I'm blown away by the supportive responses I've seen on this forum, so I'm raising my hand for help.
I'm a 54-year-old, only child of divorced parents. I’m currently married with two young adult children living at home. I work full time and have a crafts business on the side. I also suffer from depression, mostly controlled by medication. We built our house 4 years ago with a mostly separate apartment in the basement for my mother to live with us. Yes, I see now what a mistake that was so we can skip that part.
My mother and I have always been close, but changes from aging and a mild stroke (some form of dementia?) have made her someone I don't recognize. Apparently, she's been a narcissist my whole life and I never saw it. Seems she can no longer hide it, either because of her cognitive changes or because of my opened eyes. She lies, exaggerates, and performs for anyone that will give her attention.
A favorite theme is how awful we all are to her. She screams and yells at us, bangs on the walls for attention and now has started getting more violent - particularly when she is caught in a lie. She recently threw a Tupperware full of cake (she denied taking) directly at my husband on purpose. I'm even worried what she might do to the dog when we are all out.
At my request, her doctor gave her this most pathetic 4 or 5 question "test" for dementia and pronounced her just fine. Nope, sorry. I live with her. I've tried contacting the doctor again (I have HCPOA) to refer her to a local place that's supposed to have lots of resources and help for memory issues, but doc literally wouldn't talk to me about it except in an appointment with mom there. Exactly what I was trying to avoid.
Another common theme is "I've got to get out of here" as in her moving out. Yes, please. But clearly it is just part of her performance. I've seen no sign that she's looking. Once when she said that I tried saying "Maybe that would be best for everyone if you are unhappy" and she completely flipped out on me. I guess I'm too chicken, but I'm really scared to initiate it if she reacted that strongly to me agreeing with her.
I know nothing will get better, only worse. My husband and boys are very supportive for me, but everyone's health and happiness are at risk. I really need her to get out of our house but I'm at a loss to how to make that happen. If you've read all this and have constructive thoughts, please enlighten me.
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Then let the tirade begin. It's ok. What's not okay is the histrionics and manipulation tactics she's using to destroy your lives. You've done enough now, period. Sorry/not sorry, but your health is at stake now, and the family's happiness is suffering. So it's time for mommy dearest to leave.
I sincerely hope she has funds to pay for Assisted Living. If not, I sincerely hope she has the need for help with at least 2 ADLs so you can apply for Medicaid to get her into Skilled Nursing.
She may have some dementia going on, or maybe it's just a personality disorder, or a bit of both. Whatever it is, it's not working to create a peaceful environment for any of you. So it's gotta change, like it or not. Don't be afraid to address the elephant in the room, or watch the elephant stomp on ALL of you till you're flat as pancakes. That's the alternative.
Best of luck to you
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if you have the funds maybe hire someone to come in and spend time with her? If a doctor requests… Medicare sends in a nurse to evaluate needs and provides services free of charge.
It’s not easy!!! My husband and I haven’t had “our life,” in 2 years!
But we never stop reaching out and accepting help. My in-laws and my mother, all three now suffering with dementia! Total personality changes… anger, nastiness… confusion !
Best of luck… you’re not alone! So many of us with aging parents and limited resources.
A good social worker can help with ideas and resources.
Next time she become violent or out of control call 911 and ask that she be transported to the hospital.
If she refuses to be transported tot he hospital the paramedics will ask her a series of questions to determine if she is "aware" if she answers the questions properly they can refuse to transport her. At that point you can ask the police to transport her to jail. Tell them that you feel unsafe with her in the house. Also if she is getting violent you can also say that she is a danger to herself. (beating on the walls and other destructive acts may harm herself)
She will not actively look for housing particularly if she is living with you. You will have to find housing for her. An apartment, senior housing (there is a wait list) or if she can afford it Assisted Living.
I would also schedule an appointment with a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist for a full exam. Far more detailed than the mini mental the PCP gives in the office.
Once you have a diagnosis of dementia using your POA you can place her in Memory Care.
Not to scare you, but it is not uncommon for people with dementia to attack, kick, slap, beat, stab or tortue pets… even pets they previously loved.
Sounds like you, husband and mom all need to sit down and have a talk about this not working out and tell her you will give her X deadline to move out and find a place.
If she flips out you may have to call 911 so be prepared for that.
Can she afford to live on her own? HUD can set her up with i think its section 8 housing based on income but there might be a waiting list.
Good luck it's not going to be easy but it has been done by others.
You recognize already that it was a mistake to move Mom in. But that is done. So I would start here. It isn't Rocket science to recognize the early signs of alzheimers or dementia. Can mom draw a clock? Can she draw a clock set at 11:10? Can she name three uncommon animals, a hippo, a rhino, a zebra? Can she spell Forum backwards? Can she count backwards from 100 by 7s? These are common tests you can do yourself? What signs have you seen that she is unsafe?
I would take Mom for testing with a neuro-psyc doctor. If she won't go you are left with this: The next violent outbursts you call ambulance and have her transported for an attack on you. At the hospital you tell them you want to speak with a social worker and she cannot return to your home as you are "AFRAID for yourself" and cannot mentally or physically deal with her.
The problems here are two-fold. You have no POA for financial or general. Only for health care. You have no diagnosis. Either Mom is or is not suffering from dementia. If she is it is TOO LATE to get a POA from her and you would need guardianship and would have to place her in a nursing home using that.
If she is NOT demented and can live on her own you are left with telling her that you cannot live with her anymore and will assist her in finding a living space. Then you will have to do that.
None of this is easy now. You have moved Mom into your home and that means she is a tenant where she pays or not, it means that it is HER HOME, and you cannot forcibly remove someone easily from their own home.
Some mistakes are easily corrected, but moving in an elder is NOT, and your post serves as a warning to others, to have a care contract, a rental contract, and agreement for reassessment every 6 months and when it doesn't work for one member of the family it is over, and etc. These need to be done with attorney or mediator.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope others have some other useful things for you to try. If you do the ER DUMP as it is called it will not be easy. Social workers will threaten you, tell you they can file for neglect, tell you they can report you to APS, tell you they will get you help and you can work together (they can't and they won't says this old retired RN). So you will need to stand strong in your own behalf.
Last resort? Buy a few hours of counseling time with a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice counseling. They will be able to help more than a psychologist in general practice.
I surely do wish you the best and hope you will update us.