First let me say, my brother and mother are not physically abusive. My mother spent childhood on a ranch. She has always been very demanding and driven. Early to bed, early to rise. Always (and I mean, ALWAYS) has work for everyone to do. She insists my 65 yo brother get work done, constantly, treating him like a child most of the time. She is very verbally abusive. She has always thrown water on us to get up, even when we were children. After many episodes of this, my brother threw water back at her. Now she is acting like he beat her. I have suggested that my mom come stay with me, but when I did, she became furious and said the family (my dad's family in particular) has tried to run her out of her home all her life. I suggested that my brother take a break for a weekend, but he says the trouble he gets when he gets back isn't worth it. I have tried to set up the senior center activities and bus service for them, but they won't go. I have suggested counseling, but they won't go. I still work full-time with a husband at home, so I can't take her everywhere. I find myself avoiding both of them because all I hear is complaints about the other and whining about how life has treated her unfairly, for hours. I worry about my brother's mental health. Mom is really horrible to him but he won't help himself.
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I would attempt "not to pick up the luggage" when you hear the stories. Try to act more as a supporting friend; sympathize but do let your brother know that how he proceeds is in his own hands. Suggest he may want to seek counseling to decide next steps forward for his own life.
Basically for yourself do just try to embrace that you cannot change others. Your writeup suggests that things have not been a lot different where Mom is concerned historically. They are unlikely to change. I surely do wish you and your brother good luck going forward.
We're not responsible for other people's happiness. We can't have their "recovery" for them. The best thing you can do is go on with your own life until your brother decides to actually do something to help himself.
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With more info on brother, we maybe able to help him with options.
Nobody wants to see a situation like this end tragically. Many do though.
I would listen to the brother to a degree. Not hour after hour of the same whining and complaining. He may actually want help and not know how to help himself.
I suppose my angle would be to follow the advice I received from a Social Worker;
1. Offer advice
2. Let him/her choose
3. The consequences are his/hers
Then;
4. Leave thinking time/space
5. Repeat
You can't change either your Mom or Brother... but you could keep your message to your Brother on repeat.
*You CAN change the situation if you want*
He may feel trapped. But mostly people stay trapped due to their own mindset.
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