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danginar Asked September 2022

My 103-year-old parent refuses care other than from his children. How do we find a balance?

My husband and I sold our home in another state and moved into my father-in-law's home. Our goal was to help care for him as he is 103 years old. He is in great physical health and can take care of all of his personal needs. He does have dementia. He still knows all of us, but doesn't really remember people outside of our immediate family. His short term memory is inconsistent. He does a lot of things out of habit and muscle memory... like making breakfast, mowing the lawn, etc. If he stops doing an activity, he will completely forget how to do it and can't relearn the skill. He is mostly pleasant to be around, but can get moody, angry and depressed. He can be alone for short periods of time, but he doesn't feel safe being alone. Therefore, he wants us to be around ALL of the time. We love him and enjoy spending time with him, but we need to get some balance. We bought a house a short distance from him that we use for respite for ourselves.


 


We would like to move into the house we bought and bring care for him into his home in the evenings and possibly throughout the day. We don't want to hurt him, but we can't be 24/7 any longer. He will not move into an assisted living facility.


 


Any advice on how to have this conversation with him?

Grandma1954 Sep 2022
Introduce a caregiver SLOWLY.
Have one come over, introduce your friend "Gail"
Gail can help you change bedding and do laundry on Monday.
Gail can help you do some cleaning on Wednesday.
Gail can help prep some dinners for the weekend on Friday and all of a sudden you need to run out to get potatoes for the stew you are making. Gail can stay with FIL for 30 minutes to an hour while you run to the store.
The following week Monday is the same but Wednesday you have a "dentist appointment" and will be gone for 2 hours.
Friday you are going to meet a friend for lunch and will also be gone 2 hours.
He will get used to "Gail" and be more accepting of her.
The other option is to find an Adult Day Program that he can go to. They typically pick up in the morning, the participants get a snack and a lunch. Maybe an afternoon snack as well then the bus/van returns them home at the end of the day.
A program like that is good as it is consistent and it sounds like he likes routine.
Cover999 Sep 2022
Why couldn't it be John?
Daughterof1930 Sep 2022
In different circumstances we told my dad, living in his own home, that there was no choice, either he have a helper in home part time or he move to assisted living. We stated this very firmly, though we really had no power to make it so. For whatever reason, I guess our firmness, he believed us. We hired a part time helper despite his insistence of “I don’t want anyone in my house” Thankfully, she was experienced and very good at her job and she quickly turned him into a believer in her skills. She became very valued by him and we were grateful. Don’t make it a choice and back away when necessary
Beatty Sep 2022
Choice A or B: Accept help (from others at home) or Be without help*

* If without help option is safe, it may work for a time... but if not, this forces moving into care - which IS choice A anyway: Accepting help from others, in a different location!

My LO, same. Help got accepted & staff quickly became 'trusted people'.

Staff shortages has brought challenges, cancellations & unknown replacements + fear of strangers again but the choice is same.. Choice A or B: Accept help or Be without help.

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MargaretMcKen Sep 2022
Some posters have had success with introducing a carer gradually. She comes in as ‘your friend’, and talks with you and him together. ‘Her mother recently passed, and she is at a loose end’. Third time, you ‘have to slip out for a while’, and she is prepped to do something he might enjoy. Then you extend gradually. It might be worth a go? It’s probably not as quick as you hoped, and it is too expensive for some people to manage, but you’ve done so much that you may be willing to take it a bit slowly. Good luck, Margaret
againx100 Sep 2022
This is a great plan! I thought of also having the first person be a cleaning lady for example. But maybe they're actually a caregiver that can slide easily from one role to the other. If the aide can do laundry, cooking, etc. and say it's for the OP, not for the elder, that could work in most situations.
againx100 Sep 2022
My mom resists having caregivers but I'm burnt out, busy with watching grandkids (which I LOVE and will not give up for any reason!) and want to have my life back. So I did not ask her, I just did it. And, yes, she pays for every penny of it. She gets pissy about it sometimes and I tell her it's this or she'll have to live elsewhere because I can't/won't do it all. It's an on going battle but it's imperative that I have my grandkid, kid, hubby, me time (not in that order but still).

annemculver Sep 2022
You’ve tried the conversation, it appears: it didn’t work. Get moving! Because you can’t do it all, nor should you have to! Do what you need to do, and say - gently but firmly - this is how it’s going to be.

groovygal Sep 2022
My suggestion would be to take a different approach to the conversation. Instead of asking him to agree to outside help, why not go ahead and arrange for the help you need and then tell him you have engaged part time help... not for him, but for you?

In truth, the help *is* for you, and I do not say that in a critical way.

Another suggestion is to actually be there with the new caregiver as your FIL is getting to know them. Hopefully, even with his limited ability to learn new skills, he will become familiar enough with them that he isn't frightened the first time you leave him alone with them.

Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful, loving family.
againx100 Sep 2022
Yes, don't ask for permission. And yes the help really is for the OP so that's what you tell FIL. This nice person is coming here to help ME because I'm tired, etc.
RedVanAnnie Sep 2022
Grandma1954 has it about right, whether it is "Gail" or "John.". Begin to introduce outside help, perhaps introducing them as there to help YOU. You may go through a few care workers before you find a real " fit" especially with current shortages in the home health field, but the goal is to find someone your FIL accepts as a helper.

funkygrandma59 Sep 2022
Just be honest and upfront with him, and then give him the choice of hiring outside help in(with his money of course)or tell him that you will have no choice but to have him placed in the appropriate facility, as you guys can no longer continue the 24/7 care that he requires, as it's just too much.
I would venture to guess that with those being his only 2 options that he will welcome with open arms outside help coming in to assist him.
Good luck!
danginar Sep 2022
Thank you! I appreciate your advise. It is really tough!
Geaton777 Sep 2022
With short-term memory impairment I personally think it is unproductive to have any discussion with him that he won't remember, but if it gives you a clear conscience, then do it but have no expectations of him recalling it. And certainly don't bother telling him a second time.

Do what you think works best for both parties (him and his caregivers). If he is still active and mowing the lawn, etc. it may be best to have aids come to the house and maybe someone over night. Maybe consider an adult day care. Him wanting you to be around 24/7 is called Shadowing and is a characteristic behavior of dementia. You won't ever be able to get him "reassured" that he is "safe" so do what you need to so you don't burn out. Have the aid(s) keep him physically and mentally busy during the day so that he sleeps through the night. Having in-home aids 24/7 will eventually cost more than a facility.

In any other situation I would recommend AL for all its healthy social exposure but at 103 and him having great mobility and activity level... I'd say it's ok to preserve that by keeping him home, if possible.

If you decide to transition him to AL then you can use a therapeutic fib to get and keep him there: The house has a dangerous gas leak / infestation / broken a/c or furnace, etc. You have to go to a temporary apartment until it is fixed. Most facilities are familiar with going along with this type of strategy.

Your profile says he has depression so I would recommend this be discussed with his doctor to see if meds would be an option, and it *may* "help" the shadowing.

NancyIS Sep 2022
Can you present it as something that you need to do for you and your husband, so that you can have breaks? Some men prefer male aides, especially for bathing and dressing. What about a transitional period when you bring in aide(s) and also are there at the same time while your father in law adjusts to the aide(s). You'll also have a chance to see how the aid works with your FIL. If you will have "strangers" in his house, lock up his valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers, or better still, remove them from his house and keep them at your house. Maybe it's time for your FIL to go paperless. Are you handling his finances? If so, this will be easier. In time, as he gets used to the aide(s) he may be OK with having an aide. Does he need 24/7 care? If so, he'll need to have aides in shifts for the times when you cannot be his caregivers. Is his financial situation such that he can hire in-home aides? Connect with a local social worker to discuss his options. Medicare/Medicaid cover in-home caregiving in some situations. At 104, and with dementia, he should be entitled to some benefits. His doctor may have to prescribe in-home caregiving if it's for Medicare. Hopefully all of his paperwork is in order with setting up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, having a living will with his medical directives, and a will (he has a house, so he has assets). If he doesn't, and his dementia is still not far advanced, he may still be able to sign legal papers. All the best to you all.
Clairesmum Sep 2022
good points...though Medicare does not pay for in home caregiving. Medicaid sometimes does, but that requires financial eligibility (spending down liquid assets in paying for his own care and daily living needs) before he could be eligible.
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