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lkdrymom Asked September 2022

Why is it so hard for some to set and maintain boundaries?

I am always surprised at the number of people on this forum who are unable/unwilling to set boundaries with a parent. Is it because of a lifetime of conditioning by the parent or do you feel it is disrespectful to just say NO to a parent?


 


My father was terrified of his mother. I am sure this was due to a lifetime of conditioning by her that she was always to be kept happy or there would be heck to pay. And as a child, you have no choice, but once you are a fully functioning adult, what is your excuse? He was a businessman, married with a child and a nice home. He lived 50 miles from his mother. He did not rely on her for anything, yet he was terrified of displeasing her. And he expected my mother and me to follow along. My mother was a very tolerant person, she did not get mad very often so she put up with a lot. I was a mouthy kid so I would say something to my grandmother if I felt she crossed a line. I found she didn't run roughshod over me as much as she did others because I would push back. Didn't know it at the time but I was setting boundaries that my father couldn't.


 


As an adult woman, I did not rely on my father for anything. I was not afraid of him as he had no power over me. I set a lot of boundaries with him as he aged. And he tried hard to break every last one multiple times. On occasion he was successful and I was mad at myself for allowing it. But that would just reinforce the need for me to have boundaries. He was well taken care of in his last years but not at the expense of me sacrificing my life (although on some days it did feel like it).


 


Why are boundaries so hard to establish?

lealonnie1 Sep 2022
In my case, when I tried to establish boundaries with my mother, she would change the rules on me, insisting she 'never did that' or 'never said that' and I was 'crazy' for thinking so in the first place: a/k/a gaslighting. Which would lead me to question MYSELF. Was I the crazy one for thinking I needed TO set boundaries down in the first place?

She would cycle through her bag of tricks, blaming me or refusing to accept the blame herself; minimizing my feelings; acting like a victim; saying that I was way too sensitive; or going into a big rage & having a meltdown that I would have 'the nerve' to set down rules of my own.

My mother would often ignore my boundaries altogether because she didn't recognize them as being 'valid'. Or she would constantly test me to see if my boundaries were weak so she could bust through them and say SEE! I knew you were weak and I could get my way! HA!

Setting down and keeping boundaries with certain personality disordered types can be SO exhausting and time consuming that the 'child' gives up eventually. We throw our hands up in surrender and the parent wins, which was their goal all along. Only the strongest survive the onslaught of tricks thrown at them to break down the boundaries they try to install in the first place.

That's why it was SO HARD to establish boundaries with my mother in the first place. She didn't want them, they cramped her style. And her style was ME ME ME ME ME. Only My needs matter, not yours or anyone else's. The world must revolve around ME and your rules prevent that from happening.
lkdrymom Sep 2022
I get that they wear you down, I'm guilty of that myself. However, after such an incident, I was madder at myself because it would be more work for me than if I held firm...which reinforced me to hold firm the next time.
Tothill Sep 2022
Being raised by narcissistic parents take a huge toll on children that lives into their adulthood.

The gaslighting has you second guessing your own lived experiences.

When I read Susan Forwards book Toxic Parents in the 1990's, I finally felt I had permission to set boundaries. And I do.

But I live in a smaller community and regularly hear from other people how Mum or Dad is bad mouthing me for holding firm on my boundaries. Even to the point of missed employment opportunities, do to their actions.

But I continue to hold firm.
lkdrymom Sep 2022
My parents did a lot for my grandmother as my father was afraid of her. My mother would say the woman wouldn't even say hello, she'd just start barking orders from the front door. Yet she would badmouth my parents to the neighbors and they would get dirty looks when they arrived. Funny how the neighbors never actually thought about how they were there often, so they obviously were there doing something for her.

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SnoopyLove Sep 2022
As an outsider to this phenomenon (abusive/difficult parents, personality disorders, etc.) I have to just marvel at the strength of the parent-child bond, especially the mother-child bond. It’s scary how powerful it is apparently, even after decades of abuse.
lealonnie1 Sep 2022
Abusive relationships have THE strongest hold on others out of all of them. Look at the Stockholm Syndrome, for a good example. When manipulative & psychological techniques are used (esp. on children), they're coached to remain loyal to the abuser no matter what. It's ingrained & very hard to break free from. :(
MeDolly Sep 2022
Some children never grow into adulthood when it comes to their parents, they never achieve the status of being their equal. It is always the childish nomenclature of Mommy & Daddy.

Also, religion clouds some children's ability to move on, they have been brainwashed by the churches must do's and interpretation of the written word, they are conditioned to follow the churches lead without questioning anything.
JoAnn29 Sep 2022
Good point. Some children are not allowed to grow up.
ConnieCaretaker Sep 2022
Because we are human.

Gershun Sep 2022
I think it depends on how much you feel you have to lose in any particular relationship. With my mom I guess some people might say we were enmeshed. I personally can't stand these psycho babble catch phrases. Truthfully after losing my dad to cancer at a young age I clung to my mom, afraid of losing her too. That relationship established itself at a young age for me and lasted all through my adult life. To change it would have been traumatic for me even though it probably would have been good for me to do so. So no boundaries there. I felt I had too much to lose.

But I have some really selfish, mean, narcissistic siblings who proved themselves to not be worthy of my time or effort when my mom got old and sick and they were nowhere to be found. After my mom's death I put up solid boundaries with them cause I feel I have nothing to be gained by letting them into my life and a whole lot of possible hurt if I did.

So, as I said in the beginning of my post. Boundaries are dependent on each individual relationship and what you stand to gain or lose by having them or not having them.
Sendhelp Sep 2022
How does an enmeshed family differ from a close family?
Most parents are willing to spend an extraordinary amount of money, time, and emotional energy to foster feelings of belonging and togetherness. There is nothing wrong with that and it can help build a healthy, tight-knit family. Sounds like your Mom was there for you Gershun.

Psychology is not science and should not be the only voice we listen to.
imo. Thus, the term psychobabble.
helenb63 Sep 2022
'... a lifetime of conditioning by her that she was always to be kept happy or there would be heck to pay.' You have said it yourself. It is incredibly hard to get away from that ingrained mindset, brainwashing, whatever you call it. It has taken me months of counselling to accept that I am not responsible for my - unpleasable - mother's character defects and life choices, but I still feel pangs of guilt that I'm not doing enough for her.

KBHKBH Sep 2022
As a person who has had no children by choice, I am amazed at what many will put up with. Dad ad Parkinsons's, got very suspicious of everyone, was hard to deal with, etc., and I believed, shorrtened Mother's life in his constant demands and her devotion to his wish to stay at home when he obviously couldn't and shouldn't. I hope I am not a burden to my family and hope to stay in my home and take care of my self, possibly with some outside help if it comes to it. I am ashamed for those abusive parents (those w/o dementia, which cannot be helped), and I will close by saying that way too many people have kids that shouldn't.KBHKBH

Anabanana Sep 2022
I am an only child. Few friends were allowed into our house. There was perfect public mother and private critical mother. Her list of boundaries and requirements was lengthy. I was not allowed any. Events were never as *I* remembered them, and I was frequently set up to be wrong and punished. (ex: told the wrong time, punished for being late) I was to attend all her functions while she ignored mine. All my vacation days were to be spent with her, or else.

It was my “normal” from the day I was born. And I learned tremendous survival skills. My husband is constantly astounded at how much I can read from body language, spoken tone and nuance. It was necessary.

I knew I did not like how I was mothered, and decided to parent very differently, which brought on mocking and criticism from my mother. I have discussed some of my mother’s behaviour with my older kids (20ish) to give them context.

But it took me until my 50s to truly understand there was nothing “normal” about my childhood or our relationship.

Dementia poked holes in her few filters and she eventually expressed herself freely to me, in front of others. “Do what I say, or I’ll make your life miserable!”

She’s been in care for a year and I am trying to wrap my head around a lifetime of damage. I cared for her longer than I should have (to keep her safe through the pandemic) and my conscience is clear.
eat-pray-love Sep 2022
FAB response! So happy to hear you are free now. I can relate to portions. Had to be peacemaker betw my unwell Mom & my Superhero (Doctor) Stepdad. I got the A's, heated up leftovers & made cookies while my Mom was out partying til 2 AM. I only had a couple friends spend the night as there family situations were somewhat similar. Interesting that I was voted Class Clown of my HS class & went on to study Theatre Arts (hide behind the mask). My Dad passed in Jan & ironic that I am the only one who will see her twice a month & call her daily. I cannot wait to be free like you. Can't until she passes. I lose sleep every night & look forward to 20 min power naps when I need them.. My Mom asks "Do any of your friends have Monster Moms?!" I endure but DO keep boundaries. Get off the phone when she is being psycho. Leave her place at 530 to drive back home the 2 hrs.. My grown Kids know all too well what I went thru & what continues.. BUT I speak my truth now. I owe it to myself, my Kids and future generations...
ChoppedLiver Sep 2022
Why are boundaries so hard to establish? Because in social circles, there is not a clear right or wrong answer. If there was a clear right or wrong answer, those boundaries are easier to establish and maintain.

I also think the reason why boundaries are so hard to establish is because it is like learning a difficult lesson. First you have to be aware that a boundary can or should exist or should be taken down. Then after that, you try, observe the consequences, try again, observe more consequences, repeat until satisfied with the consequences.

As life evolves and changes, the great part about forums like these is the fact that we get ideas of how we might be able to change our boundaries, and ways to enforce them or notify others that the boundary has changed.

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