I can't seem to convince her to make exams and tests at this point, or any other so far. She says I'm imagining things and laughs in my face. Anyway, I've rallied her brother who doesn't want anything to do with the situation, and one friend of hers who also doesn't want anything to do with it mostly, but offered to help out in some ways (like keeping her over the weekend and so forth).
I've been living with her since 2016 taking care of her well-being, but she does not acknowledge that's the reality. First because she developed COPD and at the time I also couldn't afford to work with her and pay rent in a big city, and then she fell and she's been losing abilities ever since.
She's been losing abilities every month actually, she doesn't clean as much as she used to, doesn't cook as much, and forgets basic things (like how to shuffle cards, or how to make toast are two examples that come to mind).
She's in a very advanced state but doesn't seem like it for people who are not with her every day like I am.
She also was abusive towards me her entire life and continues to gaslight and love bomb with this age. I have a good support group, a therapist, and a psychiatrist who confirm these are all dementia behaviors that I report to them.
Anyway, any ideas in helping her get help?
Thank you in advance.
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It's hard
The only thing you can do without being able to successfully convince her that she has dementia or have to doctor test her is to do what @lealonnie1 described above
Wait for your mom to have a major crisis, have her taken to the ER then they will determine if she truly needs to be removed from her current setting and placed into a different environment
Best of luck!
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Fact is, if mother does have dementia/mental health issues, she's experiencing what's known as Anosognosia; which is a condition that causes someone to be unaware of their mental health condition and how it affects them. It's common in some conditions, including dementia. So, someone who has been properly diagnosed with dementia, but has anosognosia, doesn't know or believe that they have dementia. Nothing you or any doctor can say will change her mind about it, either. My mother, God rest her soul, had advanced dementia & lived in Memory Care Assisted Living and STILL refused to believe there was anything wrong with her; it was everyone 'else' who was a stupid moron and 'crazy', etc. Part of the disease AND part of the personality disorder many of these people are also afflicted with, in my opinion.
So, let's say you got mom to agree to go to the doc for the exams and then she got diagnosed. Won't make a bit of difference unless she's deemed 'incompetent' and even then, you'd need Guardianship or at least POA to have her placed in managed care, if that was your goal. She'd need the funds to pay for it and/or you'd need social services to pay for it if she had no funds to do so herself. So therein lies the dilemma.
Here in the USA, many of us 'children' leave our stubborn parent to live alone and wait for a crisis to hit; then they get sent to the ER where they're not allowed to return home to live alone. THEN they are sent to managed care by a social worker at the hospital. That's how we get them placed when they are too stubborn to see the light. Again, I have no idea how things work outside of the USA.
Can you see an attorney who specializes in Elder Care matters to talk things over and see what your options are? If you can move out and let the chips fall where they may with mother?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
You don't mention either so I'm assuming that perhaps you don't have POA over her at this time, and with dementia you won't more than likely be able to get them now.
I must also say that forgetting how to shuffle cards and not remembering how to make toast does not sound like she's in an "advanced state" of dementia, but more like the beginning stages.
And the fact that you are living with her and it sounds like she is paying the bills as you are not working makes the whole situation more difficult as well.
Perhaps try video taping her when she's doing what you consider to be off or different and if and when she does finally go to the doctor(she at least has to go yearly for her Medicare checkup right?)you can share the videos with her doctor in private before or after her appointment.
Good luck.
You mentioned that your Uncle is helping your Mom. I assume he is also a senior citizen like your Mom. Not a good mix. I was a senior citizen trying to care for my parents. I wasn't hands-on and the logistical work I was doing for them was so exhausting. I can't imagine doing hands-on and logistical together. When one is a senior, we no longer have the same energy we did back 10-20 years prior. Is your mother's friend also a senior? And they are keeping your Mom over-night?
Learn as much as you can about dementia. Go to the top of this page to the blue/green bar, click on CARE TOPICS and look for "dementia". Lot of excellent articles. The more you know the easier it is to know what to do next.
if your not trying to have her declared, I don’t understand what your trying to do..
It sounds as though working “through” her is a lost cause. If as you have observed here, her cognitive abilities are progressively decreasing, you will not get any farther by using logic, because her ability to reflect and reason about her own actions are irretrievably going.
This worked very well for me when attempting to get services for my present “in care” LO. A very compassionate therapist was recommended by the AL that she had just entered. We met with my LO in a comfortable spot that was familiar to her, I seated slightly behind, facing the therapist, so I could indicate by gesture which of her answers were accurate and which were not.
One more thought- hopefully you are making progress yourself with the aforementioned support system you’ve created, with learning to be less effected by her abusive techniques. They were never authentic and you never deserved to be subjected to them, but now and as things move forward, even less so.
I was very fortunate, as the only child of a mother who had severe agoraphobia, depression, and anxiety through my whole life, to learn once she was in placement that there was a sort of love between us. I really benefitted from learning that, in her old ages and (lol) mine.
Keep up the good work, and continue to benefit from the support you receive! And if you find us helpful, keep coming here.