I'm wondering why my sister the trustee refuses to allow me to use funds from the trust for my mom's care. Can I be paid for caregiving out of the trust my parents setup for their care?

You really need to have a coly of the trust and see a family or elder law attorney.

The wording in a Trust is specific but also generalizes what is considered reimbursable to you for her care.

I would now request a meeting with Trustee-Sister and attorney. Time to get a hard and fast agreement and contract drawn up. You will need to find out if this is reported as income, how much to charge monthly for care, and how to give bills for Mom's Trustee for her care and for their payment. OTHERWISE it is time to let Sister know that you cannot care for Mom in these circumstances and arrangements will need to be made by her Trustee to transfer her to care. The moving in of Mom should NOT have been done without this agreement and no changes should have been done without an understanding of payment.
Time for you to stand together with your husband, to get your remuneration in place for your care of your Mother, or time for Sister to learn what it costs to shell out monies for Mom's care in facility.
If Sister will not attend this attorney, her attorney (who is paid for by Mom's funds in the Trust) then you will have to get your own attorney, and work on the hard task of placing Mom with legal moves. Once you move someone into your home it is HER home, and this will be no easy task. I hate the thought of your being a warning to others in this position, but that is unfortunately what you are at this point and I hope against hope that you can turn this around for yourself. I am so sorry this has happened and SHAME ON YOUR SISTER. Do know that others here have seen Mom's and Dad's left on the doorstep with suitcases of the "trustee" responsible LEGALLY for their care. It might be something worth your sister's consideration.

Since your sister is trustee, I'm assuming that she's not a professional trustee, and is interpreting the terms on her own. If you have a copy of the trust, I'd take it to an attorney for interpretation. Sometimes attorneys will visit senior centers weekly or biweekly and offer limited free advice. This might be an option.

I would also ask for copies of the "attorney advised" alleged claims by which your sister interprets your requests.

Another option is more extensive, and that's to get an attorney to review and interpret the provisions addressing your mother's needs.

Another important issue is that if your mother needs to have a bathroom modification, it affects her mobility and health, and is what I would consider a necessity. If your sister denies your mother such a necessity, in my opinion, she's compromising her health and safety. That could be a breach of the trust terms.

You'd best rely on legal support for that kind of approach though. And it could become contentious, but your sister's first obligations are your mother's needs. If she's not doing that, I would think she would be in breach of her obligations.

Nanagp, were these financial questions asked before you choose to bring your Mom into your home? Same with building a room for Mom to use? If not, then it was your choice to take care of Mom with or without financial help.

Do you have a copy of the Trust? Does it say that you would be reimbursed for you being her caregiver, and that any home improvement would be paid?

I see in your profile that your Mom is in her 80's and has Alzheimer's/dementia. Please note that your Mom's condition is only going to get worse, and eventually you will be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each day.

You and your sister may want to have a conversation about Mom's future. If Mom would do better in a Memory Care facility, especially since she has a Trust that could pay for said care. You would still be following your Dad's request of taking care of Mom.

Do you have a copy of the trust? I would read and see what it says. Also could you form a company and provide service in that way. Definitely consult with a lawyer but people setup limited liability companies all the time.

Please seek legal advice.

I just wanted to comment that you should not spend YOUR money for upgrades for your mother. Also, you should be paid for caregiving.

In my experience, this sort of problem cannot be solved without involving a legal opinion, and if a legal opinion is sought, one or another of the parties involved will take umbrage after the legal opinion is presented.

What actually remains most important is your mother’s care AND THE FACT that if you are unable to provide the care that she needs without using your own funds, she MAY NEED another care setting.

NO PROMISE made by one relative to another about care giving of a third party should ever be honored unless ALL PARTIES INVOLVED are in COOPERATIVE AGREEMENT.

Your father either did not realize that your mother’s care would require “emptying the bedpan” OR would not fully embrace accepting the responsibility to do so.

Politely but firmly ask for the “attorney” who is “advising”, and get THEIR INPUT”.Aren’t you entitled to that? You ARE a pretty important part of the equation too!!!

I think you need legal advice here. I also wonder about the ultimate beneficiary, whether it is a charity. There have been posts about charity/ beneficiaries being appalling about any spending that might reduce their ultimate take, 'Attorney advised' can work two ways and complaints about a trustee might be appropriate too. Another reason for legal advice.