My FIL had been living in family house with his daughter. It was a happy arrangement as he was very healthy and independent, had a girlfriend, would go on cruises. He broke his hip and became disabled and had been declining. For 2 years during the pandemic we had a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver living there when his health declined. It was very difficult for her. She didn’t always get along with caregiver and for us it was difficult to manage. He had a hospitalization and at 90 needed to go into a home for more care. He ran out of money and my husband being the executor of 5 had to sell the house. The sister had to get an apartment. She has a full time job but doesn’t make a lot of money and was used to the dad paying all of the living expenses. The move was hard with only my husband and another sister doing the move , 56 years of junk basement and attic. She wrote a damning letter afterwards bashing my husband for all the mistakes he made during the move. She sent it to the whole family and his 2 brothers who sat on the sidelines and didn’t help both support the sister and agree with this terrible letter. The letter mainly states that my hubby was too unfeeling, transactional when he cleared the house out. We are so hurt by the 3 siblings as we both worked so hard, sacrificed our time, effort, energy. We live an hour away. We have 2 teenagers. And the sister agreed with the sale, got to pick the date of house being listed. we got her professional movers. She got a payout “gift” once house was sold. I feel my husband he did everything he could. I’m having a hard time controlling my anger and sadness and negative thoughts. This is painful. We have a family wedding next week. She meanly said in the letter that she’s not going because of us. How do I face all of my in laws. What do I do?
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My brother and I had to throw out a lot of junk in my mom's house when my dad passed and she was not physically or mentally able to help. We know with our busy lives that we were also throwing out some nostalgic stuff.
Same thing happened when my brother passed. We threw away 2 bins of stuff or donated to Goodwill. I was rushed because a buyer came quickly. With this clean out, we offered all freinds and family to come within 1 weekend to take what they wanted.
Your husband did the best thing that he could. Why make this prolonged?
I'd have that sentence ready to roll, to anyone that asks, to in-laws, yourself & to your DH too. It's true!
Hopefully in the passing of time, SIL will adjust & gain the clarity to see that too.
Actually, this is something your husband should handle and before the wedding. A family meeting even with SIL.
1. DH arranged for 24/7 care so SIL was able to work. Anything she did for Dad was no more than she probably did before he was sick. MG, Dad paid for everything and kept a roof over her head.
2. Selling the house was discussed and agreed to. As POA your husband did not have to do this.
3. SIL agreed to it and you all helped her move. I bet she took what she needed from the house for her apt. You gave her a % of the proceeds (which maybe u shouldn't have) and a $1000.
4. With Medicaid, the house is an exempt asset. So if that was the only asset he had and he fit the criteria, he could have gotten Medicaid. The only thing is, his SS and any pension he received would go towards his care. SIL may have been allowed to stay in the house because she was his daughter and it was her residence but...she would have had to prove that she could pay the utilities, taxes and upkeep which seems she wouldn't have been able to so...she still would have needed to move out.
5. I am sure if SIL or any of the children wanted anything from that house your DH would have allowed them to take it.
I cleaned out a 123 yr old house 7 room, 1 bath, lg attic, attached mud room and outbuilding, with help from my DH. But that was mostly heavy stuff. My mom lived there 56 yrs. Yes, I was "transactional". I never knew when it would sell so had to get the stuff out. Had to move my nephew out first. So had to get him set up for help with housing. He took what he needed to set up house. My brother chose what he wanted. I started with a room at a time. Trash first. No sentimentality. I was 68 at the time with a house of my own. So I did not need my Moms stuff. I gave things to friends I thought they could use. Thrift shop got other stuff. A friends husband took stuff out of the outbuilding. I advertised for something in the outbuilding, a couple wanted it, I told them take whatever else they wanted and they pretty much cleaned the outbuilding out. Pictures got divided up and anything I found that I thought a sibling would like. Each got their own box. Yes, you have to be "transactional" or the cleaning out would not get done.
I don't see why you DHs family has sided with SIL. Seems they all were involved in the decisions. To the point some of them helped. Now DH is wrong? Maybe SIL is now having a "buyers remorse" kind of thing. Found out what it means to be a single woman on her own. How much Dad did for her. Well its what it is. If he had died, where would she have been if her siblings allowed her to remain in the home but had to pay for everything. She probably would not have made it. So it really doesn't matter. In each instance I distribed, she never would be have been able to stay in the house and this is what everyone needs to understand. And none of you should need to support her monetarily for it to happen.
When my Aunt died she had a 3 bedroom house. It took my cousin, only child, 5 yrs to clean it out. She had a hard time parting with anything. She lived almost 4 hrs away. Me, it would have been cleaned ASAP.
I think your question is why don’t siblings side with DH? This bunch is quite a crew. His other sister was the only one to help with clean out. The 2 brothers live in the area but don’t get along with other sister. They feel sorry for SIL in house. B/c brothers weren’t there they believe everything SIL says how DH was unfeeling, yada yada. I don’t know why we couldn’t all work collectively as a group, would have been better support for SIL. Instead, 3 of the 5 siblings act as adversaries kind of undermining the process. If you think about it the sideline brothers end up smelling like roses b/c they didn’t ‘make SIL’ move, actively participate in it…does that make sense? Literally, could not throw out a Tupperware lid without her getting upset.
DH walked on eggshells during the 3 month clean out…yes it was a terrible long time and grueling process.
. SIL took her choice of everything, glad she did…furniture, China, even refrigerator, for her new place. A brother took some valuables. The helpful sister took the silver. We took whatever was left in basement, s donated a ton, sold a ton online, still have a ton in basement
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Yes, it is painful. But so much in life is. I would answer any questions gently and briefly. I would simply tell people that this is a very private issue which you are certain they understand, that your husbands sister is having a "hard time" with things, and you hope she will get better.
Blood isn't that much thicker than water. I would continue to sympathize with Sister and tell her you are sorry she is having a hard time and will help in ways you can (other than financial unless your own old age is well funded already), and you hope she will feel better, but you have done the best you can. End of sentence.
Again, I am sorry for your husband's pain. I hope things improve with time.
If your SIL had been the primary caregiver of your FIL, had given up her life and livelihood to move back home with her dad and take care of him, I could understand her hard feelings. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. If your FIL is in his 90's, how old is SIL? She must be in her 50's, at least. I mean, we're not talking about some kid just out of college, are we? What was her plan for her herself after her dad passed away? How was she going to support herself then?
It's very sad that at her age, your SIL can't afford to live on her own, but that's not you or your DH's fault! And frankly, insofar as other relatives are concerned, I don't see where it's any of their business; if they would be so rude as to mention it at the wedding, if I were you, I would tell them that.
You and DH did nothing wrong. Dad's money should go for dad's care. If that means selling his home to be able to pay for it, then sad as it is, that's what has to happen. Cleaning out his house was part of that process. Sometimes being an adult means you have to be "transactional" and not sentimental. Go to the wedding, have a great time, and ignore those who say you did anything "wrong", including your SIL.
But practice sighing, with that "you wouldn't understand" look if you like.
Is this one of those dysfunctional family situations where the person who is smart, rational and does the right thing is thought of as odd?
If so, head over to the dysfunctional family thread and vent.
Go to the wedding, have a great time and if ANYONE says boo about your sil being treated unfairly say "FIL'S bills needed to be paid with HIS funds and assets. Sorry if math isn't your strong point". Walk away.
Being executor gives one no rights until the death of the principal; I hope he had financial power of attorney.
Was the daughter providing caregiving to her father? Sounds like not. It sounds as though she was used to being taken care of by her dad. What was her plan for when he passed away?
It doesn't sound like you have anything to be ashamed of. It was the dad's house, and thus HIS asset to use for his care, yes?
Were the in-laws going to foot the bill for dad's care?
If they criticize you, I'd ask them that question, sweetly.