My 90 year old mom treats my dad horribly. What can I do?

Similar situation. My parents were living independently, but it was obvious to me and my sister they wouldn't be for long. Dad, in failing health, couldn't defend himself against Mom's abuse. We tried to intervene and got smacked down for it by Dad, of all people! Sister and I stepped wa-a-a-a-y back and waited for Dad's inevitable hospitalization and eventual disposition to a nursing home, which successfully separated our parents and prevented further abuse by Mom. But be forewarned: after our father's death, Mom transferred her abuse to me, her primary caretaker: typical toxic behavior of many personality-disordered individuals and those with dementia. Before long it became necessary to place Mom in memory care. Her abuse was so pronounced I had to limit contact for several years before prescribed sedation and the advancement of her dementia made more frequent contact with Mom tolerable. This is a hard road, Bailey! (((Hugs)))Wishing you workable solutions to your problem!

Interesting, there is a thread here that is the exact opposite of what you posted.

Bottom line is this: dad is putting up with his wife and her verbal abuse which is on HIM to change if he sees fit, not on you. It's not on you to "free dad from the abuse". He's a grown man who's made his choices in life and is living with those consequences by not doing anything to make changes. If he wants "freedom" he can ask for a separate room in the AL. Done and done.

My mother treated my father like dirt for their entire marriage. I hated it, like you do, but any time I got angry at mom and told her to cut the crap, dad got angry with ME. Yep. That's when I said, wait a minute. What am I doing trying to fix THEIR marriage which is none of my business, in reality.?

Dad was dying of a brain tumor and mom's dementia was worsening. They were living in AL and fighting more often bc dad was finally getting sick and tired of mom's nasty mouth yapping at him 24/7 non stop. I'd quit interfering until ASKED to step in and break up the arguments. DH and I would schlep over there and try to calm them down...it was a mess, really. But dad remained devoted to her until the day he died 10 months later. When the mortuary came to take dad's body away, mom finally broke down crying and said, "I wasn't very nice to him all these years, was I?" She knew how mean she was, she just didn't care until it was too late. And even then, she packed up all his clothing immediately and asked me to get the bags out of the apartment to give her more room for her stuff. 68 years of marriage all stuffed into black Hefty bags, 1 2 3, buh bye now.

Stop letting THEIR issues consume YOUR life. Travel with your husband and lead life the way it SHOULD be led, the 2 of you, treating one another with love and respect. When you get home, check in on the folks and say hi. Let the luxury facility house them comfortably and provide them with the care they're paying for. Send your Golden Boy brothers a text letting them know you're leaving and to check in on their parents while you're gone. Give your brothers contact numbers to the admin at the AL as emergency contacts in your absence.

Have fun and enjoy your trips and your grandkids and your retirement!

She has dementia…symptoms of this are verbally abusive loved ones especially the family caregiver. Help save your Daddy & let Mommy go to where professionals can take care of her. Please free your Dad from the abuse. Hugs 🤗

Quit?

Not quitting 'honouring your parents' but being quit being 'the help'.

I do feel for you & your situation but am always saddened & shocked at how often an adult child (so often a daughter) just puts up with being 'the help'. Is it a generation thing? A gender thing? To be taught to serve?

Taught to vac the floor while the men-folk were taught to lift their feet?

If you have a good private chat with your Dad.. what does he want? Would it be possible to have separate rooms in AL if he wanted that?

Your father deserves to be protected from being verbally and emotionally abused, and your mother needs to have it explained to her - calmly and factually - that what she regards as normal modes of speech does in fact constitute abuse.

It seems highly unlikely that she'd listen to you, and your golden brothers never get to witness what is happening, so I suggest you enlist the support of professionals within the facility and step away. Your father's vulnerability will only worsen as he becomes frailer so it's important to get interventions in place now. Senior staff members - all staff members, actually, but go to those with authority - will know they have a duty of care towards your father which includes identifying and addressing risks. His health care teams, too, will be mandated reporters and you should draw their attention to his living situation.

As to the sacrifices - stop making them. They're not necessary to your parents' wellbeing, and QED they do nothing to protect your Dad. So what good are they to anyone?

Whenever she starts abusing your undeserving dad, you should absolutely give her a harsh tongue lashing. That's how you get her to stop abusing you and your dad. No one stands up to her, she thinks it's ok to be abusive.

Would you stand by if some stranger was abusing your dad/your kids/grandkids?

You don't have to abandon your parents, use their money to hire more help so you can claim some piece of your life back.

hugs!! i understand you.

"I don’t want to abandon my parents, but they are all consuming of my life at this point"

it's the million dollar question.

how to balance it all, and follow one's values which pull us sometimes in opposite/incompatible directions.

i hope you get lots of good ideas from people on the forum. i just want to say, i understand you.

You say “I love them and would do anything for them”. Let’s pretend just for a minute that you DON”T love your mother. Sure there are strong ties, but not real love. You think she’s a user and an unpleasant person, and is cruel to your father. Let it sink in. Then consider whether that changes what you do.

Perhaps it does - no more Ms Nice Gal. Perhaps it doesn’t because your father won’t allow any changes. But even that stops you feeling so conflicted. If your father won’t allow change, it’s on him, not on you. Then do what you need to be with the other people in your life, who you also need and who also need you.

Bailey
Has your dad been treated for depression? It sounds like he could use some help lifting his spirits dealing with your mom.
Perhaps they could both use a visit with a geriatric psychiatrist to help their moods.

Have you considered separating them? Your mother sounds like a bully. I would call her out on it and it is abuse.

You mother isn’t going to suggest you take some time off.

You have to put yourself on your own calendar.
It’s later than you think. Especially with grands.
There is a short window of time to spend with them before they are off on their own adventures.

And your DH shouldn’t have to come in second.

I would set up whatever chores you are doing for the parents on as automatic of a system as possible. at their expense.

Let the brothers know you are taking a step back in case they want to get more involved. Just tell them you don’t want them to think you are on the job any more. So they might want to get more involved. Let them work out what they choose to do but do let them know you are done. Perhaps one of them would like dad to come live near them. Let mom see he has options. The brothers will probably be on the phone to mommy right away if they think you are leaving. It would be good for her to hear it from them. It might give her pause.

Perhaps find someone to run errands for the parents that they pay for and let them know that you are off to Bora Bora and will see them for the holidays…or not.

There isn’t anything magic about standing up for yourself except to just do it. Once you have set things in motion, planning a trip, cutting back visits, hiring help, it will be so much easier, you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. You have to shift your focus from her to DH.

I know, of course, that dad probably is conditioned to stay with your mom regardless but do try to get him some help.