My stepmom (76) is the caregiver for my father (89) who has Alzheimer’s. My stepmom’s at the end of her rope. She’s angry at almost everyone, but especially me. We’ve never had a great relationship, but her dislike for me has never been this blatant. They live out of state, and I used to visit them 2-3 times a year. She’s made it quite clear I’m not welcome to stay there anymore. I could get a hotel and I don’t think she’d refuse my seeing him, but I’m pretty sure she would want me to take him out somewhere. Generally, my stepmom is not a warm person and even though she takes care of him, she seldom speaks kindly to him. I know she wants some of her own time at home with him away, but I don’t feel confident knowing what to do as a caregiver in that situation. It’s confusing and frightening for my dad. I’ve taken him before for walks in his wheelchair, but at the drop of a dime he’s ready to go home or is wondering who I am. He gets nervous out in the world. She needs to get more regular in-home care for my dad so she can have more breaks but the flip side of that means that she always has to leave the house and she’s running out of things to do. She’s against sending him to permanent assisted living due to expense for quality care. We’ve all offered ideas, but she shuts them down. I miss my dad. Phone calls are a struggle. FaceTime is better but she walks away after we’re connected and he becomes confused on how to do it. My stepmom needs help and direction, but is too mad to listen or talk to anyone about any of it. I was there last Thanksgiving and she was a complete wreck, and stated she couldn’t wait for the weekend to be over. I spent time trying to help her with various things she needed done, but she just made one rude remark after another toward me. Her 2 daughters and their families, were there the following Christmas, which she was looking forward to but it ended badly. I don’t know the details but since then she’s been more isolated. I don’t know what I’ve done to anger her but think most of it stems from her feelings about me over the years. Our family isn’t intimately close like some families are, but we’re always there for one another and cordial. Interpersonal struggles are usually not talked about. In the past tempers might flare but again nothing is ever discussed. The situation is going from bad to worse. Is there anything to do before it careens into complete devastation? Whatever happens, in the end there’s a trust that will take effect and all of this is only going to further complicate how that’s handled. My dad was the one that kept the relations between my stepmom and the rest of us afloat. Now that he is no longer of sound mind, she seems to have lost hers. I feel for her and it’s not lost on me how much work it is taking care of my dad. Do you have any advice for our situation?
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Your SM should give up his care. A few days away, at this point, is not going to help. She just comes back to caring 24/7. This is no ones fault and no one should feel guilty. What she needs to do is see and Elder Lawyer about splitting assets now. Dads split will go for his care and 3 months before his split runs out your stepmother applies for Medicaid with the Elder lawyers help. There are ways that anything over the income cap can be placed in a Medicaid trust so he can qualify for Medicaid. When he is on Medicaid, she remains in the home and is allowed one car. She also gets enough of the shared monthly income to live on. This is just the basics but an Elder Lawyer well versed in Medicaid law will put her on the right track. If Dad is able just to pay for a few months privately, his chances of getting into LTC will make it easier. My Mom only paid 2 months privately and I had no problems. Just make sure the facility picked takes Medicaid.
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