I feel like I am doing a terrible job taking care of my mother with moderate dementia because I struggle with depression myself. Any advice?

Maybe it's best, for both of you, if she went to a home. You need to take care of yourself, and that's no easy feat when you have mental health issues. Please don't stop sharing your feelings! The struggle is real and we all need as much support as we can get!

If you were doing a terrible job, it’s unlikely you’d be mindful to even question yourself, let alone reach out here.
Your doing the best job you can & that’s something to be proud of.
Burnout is a normal feeling so don’t be too hard on yourself.
I’m sure there are many good things your doing for your mom.
You may want to look at why you don’t want to share these feelings with anyone so they don’t potentially escalate because you’ve become physically or mentally exhausted yourself.
Maybe you could join a zoom support group for CG’s and just listen. You may surprise yourself by sharing one day once you see your in a safe space with those who can relate and won’t pass judgement.

Please don't accept false guilt. Is your mother safe, clean and fed? Then you're doing a fine job. If you're offering your mother nutritious food, then you've done your job. It doesn't have to be fancy or gourmet.

Lee, caregiving is depressing in itself. We are watching the slow decline of our LO. The emotional, mental and physical demands are difficult. We struggle every day which affects our health and our outlook.

I also am by nature a calm, patient, optimistic, friendly introvert. The extreme pressures of long term caregiving (I'm 16 years into it) have caused me to struggle mightily with a side of me that is resentful, angry and impatient. I feel broken much of the time and the exhaustion makes me weep.

But, my mother gets very good care and that's about all that I can offer at this point. The only thing that I do to stimulate her is play hymns and music.

Take the pressure off of yourself to be perfect.

Can you hire a sitter to give you a few hours away?

This may sound like a stupid suggestion, but if you can find a spare hour, why don’t you enrole in a cooking class? You can learn, meet people, do something different, and feel better about how you feed your mother. Short of a facility, this might be something practical to try?

Your Mom is only 61? You do realize you could be doing this for another 30+ years, right?

Place her in an appropriate facility. 24/7 caregiving by a single individual is not viable long term. The stresses of it could very easily kill you, and where would Mom be then?

I am sure you are doing your best, better than you realize. I am caring for my mom with dementia as well.. I go above and beyond.. but am definitely burnt out. I am naturally a very optimistic, resilient person. The problem is she can be negative, depressed and complains a lot.. which can be draining to me.. I am now trying to get her in a Senior Day Care and some Home Health Care assistance. I am trying to find time to engage in those activities that bring me joy. I suggest you do the same.. Try to take time out each day for YOU.

There is no easy fix for this so I won't give a long winded response. I believe one small step a day is better than none.
Play music that you both like (take turns) and get out into the fresh air nature a bit. Both are good for the serotonin in your brains and are the simplest of things you can do to help BOTH of you feel better. Also, consider a Meals on Wheels food plan for your Mom which will alleviate the burden of meal preps. I'm sending you a virtual hug - you are blessed and valued. Please continue to reach out to this group - we care!

I would suggest you take the time to see a medical doctor....YOU, not your Mom. At the same time, I would suggest that you seek some kind of mental therapy.

You are not doing a terrible job. Moderate dementia is not easy to deal with. It is hard to stimulate someone if you are not feeling top notch. It doesn't matter if you are a fair cook. Do the meals satisfy nutrition guidelines? It doesn't have to satisfy guidelines every day, just over say a week. Can you microwave? Regardless of what the cooking shows want you to believe, it isn't that easy to produce those kind of meals without practice and knowledge (and money) and the ability to endure failures.

Do you know what is triggering your depression? Is it the constant caring for someone that you have no control over? Or is it seasonal depression? Or is it aging? Or maybe you are a perfectionist?

You are doing an adequate, not terrible job, despite what your mind is telling you. However, I do suggest you see a doctor ASAP as any kind of therapy for depression does take a long time to see and feel results. Depression can not be treated easily and it is tough to care for someone else when you, yourself, are not feeling well.

...and also, remember that terrible is a subjective word. What is terrible to one person might be above average to another. Same thing about fair cook....what you consider fair, might be out-of-this-world to someone else.

Don't give into the depression....gather your strength and go see a doctor.

It's not easy being a caregiver. And we have all had nearly 3 years of stress due to the pandemic. You are not alone feeling depressed. Reach out to get treatment for your depression, if you haven't already done so. Your doctor would be the first one to discuss this with, or a therapist, if you have one. You need to talk about your depression with someone. It will be better to talk about it. Contact a local social worker to discuss your and your mother's options for care. Accept any care that your mother and you are eligible for. Medicare/Medicaid cover some in-home caregivers, there are programs that pay family caregivers, durable medical equipment such as walkers, wheel chairs, etc. Have a plan in case your mother gets to the point where she needs more care than you can provide. Some areas have adult day care services where they pick up the client and provide activities and maybe lunch, and then bring them back to their home. This would also give you a break for some "you" time. As long as you are giving her food that keeps her healthy, don't worry if it's not gourmet, or not that varied. You can supplement her diet with protein drinks in her favorite flavor, or flavored yogurt as snacks. And there's always Ensure. With dementia, you also have to look out for changes of eating habits. My mother had to go to soft foods (scrambled eggs, cereals and grits, blended vegetables and meat the consistency of mush) when she was no longer chewing her food. Some good suggestions in the other responses about easy things to do to stimulate her, such as playing music, sitting outside with her on a bench to people watch, TV (no violence, or news, which cause anxiety). Good luck to you both, and be proud of yourself for the care you are giving your mother.

Seems like caregiving and depression go hand in hand. Caregiving is so hard, so draining and so thankless. It’s just how it works with dementia.

Please share these feelings with your Dr. There may be some antidepressants that could help. Even if you don’t want to talk to your Dr, at least find either local caregiver support meetings or they have several online too. The fact the you posted here, shows that on some level, you know you need to share your burden. Sharing will help you…even just to vent, but speaking to others they can give ideas on how to handle certain situations that come up on this journey.

Dont be hard on yourself. Take some deep breaths, step outside for some fresh air. Please look up support groups for caregivers, in addition to this forum. At the suggestion of one of my support group facilitators, I contacted my Dr for antidepressant. It seems to help a bit.

You can’t take care of your loved one, unless you take care of yourself. You need rest, relaxation and a support system. The rest and relaxation may only be possible in “small doses”, you need to find ways.

Good luck and keep posting so we know how your doing.