How do I start the conversation with my mother about AL and respite?

You need to go on this cruise and she needs to go to the AL.

You may want to take her to the one you plan on placing her. Have lunch or dinner there. This way she will see an AL is not a Rehab. I would be firm that you are going on the cruise and she will be going to the AL for the time you are gone. Tell her you love her but you need this time for yourself.

I was going to a nieces wedding 8 hours away. She had it at a resort. My Mom was in her mid to late stage of Dementia living with me for almost 2 yrs. Taking her to this wedding was not even considered. I needed this time away. So I went to an AL up the street to find out if they did respite care. They did and...were having a half off sale on room and board. With her care included, I could keep her there a year with hopes the house would sell for a second year. So instead of respite I moved her in. She adapted well and had more freedom than in my split level house. So, ur Mom may find out that she likes the place and stay.

You need to do this for yourself. I would place Mom a couple of Days before the cruise so u can pack and a couple of days after the cruise to rest up. If the cruise is a week, keep Mom at the AL for 2 weeks. Give yourself the break you need.

She won't die by giving AL 7-8K per month, she is gaslighting you. Also, it is up to you to plan for your future, the money she has is to be used for her.

My mother is 97, lived on her own until she was 94, in the mountains of NC, you had to be a billy goat to get inside of her house. For 10 years my brother & I tried to get her to move to Fl and AL, nope.

She had a slight stroke became afraid to stay alone at night, we gave her an ultimatum, we finally had her where we needed her to be.

Scooped her up, placed her in AL near us. She loves it, has friends her own age, lots of activities, she even teaches chair exercises, she is a big gun there! Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago!" Geesh!

Take your vacation, give her no option, time for you to take your life back, she is being selfish, and you are self-imposing guilt on yourself for no reason. You are imaging what will happen creating thoughts that are perceived, not confirmed.

Don't ask -- TELL -- Mom that you're going on vacation. TELL her you've arranged for her to go to the AL during that time, and TELL her she'll be fine.

This will also help get her acclimated to having help from others, too, so once you get back you can hire in-house assistance if you want.

Well, at age 98 if she has been saving for a rainy day--hon, it's pouring right now!

It sounds as if you have good relationship with her, open and honest. That's a start. Simply talk to her as you did in your post and explain that you love her, but you really, really need a break. Talk to her about the time frame (are you thinking about making the AL a permanent thing?) and move forward.

Tell her you want her to spend her money on herself, not you.

And--NO GUILT. Guilt is for when you've done something wrong and you haven't and aren't going to!

She is weaponizing suicide. That cannot be allowed. You have gone 10 years without a break. Obviously you need one.

Tell her this is the best option. You’ll come get her after, after which she can resume being a burden to you. The other choice is that she is moved in permanently.

You will just have to be assertive and tell her what's going to happen. Yes, she will not like it and may have separation anxiety. But YOU deserve to have a life too so take a deep breath and DO IT.

DO not tell her in advance. I would tell her the day before as you help her pack her bags. Telling my mom anything earlier just leads to more and more questions, etc.

Tell her very clearly that you do not want her money. You need your life now and not waiting until something happens like another fall or her death.

We had a situation where we had to leave my mom. I told her I was going with my husband and that I needed to find her a safe place to stay until we got back. She wanted a in home caregiver but I told her that wasn’t as safe and private and I needed to have peace of mind. The price of the in home help was greater than a facility. I made appointments at a few places and mom started to resist. I got upset and told her that she was breaking my heart if she was asking me to choose between her and my husband. My husband came in and asked her to please agree because he loves me and wants to take me on this special trip. My mom agreed and we set up the appointments. The first one was a 1 bedroom and had great ratings. Mom was so impressed and kept saying this was not what she expected. She moved right in (seize the moment). Because she is not social, I got a “friend” (visiting angel) to get her acclimated and show her around and get her in the social scene that she liked (music, animals). After 6 weeks, she was all in! She didn’t want to leave because it was so nice to have independence and her privacy. Now, I will admit living with me probably wasn’t that easy. i had her on a schedule that sometimes went well and other times didn’t because she resisted eating or drinking enough. We are a praying family and my husband and i prayed for mom to receive this if it was His will for her and us. I was so happy she changed her mind to stay and now she has been there 2 years. There are tax breaks for her if she itemizes even though she is self-pay. The facility will evaluate her and if she is unable to do ADL’s (3 min) that care will be deductible (keep up on the IRS rules so you don’t miss this). I know you are starting this as respite but it was less expensive to do this as the typical month to month rental. ALSO, ask the facility “what does mom have to do to get kicked out?” Ask, what happens if mom refuses the services you are paying for?”, ask what is their communication to the responsible party. I have a durable POA and am her Health Care Surrogate for mom. I finally ended up getting mom private care a few days a week to help her with showers, lotions and hair fixing. She bonded with the caregiver and it was quality care for 4 hours at a time. The facility care wasn’t cutting it and I was saving money with the private caregiver. The facility dispenses her medications. She loves the food, the ladies she sits with during meals and her private apartment. I am now her daughter and advocate and she is in the village of care that works. I take her to dental, derm and eye appointments and her doctor goes to that facility. (Check to see if her doctor is a doc to a facility). Mom’s place is not expensive and I am okay with that because the private care adds up but getting her room/board/medication at a less expensive price was agreeable to her (she wanted to know) and she never knew the private care was more. I handle all of her bills and it has been doable and a blessing. It is hard at the beginning but moving forward is the only way you can get the space you need and the space your mom didn’t know she needed. I did get her a Alexa Show so I can drop in and she can call me and we talk face to face. I call her daily but only see her weekly.

Your mother says, "it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to" you.

Well, that IS giving the money to you, in a way. It gives YOU the ability to have some peace.

Would you hesitate to leave your children with a babysitter so you could go out with your husband? I am guessing the answer would be "no". So do not guilt yourself over sending Mom to respite care. You want to honor her by providing the best care possible. Sometimes that means letting go and having others help.

I’ve been touring nursing homes for my mother recently. At one of them, they told me that one of their clients stays there for a month every summer when her family goes away. She happens to love it!

It seems like your Mom needs more than AL.

I would look into NH respite stay for your vacation.

However, it seems like she needs a lot more care/help long-term, more than what an AL will provide. I would think about whether you can continue doing what you’re doing in house. Her needs aren’t the only ones that should be taken into consideration.