Am I the only caregiver who often feels angry and frustrated with the "role" of Caregiver I've been delegated?

I took care of my Mother until her death and now live with my 86-year-old Cousin. My Cousin remains independent, but is very stubborn, has hearing issues, and her memory is going. I OFTEN feel frustrated, and lose my patience. I feel guilty if we have an argument. She doesn't understand me or the world we live in. She is better off than most financially and worries about money constantly. I try and be a good Cousin, but it isn't easy, I often dream of living by myself with a dog and doing what I want to do. I work full time and she doesn't even like it if I sleep in on the weekends. Chores must be done!

If you need a friend I am here. I do understand.

Never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings are just feelings. You can't control them. Go easy on yourself.

Kelley

Caregiving is rough! I don't enjoy it. Mom moved in with me and hubby 7 years and I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. Hindsight being 20/20, I NEVER would have done this, no way.

Now I have aides coming in 5 days a week for 5 hours to do her morning routine with her and pay attention to her, etc. THIS is how you keep your sanity. You stop being her everything cuz it's a thankless and frustrating job. You deserve your own time and space. Hire someone else to do a bunch of the stuff she has dumped on your lap. Nope. Start getting out of the house and living YOUR life, not hers.

She won't like it but too bad. Remember, YOU don't like how things are now so something has to give.

Good luck.

First, your mom may have comprehension issues, not just a hearing impairment.

Second, you are under no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver (or even a remote PoA). It won't get better, only more and more intense, demanding, stressful and frustrating as she declines. You are in control of whether you continue down this path or turn off. You just have to be at peace with the other options for her.

Yes. Get mom placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility and then you'll get to be a daughter again instead of an angry, frustrated and burned out caregiver. I never could have cohabitated with my mother again in her old age, so I let her and dad know from the get-go that we wouldn't be. They started out in independent living, then moved into Assisted Living, then mom moved to Memory Care when her dementia and mobility issues got bad enough. Things worked out much better for both of us that way.

If mom has no funds for Memory Care Assisted Living, look into Medicaid for Skilled Nursing. You deserve a life of your own, and she deserves peace and tranquility also. Had mom been living with me, I have no doubt I'd have been losing my cool ALL the time. Between her dementia and personality disorders, fuggedaboutit.

Best of luck.

I ended up moving out (was living with 2 parents)…got my own apt nearby. I was losing my mind. 3 months later they decided to go to a facility. Which meant I was in charge of cleaning out the house and selling it.

I still am called upon as their personal Uber driver. The latest was 1 AM when he was coming back from a trip to the ER…because he didn’t want to take the transport that was being provided.

i continue to take care of the bills and most of the personal shopping items. (My sister—who got to keep her job—shops for clothes for them. And does come to take them out for dinner.)

I am only 10 min from the facility but find it really hard to visit. They have everything they need and yet the complaining will never cease.

I spent my first few years of post retirement oversees in a developing country doing what I love. My sister insisted I needed to come home (which meant giving up my PAID dream job). I foolishly gave into the guilt. Not to mention they didn’t like me living with them. They acted as if I was using them for my housing needs! (I actually overheard my mom tell her sister this! My dad later divulged he thought I had been fired from my overseas job! …I have NEVER been fired from ANY job…and have always been celebrated for my contributions! This job was no different!). After my horrible unwelcome arrival…the pandemic hit!! It was after things opened up a bit is when I moved out.

Moving out was the best decision…but the responsibilities are still here. I am “stuck”. I just can’t seem to move in any direction. I just exist. I don’t have the energy to make any changes.

I fight against feelings of resentment and anger. I know I have “choices” and can make different decisions. It just seems I’m just too tired to make them.

All this to say you aren’t alone.

NO you're not. I feel angry almost every day and as soon as something angry is out of my mouth I ask God to forgive me and help me get through it. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I just try to remind myself that I'm dealing with someone who is sick and can't help what they say nor do. It's hard but I have to keep my strength up and do it. I have found sitting in my chair playing bingo or paint by numbers on my table actually helps. I don't have to concentrate that much but can still be alert to what's going on. I know that might sound crazy but it does help.

Reading your situation and history; if you weren't angry and frustrated, then I would consider you to have issues. I am in much the same situation and daily feel abused by the rest of the family.

Well first you volunteered to be used by the entire family. You have to ask yourself why you took that role on? Why you do whatever your told? Why you do your mother's bidding every time. You don't have to. You can say no. Or later, or not today.
I wouldn't spend time screaming because someone can't hear. Too bad. Get a note pad and write small answers. You'll give yourself a headache, and strain your voice.
I would tell the family I'm done. She needs more help than you can give. But you made it easy for the rest of the family. They won't want things to change.
YOU have to change. You have to ask yourself why you are a doormat, and a martyr. Your getting something out of it. Your siblings aren't martyrs. Only you can get a backbone and say enough.

https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/

Oh, how I feel for you. You have EVERY right to be angry, mad, annoyed, etc...especially with two other siblings who seem to have decided you alone get to be the caretaker. That is incredibly selfish of them. But I get it. I am in the same boat. You need to have a life, and you deserve to. Is there any way you can put Mom in a nice home? Is the money there? You have done enough and especially if she was not a great mother to you. No guilt, no shame, no obligations...You seem to have gone above and beyond to care for her, and now it's time to stop and get back to your own life before it is gone. Find a way to get mom into a nice place and tell your two siblings they are being selfish. I am sorry, but being nice just doesn't cut it here.

Narcissist is the key word here. They will suck you dry and then move on. you need to get her out of your house and into assisted living and then refuse to be her slave anymore.