How to deal with or cope with caring for my mom?

hugs! i just want to add some things about abusive people in general...

some people on the forum wonder how an elderly mother can force OP to dress a certain way, etc...

there are unfortunately mannnnnny ways, in which people can "force" you to do what they want...

instead of the word "force", one can also say "pressure someone"...but in reality, it comes down to the same thing: you're not given much choice, because the consequences if you choose otherwise, are too big...

here are some techniques abusive people love to use, to force/pressure you to do what they want...

i'm not saying OP's mother does all this; it's an example:
"if you don't dress the way i want you to...
if you drink a glass of alcohol...
i'll...
...throw you out of the house (in fact, OP lives in her mother's house, and OP's mother has threatened to throw her out)
...i'll scream at you
...i'll make your life ***
...i'll psychologically abuse you, every time i see you..."

etc.

"if you do as i say...
i'll be slightly nicer to you...
i'll make your day more livable..."

etc.

solution?
abusive people will never stop. they will target you forever.
OP is already trying to become independent (also financially), as quickly as possible. she's trying to get her freedom.

i wish you freedom OP. i wish us all freedom from abuse.

we human beings are all lucky and unlucky in various ways. we (with abusive mothers) have the bad luck to have been given an abusive mother.

Mom's illness and her weird control over you are two different issues. I say you play tag-team with your brother and take turns having some freedom. You take your time away to learn how to drive first and foremost. That's the key to independence.

So, Mom had a stroke two years ago. Does she actually need all this hands-on care, or is that another way to control you? If she's not incapacitated, tell her you're moving out and that she'll have to fend for herself. Be ready to go when you tell her so if she throws you out you have somewhere to go.

If she does genuinely need that assistance, look into assisted living facilities and give hea list. If you aren't her power of attorney, then you can't do anything to force her into care or hire caregivers, so it's on her if she's of sound mind.

Sometimes you have to let someone sink or swim, but either way, it's your turn to fly the nest.

I'm not sure how your mother can create all these rules if you are 29 years old and responsible for HER care in the home? How would she stop you if you were to dress in clothing of your choice and go out? And have a few drinks to boot? She may WANT you to dress a certain way & not consume alcoholic beverages, but at 29, you get to make your own choices now.

According to your profile, mom is 70 years old, meaning, she can live another 2 or more DECADES! So, you and your brother have to decide how far you'll go in terms of creating your own lives now. Will you move out? Will you get your own place or do you feel obliged to live with mom due to cultural expectations or the equivalent?

We can give you advice to move out, but is that a doable thing? If so, move out. If not, do your own thing and let the chips fall where they may. Mom doesn't have to 'agree' with your choice of clothing or beverage, but again, at 29, they are YOUR choices to make.

You are not going to get mom to BACK OFF b/c this is her home you're living in, correct? As long as you live in her home, she feels entitled to call the shots and tell you what to do. She wants to save you from making mistakes that could change your life forever, and for the worse, too. She feels that's her role as your mother.

If you were to move out, however, you'd need a car and a drivers license FIRST. And I do not see how your mother can 'prevent' you from getting a drivers license.........? Unless you don't have access to an automobile.

So, move out and arrange for in home caregivers to help mom with her needs or stay and live WITHIN her rules but according to your own ideals. Or get her set up in managed care of some kind with Medicaid footing the bill, if she qualifies.

There are a lot of moving parts here that would need to fall into place for you before you can move out, ie: getting a drivers license & a car unless you can manage with public transportation. So you'd need to provide more details on that front before good advice can be given to you.

But at 29, you have the right to live your own life and not be stifled by a mother who refuses to 'allow' you the freedom to get a license or wear the clothing you want to, etc. You have to make a decision to cut the cord and set mom up with care, or continue living there............that's up to you. Same for your brother. Do you have jobs bringing in enough income TO move out? Again, lots of questions, lots of moving parts to this dilemma that you do not provide details to.

Wishing you the best of luck developing your own lives now, you and your brother, and helping mom get caregivers to come into her home to do for her what you two have been doing.

My dad died in 2019

Oh my! I'm sorry that you were raised in such a dysfunctional household were you weren't encouraged to grow up and have a mind of your own, and leave the nest at a younger age. It sounds a bit barbaric if you ask me.
BUT....it's not too late to learn to spread your wings and fly. It's time for you and your brother to present a united front to your mom and let her know that while you love her and want her to do well, that you both can no longer be responsible for her care. She is NOT your responsibility, just in case no one has told you that, and if need be mom will just have to hire some outside help to come in to assist her with her needs, or your dad will have to step up and quit jerking his responsibility, as she IS his responsibility. You don't mention your dad, so perhaps he's not in the picture.
Either way, you and your brother need to leave the home ASAP and even get a place together to begin with, while mom figures out if she wants to hire in home care(with HER money not yours)or if she needs to move into the appropriate facility. She can decide what she would prefer.
And if money is an issue she can apply for Medicaid, so don't let her use that as an excuse.
The fact that she expects you and your brother to care for her and won't let you have a life, is so beyond selfish that I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that.
As a mother and grandmother myself, I wouldn't dream of doing to my kids what your mom has done to you. I'm so sorry that you've been abused(yes it is abuse)by her. I do hope that once you're out on your own that you and your brother will seek out some much needed therapy with a qualified counselor to try and undo the damage that has been done.
God bless you my dear.