My neighbor has Alzheimer's. He's 80, and all his life, he's been incredibly capable (fixes car, built his own home, operates large machinery). He recently took a swerve for the worse after having his symptoms managed well by medication. Now he's really frustrated because he can't remember how to do the things he once did. We've tried to visit more, but he wants to do the things he used to. This change has come suddenly (he had a small stroke and had to go off his meds), so within a month or so, he's changed a lot.
Any suggestions for how to deal with his very understandable frustration? We love him so much and want his final years (or months) to be as happy as possible.
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When one has spent a lifetime of “doing” and not just “being” it is frustrating. It seems early days for him as he remembers he wants to be active.
Do make sure he gets tested for the UTI and know that some take longer than others to recover from a stroke.
As his memory fades, he will perhaps have less angst about wanting to do his projects. Although some things seem to remain as a muscle memory. I remember an old auntie who was quilting days before her death with an imaginary needle and thread. Taking rather small stitches with a long thread it appeared as she would dip the needle low and then draw her arm really high and make a curve and swoop down to take another stitch. Her thread never tangled and she was happy with her work it seemed.
Perhaps you could find small things to ask him to “help” with. Sort nuts and bolts or help you repot some plants or visit hardware stores? Maybe you will have some leaves to rake or bulbs to plant? Maybe there is a pumpkin patch to plan a visit to or Christmas ornaments or lights that need some attention in advance. Pecans or walnuts to clean?
My cousin volunteered to deliver meals on wheels in a rural area where they only received frozen meals once a week and she took her mom (dementia and Parkinson’s) along for the ride. She took both parents each day to the senior center for lunch. Her mom is gone now and she still takes her dad. Something to look forward to. Men like the company of other men so he might find someone he enjoys seeing there on the regular.
My daughter volunteered for awhile at a for senior food bank that catered to senior volunteers as well. The ones who were able helped bag up the canned goods. There were some stories about ones who had their own ideas about who needed what. But it gave them an opportunity to be busy and helpful and the younger volunteers were basically looking after or interacting with their elder helpers and their elder customers.
I’m not sure what he is able to do so maybe these ideas will help you think of others.
Of course you would have to make sure to notice if he found it stressful or not. Don’t do the ones that cause stress and repeat the others as often as he will.
If he is unable to make phone calls, you can spend a visit helping him call someone he would enjoy hearing from. Take a photo of him with your phone and send it to the person so they will maybe want to visit as well. Tip on this is just call the person and you speak to them a little and then hand the phone to your neighbor and ask him to say hello. Or put it on speaker phone and you all have a visit.
If you ask him if wants to do certain things he will probably say no. Assume the sell so to speak. "I need you to ride with me, etc”. Depends on how involved you want to be. Remember it is all for just a season as the disease progresses.
I think just being there is a great gift. Having a cookie and a cup of coffee or other treat or meal with him, sitting outside to people watch or any small thing is a comfort, not his usual perhaps but a comfort. And if you have a dog or cat that could visit you could try that. I’ve known several old guys who were never sentimental about pets to fall in love with a cat that would come by to visit.
You are kind to take time for him and a reminder for all of us to be better neighbors.
Edit. Yikes. Sorry this is so long it no time to edit.
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Being understanding and compassionate about his loses are about all you can do.
Some people don't compute that they are not able to live the life they remember. It is very sad and frustrating for everyone involved.
Trying to guide him towards things that he can do may be helpful.
If he is too frustrated, encourage him to get something from his doctor, it's not good to be frustrated all the time, it could cause another stroke.
Best of luck and God Bless You all, for all you do!
It sounds like he has gotten worse since his stroke and to me it sounds like he may have vascular dementia which is very progressive and has a life expectancy of only 5 years, where Alzheimer's can go on for 20 years and is a much slower progression.
If he doesn't have family close by, you may have to talk to him about hiring some outside help to come in to assist him or even mention moving into the appropriate facility where he will receive the 24/7care he needs or will need soon.
There are no easy answers when dealing with dementia as everyone is different, but it's really kind of you to care about your sweet neighbor man.
And while I'm sure he won't want to hear this, but he really shouldn't be living alone anymore as he is now an accident waiting to happen.
Hopefully if he has family they will be stepping up soon to make sure that he is safe and well taken care of. And if he doesn't have any family, you may have to report him to APS and have them come out to do an assessment of his situation and they will take the necessary steps to get him the care he requires.
Thanks for caring.