Your a blessing to the person. You will be blessed. hang in there. what ever you learn through this share with others ok? Teri
Terri, I do understand since my husband has Early Onset ALZ that started 10 yrs ago and he is now 68. He will not wear underwear or anything at this time. We have been married 17 yrs and it is very difficult. I appreciate what you said about facilities but not all of us can do this when they are angry and won't accept any help. I do love him but we made a promise to each other when we married that each of us would do what we could for as long as we could then move to a facility. I cannot do that yet but leaning that way as all of this becomes more of a nightmare. Sometimes I believe my love for him would be able to show thru if someone else did all of the 'dirty' work and let me enjoy him so he is not angry 24/7 with me trying to help him. My plan is to share my experiences and to be honest with people...we are always told it is a cognitive and memory issue only. That is so not true! Thank you for sharing....
When dementia advances, the patient does not realize where it's appropriate or inappropriate to urinate or even to defecate. They will tend to do so wherever they are because of being unaware and their damaged brain not working properly. It's just part of the disease process, and an unfortunate one at that.
You need to toilet DH every 2 hours; walk him over to the toilet and instruct him to urinate into the bowl where you've put a Red X. Put him in a pull up Depends in the meantime. Dementia patients cannot follow cues, or really pay attention to Red X's either..............those are more for OUR sake than theirs, truthfully. But the Red X MAY help him for a bit, who knows? The thing is, our reality is not their reality........to us it may make sense to put up notes about what to do, for instance. In their reality, they won't remember to read those notes, so it's a waste of time.
When I worked in a Memory Care ALF in 2019/2020, we had residents who would urinate and defecate on the carpets in the activity room all the time. They'd just pull down their pants, sit down on an upholstered chair or the floor, and do their business. The caregivers were used to it, they'd come along and clean up the mess and sanitize the area, etc. Living with this situation in one's home is a bit different, though. So you may need to look into Memory Care placement for your hubby as things progress.
Dementia is extremely difficult & frustrating to deal with, that's for CERTAIN!
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
Have him use a plastic urinal container by the bed. These are like the ones used in hospitals and can be purchased at a pharmacy or Amazon.I use one and don't go to the bathroom at night. They are inexpensive and can be washed and used over and over.
He may have what my urologist calls “overactive bladder”, but my neurologist thinks it is caused by my spinal stenosis (nerves in spinal cord that control bladder are compressed, causing sphincter muscles for bladder control to malfunction.) I’m leaning strongly towards my neurologist’s diagnosis as most accurate. But in either case, you have absolutely no control… your bladder just lets loose sometimes with a full bladder full. Mine usually lets loose just as I enter my apartment. The only solution is bladder pads with maximum absorbency. I’ve never used Depends, but find Poise #6 absorbency to be the best for me. Also don’t know best option for men since females have a different plumbing system! Good luck! I’m sure your husband is just as or more mortified than you are. Just wanted you to understand it’s most likely not something you can “get him to stop doing”. My advice is - go to a urologist.
Dustyoldangel, have hubby's primary doctor check him for an Urinary Tract Infection. I know for us gals, whenever we get a UTI, it's a mad dash to the bathroom. Could be that hubby isn't getting to the bathroom quick enough since it appears he was heading in the right direction. Just a thought.
I'm so sorry that your husband has this advanced level of dementia at only 65. Early onset dementia is so sad.
Do you have any aides to help with his care? If not, please get some ASAP if your intention is to keep him home as long as possible.
The red Xs on the bathroom floor might help. Also good advice that you will need to monitor him much more to try to hustle him along to the bathroom and the Xs. It may or may not work. He may be too far gone to be able to do this so then you will need to put him in pullups for men. Take away his underwear and only have these pullups available.
You can not be spending so much time toileting and cleaning up pee. It's got to be super stressful. My mom has occasional accidents and I find it really difficult to deal with.
I don't have urinals in my house, so no one stands to pee here.
Your husband may now need to be in diapers so you can at least try to get him to the toilet before he lets fly, and if he doesn't make it, you've got the diaper to catch it.
When he gets up to go to the bathroom go with him and monitor what he is doing. He is going to begin to need more help in the bathroom and you want to be aware of when it gets to that point. I placed 2 red X's on the bathroom floor where I wanted my Husband to place his feet. It worked!
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He also pees in the community room in the garbage pail also on the chairs. I've caught him peeing on the chair. He doesn't understand and he just looks @ me with a blank stare. So I know how you feels. When I was taking care of him @ home he pooped all over the house, he stepped in, smeared the walls with it and I just couldn't control it. I just about cried myself sick. I had to admit him to a MCF if I wanted to stay sane. It was a very sad day for me. I visit him every day and give him a shower every other day. He needs it and the facility does not shower them every other day. There are just too many residents to take care of. Blessing to the people who work in those facilities they have a hard job.
I'm so very sorry for you to have to go through this. I know how you feel.
I think a diaper would help somewhat. You may want to start looking @ a MCF for your husband. It will be very sad for you, but you have to think about yourself to keep you healthy and sane for him. This will be a tough journey for you. Wishing you peace and lots of support.
Sending you prayers and lots of hugs.
You need to toilet DH every 2 hours; walk him over to the toilet and instruct him to urinate into the bowl where you've put a Red X. Put him in a pull up Depends in the meantime. Dementia patients cannot follow cues, or really pay attention to Red X's either..............those are more for OUR sake than theirs, truthfully. But the Red X MAY help him for a bit, who knows? The thing is, our reality is not their reality........to us it may make sense to put up notes about what to do, for instance. In their reality, they won't remember to read those notes, so it's a waste of time.
When I worked in a Memory Care ALF in 2019/2020, we had residents who would urinate and defecate on the carpets in the activity room all the time. They'd just pull down their pants, sit down on an upholstered chair or the floor, and do their business. The caregivers were used to it, they'd come along and clean up the mess and sanitize the area, etc. Living with this situation in one's home is a bit different, though. So you may need to look into Memory Care placement for your hubby as things progress.
Dementia is extremely difficult & frustrating to deal with, that's for CERTAIN!
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I’m leaning strongly towards my neurologist’s diagnosis as most accurate. But in either case, you have absolutely no control… your bladder just lets loose sometimes with a full bladder full. Mine usually lets loose just as I enter my apartment. The only solution is bladder pads with maximum absorbency. I’ve never used Depends, but find Poise #6 absorbency to be the best for me. Also don’t know best option for men since females have a different plumbing system!
Good luck! I’m sure your husband is just as or more mortified than you are. Just wanted you to understand it’s most likely not something you can “get him to stop doing”.
My advice is - go to a urologist.
Do you have any aides to help with his care? If not, please get some ASAP if your intention is to keep him home as long as possible.
The red Xs on the bathroom floor might help. Also good advice that you will need to monitor him much more to try to hustle him along to the bathroom and the Xs. It may or may not work. He may be too far gone to be able to do this so then you will need to put him in pullups for men. Take away his underwear and only have these pullups available.
You can not be spending so much time toileting and cleaning up pee. It's got to be super stressful. My mom has occasional accidents and I find it really difficult to deal with.
Good luck.
Your husband may now need to be in diapers so you can at least try to get him to the toilet before he lets fly, and if he doesn't make it, you've got the diaper to catch it.
He is going to begin to need more help in the bathroom and you want to be aware of when it gets to that point.
I placed 2 red X's on the bathroom floor where I wanted my Husband to place his feet. It worked!