As a sole caregiver, how do you respond to someone who no longer recognizes you?

I am in that place my friend. I see it slipping as time goes on. My 67 y.o. bride is in the same place. She recognizes her children, but as friends. When I go out on errands and come back she acts as if I’ve been gone for days. “Oh, it’s so good to see you again.”, she says.

I lose more of her everyday. But I never tire of her sweet kisses. Every night I read to her a small passage from the Bible and pray with her, when she gets in bed. I’ll do so as long as she’s still in this earth.

It is a lonely life from the bride I once knew. But she’s still my best friend!

I host a caregivers support group on Zoom. If you, or anyone reading this post would like to join in, message me at 7-1-9*6-5-0*9-3-6-9.

You will be a Friendly, Safe, Constant for her.
She may not know "who" you are
She may not know how you are related
What she will know is that you:
Say "Good Morning"
You take care of her
You are safe
You don't yell
You don't expect her to do things she can't do
You are there when she needs you.
You treat her with dignity and respect.
Aren't these things we all want?!

If you have to introduce other caregivers work with them for a bit before you have to leave her with someone else.

Good Morning,

I simply hold their hand as love can be felt.

I heard a beautiful story on a Religion in the 21st Century video by Fr. Himes of Boston College. It was touching. As his mother neared the end of her life, she had moved to be closer to him in Boston then onto a home; dementia of some sought. He said his mother didn't remember his name but one day she said to him, "I don't remember your name but I know you are someone that I love very much". I thought it was so beautiful. It makes me fill up as I write this.

I hope this brings you some consolation...

My mother was 95 with advanced dementia when she passed in February. She never didn't know who I was, fortunately, but for years she'd introduce me as her "mother" rather than her daughter. The first time she did that I thought she was joking and turned to look at her, expecting to see her laughing. She wasn't. I knew then and there she had dementia and was confusing our roles.....I became the mother as she regressed to being the child figure.

It may never happen that mom doesn't recognize you. It's more common with Alzheimer's than the other dementias to forget loved ones faces. With all dementia, however, they do regress in time to different decades when they didn't have children, so that's a reason for forgetting who we are or not recognizing us. It constantly changes, too, so tomorrow can be a whole new scenario for mom than today was.

I hate dementia with everything in me. I pray you don't see your fear come true with your mom, and that she knows who you are forever. Best of luck.

Can you think through why this makes you “extremely nervous”?

Her symptoms are pretty consistent with general symptoms of dementia, so you continue caring for her as you have, identifying yourself as “I’m someone who REALLY LOVES YOU, and will continue to take good care of you and be by your side”.

The name she calls you, or the person she identifies you as really doesn’t make too much difference to her, as long as she knows you are there for her and love her.

As her care needs change/increase, remember that you don’t have to provide her care alone. Be prepared if/when she needs 24/7 care. If you have some ideas about when you need to offer her more help than you alone can give, it will help you to make that transition more peacefully for you AND for her.

This won’t apply exactly as my mom is in a MC and not living with me, but what I do is wear the same outfit every time I visit. I also wear my hair down and it’s big loud recessive gene hair that’s always been a different color from the rest of the family. Visitors have to wear masks ( residents don’t ) so I have a fun dog mask that has been really popular with the residents. Since I have a signature ‘look’ I think this has kept me recognizable to her for longer. She still has forgotten who I am here and there but huge thanks to this forum I know what to expect. For now if I wave my hair around she remembers who I am lol. My visiting outfit is also colorful.

This is tougher if you live with your mom, but maybe there’s some ‘signature piece’ you can wear around her, especially if its tied to the past? Like hair ornaments or shirts in a color you wore a lot as a child, or if you have wild hair like me just let it be free…you get the idea. Won’t stop the march of this hideous disease but it’s something.

Have to add that after being the chipper entertainer in the MC with my mom I go to my car and usually cry. We just have to get through this.

Big hug, wishing you the best!

My Mom 5 years in MC after many years of in home help, has not known me for years, she does know I am someone she is happy to see and visit with. About 8 months ago she was lamenting she did not know the names of any of the people here and why didn't she. This was unusual because usually her conversations are just nonesense ramblings, so I said well my name is Cyndi, do you recognize that name. To my shock she said "My daughter's name is Cyndi" So I said I Am your daughter! I will always remember her reply "Well what have you done to your hair?" - I am pure white haired not the brunette she knew. I got old Mom I said, and then she was gone again. We have not had another lucid conversation since. When your LO does not recognize you just say I am a friend here to help. There is no correcting, bringing them back or reminding them-their brain is broken, can not be fixed and will only continue to fail. If they are afraid or scared of you, leave the room for a few minutes and when you come back in say something like Hi, I am here to help you... so they know you are a friendly person. Worrying about what will happen is not productive, I would suggest trying to educate yourself. The 36 hour Day is an excellent book (like what to expect when you are expecting) and Teppa Snow has outstanding educational videos, check her out. PLEASE have plans in place for help, if you get sick, hurt or just need a break it is too late. Do not wait to get all the legal papers, backup caregivers etc. Time is of the essence. Good luck, God bless and breathe.

Usually, when my mom had Alzheimer's, and was living with my husband and me, she recognized me. However, there was a day when I gave her lunch, and she said, "Thank you Dear. You're a nice girl. What's your name Honey?" And I said, "Mom, I'm your daughter," and I told her my name, I said, "You knew that." And she said, "No, I didn't." Ironically, it was the same day that my husband's mom, who lived in Assisted Living, didn't recognize him, for the first time. We both exchanged sympathetic looks, as we learned that it comes with the territory. For his mom and mine, their recognition of us was inconsistent: some days they knew us and some days they didn't. We'd just remind them who we were, and they accepted that. They always knew that we were nice people,(whomever we were), and that was really important. Hope this helps.

You play along. My Aunt thought her son was one if her brothers. He played along because that is where she was in her brain, when she was a child with 5 brothers. I think my Mom, in the later stages, thought I was her Mom. When asked about her kids Mom gave the woman asking the question a look like she was nuts and said "I have no children". I was standing right there. A man at Church called me by my Moms name, thats OK, he got the right family. Not saying it doesn't hurt but that part if their lives is gone. I believe they revert back to childhood and everything before that is lost. My Mom, after a point, never mentioned my Dad, my deseased sister or my brother who lived 8 hrs away. Only me and my youngest brother who lived 1/2 hr away.

It happening to me now. There are days where my wife thinks I am Someone else. It can be frustrating but I just go with the flow. I found it is best to try not to correct them. It is sad to see your loved one fade away. I try to make the best of those times of clarity. There is not much you can do but to stay positive and not blame yourself.