My dad is 76 and has had quite a few health issues for the last 20 years, he is getting worse as he ages and as he walks now, he groans in pain from his spine disc deterioration. He is still able to walk around using a cane though. He is self-sufficient when it comes to eating, bathing, and going to the bathroom.
I haven’t gone out with a friend in MONTHS. So, when the opportunity came for me to go visit a friend out of state for 2 days, I wanted to go. Its only 2 days, I thought, my dad should be fine.
Well ever since he has learned of this trip, he has been guilt tripping me like crazy and catastrophizing everything which is really stressing me out.
He even said he can’t feed my cat for me while I'm away. I said Dad, all you must do is open a pouch and put it on a plate. I'll make sure everything else is taken care of.
Then he says things like well if anything happens to you, I'll have no one. If you die, I'll be all alone and what if something happens to me while you're gone? He doesn't fall often at all, he only fell once last year but was able to pick himself up off the floor while I was sleeping. He does fine day in and day out.
Yet he is using every possible guilt trip to get me not to go. He even said, "I should start making arrangements to go into assisted living." Just because I want to go on a trip for 2 days?!
I have put my life on hold for him for so long. I never do things like this for myself anymore. What should I do? Am I horrible for going? If something were to happen I don’t know if I could forgive myself.
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It seems SummerRaya you are a little stuck. Still riding with Dad in Dad's canoe.
A councellor told me once stuck is ok.. sometimes you need to be. It's better than going backwards anyway. (Floating is better than drowning was my thought)
What a positive step to have a mini-break, go live & have some fun!
But then the worry over Dad...
Dad is telling you he is not able to be alone. Is too anxious, can't cope. He has hx of stroke & dementia, yes? So I'd believe him.
So Dad needs company. This does not mean YOU have to be his 24/7.
Dad will NEED to adjust to having NON-you for help & company. You also will need to face this fact, accept it & implement it (as he certainly can't & won't).
Hopefully that will 'un-stick' you so you can be a daughter again PLUS living your own life. (Not just floating along, but steering your own canoe).
Re your mini break:
Book the cat into care &
book a sitter to come sit with Dad during the day. Consider including until his bedtime if he is anxious up until then.
Consider this a challenge to find solutions for.
Accepting change is not easy, but necessary.
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Sell it, new friends, his age, activities and so forth.
Don't let him manipulate you, he is spoiled, I wonder who did that?
Enjoy your trip!
Ask him point blank...Dad, do you really want me to give up having a life just so I can tend to you 24/7? He is afraid if you have a life there won't be room in it for him. I understand his fear but it is unfair to you. That needs to be pointed out to him.
Also in that post you stated you wouldn't stop taking care of your father because you couldn't live with the regret you were sure you would up feeling.
You are only around 30 years old, right? Do you work? If not, do you see how you are jeopardizing your own financial future? You state that your father has no money. He's not contributing anything?
Did you end up going out on another date with that person from back in Nov 2021? Do you have any sort of social life?
Just curious about your life, but it's pretty clear from what you wrote last year that you have no intention of making any significant changes in your life.
Seems like he is scared and understandably when ones question their own mortality. Tell him you will call him and check up on him, but you need some SummeRaya time. Hopefully he can see if you don't take of you, you can't take care of him.
Then you wrote:
"Thanks everyone for your advice. I went on the date, it went well. I may see him again this week, but I realized the guilt is also self-imposed. There have been a few times in the last 10 years where my dad has collapsed and couldn't get back up, due to a blood infection and another time was due to a medication mix up induced stroke. If I wasn't there to hear him fall those nights, he likely wouldn't have made it. So I do worry about that happening again, if I'm not at home when it does.
Since the date, he does seem remorseful because I told him how bad he made me feel about it (after he realized I didn't die on the date) he said sorry and said he isn't trying to keep me at home forever, he just worries about me. I am working on the guilt I feel. Naturally I am introverted and a homebody so I wouldn't go out all the time even if I lived alone.
Trying to put myself out there more has been a challenge for me since I haven't done so in 7 months. Growing up with a paranoid parent, I guess I've taken on some of that paranoia about the world too, that's why I can't seem to relax. Anyway, thanks again everyone for your supporting words and great advice. Money is tight so hiring help isn't really in the cards but I am looking into programs that may be free or state run. I also agree that he needs friends, he's in pain 24/7 so he doesn't seem to want to mingle with anyone outside the home."
Your dad could easily live for another 20 years. Unless you want to live like a hermit until then, I suggest you get some help for this issue.
If he truly feels unsafe alone, then he can hire a sitter or go into respite.
Put your cat in a kennel for your trip, I'd be worried about him/her if left alone with a grumpy, entitled, and pouty dad.