I’ve been taking care of my husband for four years since he had a stroke. I do everything for him, even wash him. He just watches TV and waits for his next meal. Any advice?

Depression is very common after a stroke, and it comes with a loss of desire to do much of anything. My mother definitely dealt with this following her strokes, and when discussed she found the word depression insulting. She sat and did nothing. Eventually it led to more, and worse strokes. Please take your husband to the doctor, tell the doctor what you’ve said here, and ask about depression. And definitely take far more breaks, they can be days off, but also just leaving home for enough hours for husband to figure out his own meals and not depend on you for everything. Don’t let his lack of willingness ruin your life

I'm in the boat you're in. My husband didn't have a stroke but he has all the symptoms. He is 82 and shuffles around when he gets up. He sits all day, even sleeps in the recliner. I do everything. I bring his meals to him because he can't hold or carry anything. I'm 85 years and feel my energy is leaving me. I feel hopeless and see no end. He doesn't do what the doctors tell him. I have no answers. You are not alone.

You say “I love my husband”. But you also say “It’s like my life is over too”. How long do you think you will go on loving him if he ‘doesn’t care about your life - he is just being lazy’. At 58, surely you aren’t going to write off the last 30 or 40 years of your life, if you resent this. If both of you want to stay together, you have to work on boundaries and he has to work on his own independence.

As a comparison, my older sister Mary had a serious stroke aged 26, was in hospital for 3 months, permanently paralysed down one side and with bad aphasia. She refused ‘therapy’ they suggested – being put into a sheltered workshop – went on to finish qualifying as an accountant, ran her own successful accountancy audit business and ran the financial management for the family manufacturing business. Her aphasia has improved, though speech is slow, and she types with one hand. Your 'lovable' husband just wants to be a permanent dependent? This story about my sister is true, read it to him, and make sure he is ashamed of himself! Mary is still doing her best at age 78.

He seems mighty sure you’re going to be there to trundle him around in that wheelchair and provide every single thing he needs. What a deal! I don’t blame you for being burned out. But what if he couldn’t count on you? What if he had to prepare his own food? What if you weren’t around? Float the idea along with the thought of finding a suitable care home for him. Disappear for the day now and then. See if that motivates him. (It probably won’t, but it would be interesting to find out if he has any concern for you.) As someone else posted, a stroke changes a person’s personality, maybe forever. You may love the person he was but not the person he’s become. In that case, are you willing to stay for the duration? You’ve got some serious thinking to do.

The tv can be taken care of, if you can block out some channels leaving only a few to watch; that should lead him to want to get away from it and do something else

As an example, I liked Big Brother and Survivor to name 2 shows. I have not watched an episode of either one and don't miss it. Another example, Days of Our Lives has moved to pay to watch Peacock network, they've put another news program in its place. Another hour freed up from being in front of the tube.

Good for you for getting to the beach for 4 days! You should plan another trip too. You deserve some time away from caregiving.

I can totally understand why you're burnt out! Caregiving is hard but if your LO isn't even trying? Ugh, that's just adding insult to injury.

What are his deficits from his stroke? You said he's back in therapy because he wasn't trying to walk - I assume that he meant he was walking?

64 is MUCH too young for him to give up! What were his interests and his activity level before the stroke? He should, IMHO, get back as close to those levels as he can, given any actual restrictions from the stroke. There are often work arounds and new ways to do things that can give him back a lot of what the stroke may have taken away.

Once he gets back to where he should be with PT, I would put that wheelchair away. I would make him walk to the dinner table for meals. To the bathroom. Out to get the mail. To the car, etc etc. Don't allow him to wallow in his self pity.

Maybe he needs something productive to do, both inside and outside of the house. He needs to help out - do chores, etc. It's good PT and you should not be expected to do everything if he is at all capable of doing anything. Outside of the house - maybe he can do volunteer work? Or a simple job? I bet he'll be less depressed if he is doing better and being productive.

Good luck!

Caregiving is hard enough even when the LO is cooperative and grateful... Your husband had a stroke, which can affect aspects of his personality permanently.

Your profile says he suffers from depression. Is he being treated for it? If so is he cooperating with his treatment? If not, why not? If he hasn't really been diagnosed with depression I would take him to a doctor and explore options to treat him, like medication or therapy. If he resists tell him it is a condition under which you will continue to be his in-home caregiver. Any resistance may mean he gets transitioned into a facility because it is too overwhelming for you. Be kind and gentle when discussing this, since you are burnt out. I wish you all the best as you navigate this together!