Elderly mom who is 85, wants her son to buy her share of the house, but she doesn't seem to have made an effort to do so. Any advice?

1. Education: about Alzheimer's Disease (if this is the diagnosis) may be beneficial for you & your DH.

"I think she turns on and off her alzheimers cause when she talks to other people she is in control but, when she talks to me and hubby she acts like she doesnt understand". 

Alz is a progressive brain disease. No-one can turn on & off a brain disease.

They can however, muster all their social skills for a short time with others, but close family see the wider picture - the real person & the real effects. (This is called show-timing - it is not manipulation)

2. The Trap: providing all the care duties without the legal authority to make any changes.

You were in this trap - I am sorry for it.

The way out is either Mom you & DH are caregivers & have POA - or - sister is caregiver & is POA. This decision has now been made & is legal (unless proved Mom was not able to legally sign the POA when she did).

3. Solution: The best scenario forward is a family meeting with clear communication on all sides & an agreed care plan for Mom. One that aligns with Mom's needs, is possible/available & affordable for Mom.

Not a plan that is skewed for financial gain of either Sister or your DH.

When an elder needs care, the family can PULL together with unity or rip apart in ugliness squabbling over money & houses.

I am very sorry for your serious health issues & the stress this situation is causing.

The usual outcome is the elder's house will need to be sold to fund the care costs.

If one offspring wishes to purchase it, they may offer to buy at market value.

If the house is 'willed' to your DH (either half or all), I would suggest getting specific legal advice - in case it is possible to find another alternative & do otherwise. This would be worth looking into if it is his plan is to live in the home.

If, however he wishes to keep it for sentimental reasons only I would suggest grief counseling instead.

Yes , that is what we thought she and dad was diagnose in 2016 and sister didnt tell us about it. I found out during that year when they both was acting weird and told his sister who is a nurse to get them tested and she never told us the outcome.
It could be maybe they told her not too. Well, in 2017 they made sister POA and now she had them take out a mortgage againts the house to help pay for her bills and townhouse. They never said anything to their son and they had us pay rent from 1994 til 2000 until I had enough and told my husband lets go back and live in the mainland. We did and I got sick and husband though ok mom and dad can care for you now. Well, no such luck I kept doing the housework , cooking and yard with my husband. This time my husband told them because the bills wants paid on time he demanded to see how bad the main bills are so he can decided what to do. They refused but, hey they were traveling many years and water, electic bills was being cut off. Anyway, sister is in control of everything still and mom is still helping her out of bills. My husband never asked them for help because it was that I told him not too. I am on dialysis since 2001 and feel sorry for him being treated that way.

Much Mahalo for that heartfelt response. One thing though my husband is the eldest but they made his younger sister the POA and Trustee and she is gloating so much. Husband wasnt informed about it and many other things his mom and dad used us as maids and yard person and told us to pay rent too. They helped his sister buy her townhouse and cars and when dad passed on they helped her get out a mortgage againts parents house to help her pay her mortgage on townhouse. She is avoiding us cause we was able to find all this out on our own and help from our attorney. This is why we are in a bind and mom lied to dad that we werent paying rent to have him leave my husband out of his inheritance. Later before his dad died, dad found out that mom had lied, so he added my husband as trustee to the trust but not the Will. Sister has control over mom now and she took her two months ago to live with her. We dont know what they are scheming up but, we know God will help us through it all. Sorry just venting...

If MIL has a Dementia she maybe confused. Does DH have POA? Is it immediate or he needs a Doctor or two to say she is incompetent to make informed decisions? If immediate have him read the POA and see if it gives him permission to sell the house? If he needs a Doctors letter saying she is incompetent, get it done.

She may think that ur FIL may have left his half of the house to DH? Was FILs Will probated, if he had one? Now FIL is gone, MIL needs to get his name off the deed.

What I see here is the house has to be sold if neither ur husband or ur MIL can afford to pay the bills. Then you pay off the outstanding bills and place the remainder of the proceeds in a bank account that is only for MILs use or care. If u profit enough maybe she can be placed in a nice AL. The house must be sold at "Market Value" in case Medicaid is needed within the next 5 years.

kenobuddy, this can become very complex. I would advise you and hubby speak with an Elder Law Attorney.

Oh, I just noticed in your profile that hubby's Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia. Is Mom in the very early stage where she can still take care of herself, and do the financials? If not, time for the Power of Attorney to step in and take over the finances.

Ask the Attorney if a line-of-credit, where the house is collateral, would that work. But note there will be interest fees and other fees involved. It also depends if hubby's Mom is thrifty or shops until she drops.

There will come a time with Alzheimer's/dementia that Mom-in-law will need caregivers to help her, or she may need to move into Memory Care. The equity in the house would help pay for some of the costs. I know hubby wants to save the family home, does he plan for the two of you to move in?

Your profile says she has Alzheimer’s so she’s past being able to sign any legal documents. Her bills will go away when she dies as long as no one else’s name is on them. Anything in her name only will not have to be paid at that time. As for the house, you say there’s no money to buy it, so it will go into her estate when she dies, go through the probate process, and most likely be sold. If you and your husband can afford to purchase it at that time you can, if not let it go and remember the most important thing isn’t a house but guarding your relationships and health